Watching CSI has severely screwed up my life

 

 

This article is about the television show CSI. If you don't know what this is, then you're a) retarded b) living in a goddamn cave, probably with Bin Laden, c) there's no way you can't know what CSI is. "Crime Scene Investigation." It's about a team of CSIs who solve every conceivable crime in a paltry 44 minutes. All but one! some hardcore loser fan is saying right now. I know dude, I know. 88 minutes. The show makes you feel stupid, similar to watching Jeopardy (or Wheel of Fortune for my immigrant fans) but it makes you feel like you're learning something, similar to fucking your teacher. It's the most popular show on TV, in the entire world, with 30 million Americans tuning in every day that it's on. It's so popular that they made two spin-off shows CSI: Miami and CSI: New York. They are both good compared to other shows, but they don't hold a candle to the original CSI, now in its fifth year. It's so popular that Spike TV plays at least 2 episodes a night, and if the conditions are right, there are 5 episodes shown on Thursdays.

I've seen this more than I've seen an open binder in high school

Now that you know everything you need to know...

First of all, damn you Spike TV. You run a goddamn 9 hour-a-day CSI marathon for a whole week. Naturally, like the idiot that I am, I ignore friends, family and lovers and lay like a coma victim watching episode after episode. If it wasn't for the long commercial near the beginning of every episode, I'd've pissed my pants and died from hunger probably that very Tuesday. Of course, to make things sadder I had a 10-hour long VHS tape ready for each of the days so I taped the whole marathon just in case something came up and I had to miss something. Something coming up may include unimportant stuff like looking for a job, showering, answering the phone, and continuously breathing. Is it wrong to tape a TV marathon? Is that some form of exercise? Does that violate copyright laws? While I lay there in bed watching CSI, doing my best emulation of one of the dead bodies on the show, I started to wonder about those characters. They are WAY too cool to be real people. Could I be a CSI? The answers lay in analyzing the show's characters and comparing them to yours truly. Shall we?

 Gil Grissom

Glasses mean you're smart and studious

These characters are so archetypical. It's awesome. Grissom is the older, wiser CSI. He is possibly the smartest guy alive. That dirty thing you do when your mom leaves the house? He knows. That snot you wiped on the bottom of the chair in the library? He found that. This guy doesn't miss anything. He's amazing. He likes bugs, that's gross, but that's probably because bugs are the only thing that still keeps him interested. He is so funny. Every episode, right before the theme song, he cracks a dry joke about something related to the crime scene. I laugh every time because I know that I'm stuck there for the next hour and I'd better find it funny. So basically, he's brilliant like me and can make a great joke when the situation calls for it. Check.

Catherine Willows

Leather means you're sassy and rebellious

Speaking of archetypical characters, how's this one? She's attractive and sassy, therefore she was a stripper when she was younger. She is now a scientist because older women don't make great strippers. She has "street smarts" and is "cool." Catherine is kickass though, because she has a great self esteem and can occasionally make a joke about stripper-related deaths. "High heels will kill you...one way or another!" is an example of such a joke. I find her so attractive for an older lady because she's so goddamn smart. A former stripper criminal scientist? Yes please. I don't even mind the red hair (don't tell anyone) because she's a former stripper criminal scientist. She's also very personable and is great at getting confessions from children. So if she asks your little sister, I'm screwed. She's an expert with bodily fluid collection and analysis. So we have that in common.

 Sara Sidle

Bare skin means it's hot

Sara is young, therefore still learning and getting better by the day. She suffers from occasional personal problems, which adds "depth" to her character. She's great though. The best part of Sara though, besides her centerfold in FHM magazine, is how she trusts everyone and goes barging in without any weapons or thinking. She just assumes everything is cool. Her trustworthiness makes her an exciting choice in the field. She is an expert in saying stuff like "Two murder weapons...that means...two killers!" and "I think we're dealing with...a crime...of passion!" She's so great. I think I have a crush on her. I'm a sucker for criminal scientists. What we have in common is that we both say stupid things.

