If you or your children play sports, you just got owned
A few nights ago, I was treated to watching the movie "Miracle," a masturbatory American film about how a glory hound coach turns a team of cheese puffs into a "team" that finally beats the superior Russian team in the 1980 Olympics. I'm sure you can figure out how it ends.
I'm surprised they didn't call it America is Number One, You Communist Assholes
It was so fucking sappy and predictable (ie: every youth-oriented sports movie ever made). Five bucks says Russia doesn't have a single movie about them winning hockey at the Olympics - there isn't enough film stock in the world to show all that footage. This is the point where I make some patriotic comment about how Canada is so great at hockey and we always win. Too bad I don't care. Too bad every single guy I ever knew who played hockey always used to beat me up in elementary school. You know what I say to those guys now?
"No onion on that, thanks."
If you're anything like me and you have a shred of intelligence in your body, then you hate sports as much as I do. Sports are fine as long as they're in videogame form. That way no one gets hurt, no one neglects their family, no one has their hopes and dreams crushed, and no one gets paid 38 million dollars for throwing an orange sphere around.
The only thing worse than sports is the people who play them. The only thing worse than those people are people who enjoy watching them. And the most evil thing of all - coaches.
Coaches
I trust an old guy in a tie telling me about athletics
This may come as a big surprise to some of you, but yours truly, the great V2, used to be a track star. Sprinting, hurdles, relay, shot-put and softball throw. I was like a child prodigy. At the city track meets, while the children were eating energy bars and drinking Gatorade, I was eating Wendy's hamburgers and drinking pop. I destroyed all their measly dreams when I kicked all their asses to the tune of a 4th place ribbon. When I finally got into high school, things were different. I joined the track team and we went to "practice." What the fuck is practice?! How do you practice sprinting? I run for 13 seconds. The coach told me to do push ups. "Excuse me coach, what the hell does doing push ups have to do with running fast for a hundred meters?"
"It helps you get in shape and become conditioned."
"For a hundred fucking meters?"
Then he'd have us do stretching so we wouldn't get hurt. Excuse me, but if you get hurt from running in a straight line, you should kill yourself. If you make your muscles loose and relaxed, then they have no firmness and you get no power. Look it up, sports fan. Biology beats coach any day. Fucking asshole. I would fucking strangle that old fucker if I got the chance. Needless to say, I was kicked off the track team for having a "bad attitude." When you try to turn a bunch of average people into athletes and let go of the TALENTED people, you will have the Canadian Soccer team in every single sport. There's no shame in being 138th place.
"Tom, there's no I in team..."
"No, but there is an M and an E. Get bent."
Coach was on the air for 8 years. I'm not sure how that's even possible
What pissed me off so much about that Miracle movie was how realistic it was. The coach was a fucking prick that pushed the guys to insane levels. He made them train until them puked. Every 5 seconds of watching the movie, I wanted to kick the fucking screen in because Kurt Russell's portrayal of the coach was too real. It's funny, really, if the team didn't win in the Olympics then the coach would have gone to jail for abuse and mistreatment of those kids. Asshole. If I ever meet Kurt Russell I'm going to stab him in the stomach with hockey stick. Twice.
Coaches are the worst people in the world. Why in the world would you want to work with little boys and girls to turn them into "pro athletes?" Perverts, the lot of them. When I see a 47-year-old man coaching a little girls' soccer team, I want to knock his fucking head off. I'm all about being a pig and making disgusting comments about little girls, but I don't actually do anything. Fuck, I don't even go near them. When I saw a 17-year-old girl at the bar I started screaming like a lotto winner and ran like hell. The only thing worse is the old men who coach young boys. Every day on the news you hear about some coach molesting kids on the team. They never molest girls, just boys. That's great work, dude. You've turned some boy's first sexual experience into something that will haunt him for the rest of his life. Then that boy slowly goes mental and eventually he commits sexual assault to someone else.
"Oh my, those parents are to blame for his behaviour!"
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What kind of sick coach puts ratings on the uniforms?
Yeah right. Coaches should be robots instead. Even better, a pre-made videotape.
Chapter 1: Destroying self-esteem and dignity
In the director's cut, this kid gets "molested." Oh wait, that's real life
I remember how people coached back in Europe. It goes a little something like this:
"The object is to get this thing into that net. You're the best player on the team. Prove it. See you next spring."
Next thing you know, you've got the World Cup. People's performance is based on the size of their ego, not the iron fist of the coach. When kids play sports, they get too competitive. The only thing competition is good for is pricing on batteries and toilet paper. You have kids hurting each other just to prove they're the best. How many times have you seen a guy on a team be an asshole just to impress a girl on the cheerleading squad? It's horrible! Dude, you don't need to show off, all you need is to give her a roofie colada. Ha. I'm a bad person. Roofie colada. TV is awesome.
