April fools/ Happy Anniversary/ I'm awesome

 

 

So here I am. Tommy v2 Online one year later. Over 10000 hits. 79 articles. 341 pictures. Easily made at least 17 people laugh. One full year of making the world a better place and getting unnecessary attention in the process. And you know who I thank for all this?

I'd like to thank no one but myself.  I would thank my fans for reading, but I since I wrote it, that's the important thing.

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The best day of the year, aka the first day of spring

 

My April Fools Article, The Legend of

I was going to do this April Fools article. The article was that I was getting married, and as a sign of respect to my fiancée I was going to take down the website. It was all exciting and shit, it looked so legit...then I told a co-worked about my idea. Being the supportive guy that he was, he said,

"If you tell people that you're shutting down your site, I guarantee that some idiots will actually believe you and never go to your site again."

Well, now that you know about that, you'll understand why there is no April Fools article. Maybe next year when I announce that I have three testicles or something. Or that I am dating a redhead. Or that I'm driving a Honda. Or that my website will be black text on white. The possibilities are endless. I ate KD. I bought an SUV. I tried Atkins diet. (I can see the older fans going nuts. You're all sad.)

So that's the April Fools joke - that you're not getting an article for it. Ha ha. Is it wrong to get a hard on from disappointing people?

 

Well it's been quite a ride. Starting Tommy v2 Online off as a humble http://members.rogers.com/tommyv2 and then turning into a dot com on July 23, 2004. Just to think that I'd actually pay to write about myself just makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I know a whole lot of you have my website in your bookmarks/favorites, and that's great. Every time you're at a public computer, make sure you go to my website and set it as the home page. It's like vandalism and advertising. You're being a badass and helpful at the same time.

I think my fans are a special breed. I get all this great fan mail telling me what a jackass I am, and then I get all this mail from little girls telling me how they want to be "upgraded" and "eventually uninstalled." I don't even know what that means. Still, it sounds exciting. It's flattering and it never gets old. One of the most interesting things that I never get enough of is checking my web stats in my administration panel. For those of you that don't know how it works, I have this website that tells me who looks at my website and what they look for. The scariest part is I get to find out what people typed in search engines to find my site. Every month I get to see the report of what you looked for. Here's some of my favorites. You people are FUCKED. Observe.

 

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Whoever looked for search #7, you're going to hell. Whoever wrote #20, I am your biggest fan

Have you seen some of this shit? It scares me. "Blonde arm hair?" Yikes. Elisha Cuthbert arm hair? Yikes. Chicken Mctesticles? Just to think that my site comes up if you look for any of this shit makes me wonder. It's a website about how awesome I am, not about raping small children and processing animals while checking out someone's arm hair. While "getting owned".

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If you wrote #19, you're been punished by God by now

Sometimes it's so abstract that my blood pressure rises just from looking at it.

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But it's scary, yet funny. Keep it up. My other favorites include deepthroat a banana and pics of the most amazing car in the world Tom's MX-3 sex machine I want to fuck him oh yes oh yes take me now you bad computer nerd.

 

I think I've been waiting all year for this article because I knew that I'd only have to talk about myself. You can't go wrong with that. So if you're as big a fan as I am, you'd actually be interested in the following facts.

My most popular article is Oh, to be a girl!, by far. If you didn't like that one, you're dumb. Not one single person hated that one. As far as sheer comedy is concerned, hats off to my Verizon Exit Interview. Says you, anyway. Personally I like my unpopular articles where I just bitch about shit and shit about bitches. Damn, I just realized by posting those links, those pages will only get more popular while my other hard work gets ignored. Oh well. If you're reading this then you're already addicted. "Upgraded." And...owned. Man, that shit gets old. I love rambling. About myself. And to think there was once a time where I'd write articles with no pictures. That was back when I was actually talented and not using random pictures and clever captions to entertain you while you ignore all the spelling typos and horrible grammar.

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Eat that branch you homewrecking slut

For those of you that don't know me, I just wanted to let you all get to know me a little better. Everyone thinks I'm like a Zen master how I'm always calm and shit, but here's a rare photograph of me pulling a Lindsay Lohan.

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At least I didn't make a whole album of temper tantrums

Yep, 23 years old and jumping up and down on the bed like I was trying to induce SIDS. Other interesting facts about me:

Sadly, that is the extent of my personality. So if I got paid to drive to meet a prostitute at a buffet that I found on the Internet, then whipped out my PSP after, that would be the perfect day. Chinese buffet. I think to celebrate my website being so popular I'm going to eat McDonald's and have one light beer.

Sometimes when I write my articles, I have all this hope for them. Some of my favorites that I wrote are totally ignored by you fuckers. The ones I write that I'm disappointed and ashamed of become my biggest hits. By that logic, this is the best article ever to you fuckers. When I write solid gold like Ikea quality? Ikea just got OWNED and The Truth Hurts, no one cares. When I write shite like Gotta be KD? Gotta be kidding me! then you all go nuts. You fuckers have no taste. You are all fucking buzzkillers. However, sometimes you people say such nice things. This one's one of my favorites and it was so eloquently written so I had to shove it down your throat share it with you:

"Your site...it's like an art...don't take it as an insult, you just have this unbelievable direct way of putting things and saying them in such a perfect way that you can guarantee what the emotion the other person will feel it before even saying it to them, its a gift..."
              -Laura Martin, artist [website]

Having an artist be concerned with calling my website "art" as being offensive is a little bit funny. My website is art. It's like a Picasso or a Monet. One day someone will look at something clever and go, "How impressive. That must be a v2."
Having your own website makes you really conscious about the way people use the Internet. For instance, apparently some months are much better than others. October sucks. December is cool.

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Even more interesting is the hours that people go to my website at.

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Let's do an analytical breakdown.

I'm going to assume the hits in the middle of the night are from other time zones and international fans. That's not to say that there isn't hot nubile girls out there looking at pictures of me in the middle of the night. That's a fact.

So I guess that's it. You've had your daily dose of me talking about myself. A webpage about a website about how great I am. Mufasa had it right, it's all about the circle of life. Then he died. The fact that Simba didn't die at the end of Lion King II is false advertising. Think about it.

So here's to another year of Tommy v2 Online and upgrading the world, one article at a time. Go me. And as always, share the page with your friends and coworkers, especially with girls since it seems to piss them off and offend them. If a girl reads my website because you sent her the link, thinks I'm horrible and fucks you just because you're not as horrible as I am, we all win. Think about that.

Oh yeah, and by the way, you know how fucking hard it is to find a picture of a giraffe that's in landscape format? Fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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