 

Warrick Brown

Now with 100% less Ebonics

Warrick is CSI's token African American heartthrob. Luckily for him, this is one character that is not a stereotype. He does not wear basketball jerseys, does not sell drugs, and does not say stuff like "Hey G-Dawg Grissom, this murderizzle is the whackest shiznat I've ever peeped with my eyes for real, fellow CSIizzle 4 life, holla back." He is cool, and he has the appropriate amount of "street cred." He sometimes has anger issues, which makes him get all up in the face of corrupt cops and sneaky villains. He doesn't trust anyone and he makes it obvious. It's great to watch because you just know if this guy ended up killing someone, you'd never catch him. He's a fucking CSI for fuckssake. He'd investigate his own crime and clean up after himself. He's the "dreamiest" CSI and all the girls want him. We have that in common. I'm even hung like a black man, so I'm 2 for 2.

 

Nick Stokes

Smile means lack of personal problems

Nick is the most "average guy turned CSI" character. His personality is very modest so every viewer without a personality can relate. What makes him so great is he doubts everything. The criminal confesses to the murder and puts it in writing? Not good enough for Nick. Nick sees the shooting? He investigates. It's awesome. He wastes everyone's time just to prove how much more clever he is than everyone. He comes up with the wildest theories on how stuff went down. If you leave a hair at a salon, he will find you, rifle through your garbage and prove how you shot JFK. It's amazing. Since he seems to have no personal problems, he is the perfect CSI machine. Don't ever get pee on your underwear, kids, or in 44 minutes you're going to jail. What Nick and I have in common is being clever. Except for when I write lines like that.
 

Greg Sanders

Spiky hair means you're young and entertaining

The token "young, hip" guy. He used to be the lab analyst and would listen to hard rock music while doing his work. Hard rock music means that he's young and hip. He often cracks jokes about girls, sex, condoms, penises, semen, and "unidentified bodily fluids." His youthful energy makes him an inspiration for the older, more crippled CSIs. His obsession to be a field agent has got him out in the field, where he freaks out every time he finds a dead body or random body parts out of context. He is inexperienced in the field, but he's a hero in the lab. He can test any DNA, match any blood, make any colored fluid you want. Greg always jokes about his discoveries and makes clever comments about his observations. He is also skinny because seeing dead bodies makes his appetite go away. While his loser friends are out smoking pot, he is at work putting his friends in jail. We have that in common, because I too, will soon have no friends.

 

Captain Jim Brass

Guns mean even dumb jocks can enjoy the show

The detective that leads the CSI team when they go out to the crime scene. He secures the warrants and takes care of all the legal crap. He also always carries a gun, so just in case they can't find the dead body at the scene, he can just make one. He also wears a cool star badge on his chest, because that makes him the "sheriff" like in the old westerns. Captain Brass is awesome. He yells at bad guys, talks trash, threatens civilians and then says his famous line every time a suspect shuts the door on him. "Well that went better than I expected!" He's very experienced, so nothing surprises him anymore. A gangbang full of 14 year old boys and girls selling drugs to lesbian prostitutes and killing their parents? No big deal. A costume party where people dress as animals and hump each other? Been there, done that. He's not a scientist, so he doesn't understand any of the shit his teams says to him, which is entertaining. He likes to walk into houses pointing his gun around. That's a good show all by itself. We don't have much in common minus the insatiable need to talk trash to others. And I have a way better hairline.

 

Dr. Albert Robbins

Lab coat suggests a medical background / pervert

The coroner who usually does the autopsies on the dead bodies. This fucker can deal with anything. I think I believe everything I see on TV, except this guy. Nothing effects this guy. Melted faces? Body bags full of human soup? Children squashed into cubes? Nope. I don't fall for it. Every time the camera pans way from him, I bet he pukes his guts out. He uses all that medical talk to describe the cause of death for the person. You can learn a lot from him. He sounds like a real, nerdy, legit doctor. I'm glad the producer didn't dumb down this character and have him say shit like, "The patient died because she was shot in the fucking head by a big gun." It's cool. Ladies, this is the guy you'd want as your gynecologist. He'd never make you feel insecure or ashamed. It'd be like a brain surgeon putting a band-aid on your arm. Minus being exposed to girls with all sorts of mystery diseases, we have nothing in common.