Parents
Parents who want their kids to play sports are horrible people. Getting your kids out of the house just so you can have sex is inappropriate and irresponsible, not to mention a great idea. The same father who would kill any boyfriend for touching his daughter is the same guy who drives his daughter to cheerleading practice so she can be oogled at by dirty old custodians and abusive coaches. I'd just like to take a moment to thank you for that. My favorite parental logic is they they send their kids to play sports so they can be active and stay in shape, instead of being obese. As soon as the game is over, they reward the kids with Tim Horton's and McDonald's. This is me laughing at you.
Putting up this image either makes me a bad person or a hero: you decide
Every single person I've met that played sports as a child has some sort of permanent injury. Making a child play sports while in their developmental phase is irresponsible and sad. It causes stress trauma to developing body parts and prevents consistent and healthy growth. Every girl you meet these days has a bad knee, a bad elbow, a bad ankle...another bad knee...(insert immature girl-wearing-kneepad joke). Tommy v2 is in perfect fucking health. I've probably only sneezed 6 times in my life. In fact, there are parts of my body that have never even been used yet. I'm saving them for when the rest of you are using walkers. I won't have to say "I told you so..." because I'll just write an article. WITH MY GOOD HAND(S). Playing team sports also promotes meeting new friends and companionships, which always leads to drug use, therefore leading to breaking & entering into your house and stealing your antique vases. Sports are a gateway to deviant behavior, none the least of which is too many same-sex friendships (leads to being batty or drinking from the faerie cup) and sports-team/gang related violence.
So parents, I understand that you hate your children, but you don't have to make them play sports. If they want to be active and competitive, tell them to put on a jersey and fuck off and go to their room. Just in case you're getting any funny ideas, here's a few pictures to help you understand the risks of your children being active.
Soccer ball to the brain (not pictured)
All this from skipping rope
Do you want your kids to have subdural hematoma and cerebral edema? Burn those hockey cards
I am going to be fair. There are a few sports that are a little better than others. For instance, the parents that put their kids into martial arts should be commended. You're creating the next wave of show-off boys with anger issues and girls with so much self-esteem that they hate all men. Thanks a lot. I tried to pick up a judo girl at a bar once. Besides having a six-pack (which is as appealing on girls as breasts are on men) and no tits (which is as appealing as men who play the clarinet), she was so bitchy and assertive. I wanted to dance with her, not oppress her womanhood and objectify her. I tried to empower her as a woman by letting her touch me, but instead I got owned. It's just as well really, since by the age of 27 she'll have arthritis in every joint in her body. That's what you get for not wanting me.
Martial arts promotes well being and wasting $34 a month
The bottom line: Parents, don't let your children play sports. If your kids are active, they'll never bring guns to school. If that happens, there'll be no subculture and we won't have moves like The Matrix anymore. And that would be a shame.
The greatest frame of film in cinema history
The Children
I suppose some children actually want to play sports. Since no medication for this ailment yet exists, we'll have to deal with this on an individual basis. Boys who play sports are all dumb jocks and don't even have their own website. Girls who play sports are all man-hating dykes that wouldn't dance with me at the semi-formal in November 1998.
"And that there, Janie, is the net. Beside my bed."
Some kids crave so much attention that they have to do all this nonsense just to be noticed. If you want attention this bad, burn down a church or something. That'll definitely get you noticed. Or an orphanage. I'm not sure those even exist anymore.
Probably the only good thing about kids who play sports is the mutual respect they garner for each other. Guys and girls finally get along and treat each other as equals. Too bad none of that's true. Ha. Sorry, that's not true. Women are way better at causing traffic accidents than men. My apologies.
<Insert clever joke about lesbianism, wood, kneepads and voyeurism>
I've never met a single person who plays sports that is a decent person. Not even Wayne Gretzky, that jerk. Giving McDonald's french fries to all those skinny children. When I have kids, they're only going to play leisure sports that show off how awesome their dad is:
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jet skiing - 'cuz mommy and daddy have money
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waterskiing - ditto
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bowling - the only time my daughter is gonna play with balls, plus the flashing lights make me happy
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golf - golf is fucking awesome. They call my Tommy Woods. That name has nothing to do with Tiger Woods. Goddamnit I'm hilarious. This line shouldn't be this long
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water polo - I'm not even sure what that is but I heard about it on The O.C.
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archery
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video gaming
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competitive eating
In conclusion, don't let your children do anything except homework and washing & vacuuming your car. You'll thank me later. Here's one last picture just in case my dad is reading my website.