 

I can barely touch a sandwich 45 minutes old, let alone this hot little number

 

CSI is probably the best show, besides 24 and Family Guy. I decided that I couldn't ever be a CSI. First of all, those weird graveyard shifts. No thanks. Secondly, how many dead, mangled, decomposing bodies do you have to see before you never have a sex drive ever again? What a fucking buzzkiller. Third of all, it would take the fun out of every private thing that I ever did, knowing that people are way weirder and have way more fun than you do. I have sex with a girl, go me. This dead guy had sex with 5 girls at once after driving his Ferrari to his mansion. Fuck. Spending a quiet day with downloaded smut doing the five knuckle shuffle? It's no fun knowing that you're leaving "epithelials" everywhere. Some nerd comes in with a purple flashlight and orange goggles and he'll tell your mother what a dirty little boy you are.

A tattoo means you're a bad person, so of course you'll get murdered by an even worse person

CSI severely fucks with your head. You start thinking of ways of killing your enemies in ways that CSI couldn't figure out. Then you start thinking of committing insurance fraud in the process. And robbery. I must have spent hours thinking of ways to frame my enemies for the murder of the president, but I guess it's not that easy. Yeah I know Canada doesn't have a president, that's what makes it the perfect plan. Who'd suspect me, a guy with a website writing about how I want to kill people? Exactly. I guess I'm weird. People say I'm a weird person. For instance, I run the water when I go pee. Why, you ask? Because I like to warm up my water for when I wash my hands afterwards. Does it waste water? You bet. I waste everything; I'm totally inefficient. I'm the kinda guy that would start a forest fire to cook a hot dog. I never feel guilty, of course, because I am a bad person.

Watching CSI makes you really paranoid about your daily activities. Every small detail counts so you start worrying about leaving "evidence." Not to say that you don't learn anything, though.

Things I've learned from CSI

• Don't have have sex with anyone. If you have to, always flush the condom down the toilet. 5 times. Don't touch the flush handle. Burn the building down after.
• Wear gloves. ALL THE TIME. Make sure they are not made of latex, leather, vinyl, or any other material that exists, as they can be traced.
• If you can get away with it for a full hour, you're safe
• Always have a lawyer. Especially if you're innocent and have no fucking idea of what CSI is talking about
• Don't buy anything with a credit card. They can trace that dildo you bought on eBay.
• Don't ever break up with your partner. Don't ever have kids. Don't have go to work. Don't ever not go to work. Don't ever stay home.
• If you must drive a car, make sure it's a rental and you paid for it with cash
• If you're guilty, always confess in a poetic way in front of your lawyer
• Don't masturbate, urinate, breathe, spit, eat, or use cups, cutlery or plates. Don't touch anything. You're guilty.

If you do something wrong, you're causing all sorts of paperwork. That makes you guilty, too

• Burn all your garbage, out of town. CSI always goes through your garbage because it's on public property so they won't need a warrant.

• If you beat your kids, they will eventually kill you.

• Approximately 90% of the population works at the casinos.

• Every attractive girl is a stripper

• All strippers are really men

• If you're a cop and you do your job, you're always a suspect because you have the ability to kill.

• Always have a full tank of gas so they can't figure out where you've come from. Then blow up the car.

• Always pour bleach all over the person you kill. Bleach breaks down DNA. That means you win.

• Never be mean to anyone. They will rat on you.

• If you have a partner in a crime, make sure you kill them too. Then read above.

• Unless you work for CSI, you're going to hell.

 

And that concludes today's lesson. I would write more, except that my downloads are complete and there's a few more episodes to watch. But first, I'm going to disinfect and wipe down my keyboard and mouse. Cuz you never know.