Ladies and gentleman, the ego has landed

 

 

Ah yes, having my own radio show. Just the thing I needed to boost my self esteem.

If you haven't already gone for some godforsaken fucking reason, it's v2fm.tommyv2.com. Already the emails and comments are pouring in. Apparently it's awesome - surprise, surprise.

I'd like to believe that everything I touch turns to gold (except my exes, you can't turn ice to gold. Fucking Medusa). I've only made one mistake in my entire life, and that's not making tommyv2.com back in 1996. That's it, though. Everything since then has been on purpose and magnificent. I've never used that word to describe myself. Magnificent. Thanks, Tom.

Magnificent, circa 1999

However, most of you know what it feels like to be wrong about something. I am here to let all you fuckers know that everyone makes mistakes. Except me. But some people make enough mistakes to make up me my lack thereof.

I'll think this was a mistake tomorrow morning on the can

Sometimes being wrong isn't the end of the world. It's like when you realize that you've fucked up, at least there is some semblance of experience that is gained from this transaction. You may learn from your mistakes, but sometimes life isn't long enough to learn from all your own mistakes. (I ripped off this quote from some blog of a hot 13 year old). That's why I have friends - so I can learn from their mistakes.

If only your father could you see you now...

My friends sure do stupid things. Sometimes I write shit about them on my website just to see if they're paying attention. Months later they'll get all mad at me and shit and I'll be like "Some fucking friend you are, never reading my site." I'm going to try it now. Hey, your Honda is a piece of crap. There, I said it. Now it's out there. I swear one day I'll get smacked in the face and I won't even remember why. I mean I get smacked by girls all the time, but a well-placed slug to the face by an adult male is almost magical. My friends do really stupid things, but not nearly as stupid as my former friends do. Note the word "former." You stupid fuckers...I hope you contract a few acronyms.

I'd use this to run over my exes over and over. Rinse, repeat.

Think back to all the stupid things you've done. If your list goes all the way up until sitting down at that computer, then you have some work to do. Some of the people I've met over the years share the same thought process; ie none.

That's the last time I have Coke from a bottle

I'm thinking way back to the days of actually having friends. That giant group from high school that I grew up with is, for the most part, long gone. I remember being told that I was going to be famous one day. It's good to know that they had some fucking common sense. Just when you think you've seen everything, you see shit like this:

Putting a person's weight on their license? Those wacky Americans!

See, I fucking love Lindsay Lohan. But seeing her Centurion just made me buy a noose horny. Remember how my old life mission was to have a font named after me? Scratch that. Centurion. You know what they say - Black is the new black. I wonder if Teagan has a Centurion. Mmm, Teagan.

But I figure that's the whole point of my friends telling me that I'm going to be famous. They want me to buy them shit. Trust me, I'll buy them things. Then, I will hand deliver them and fucking smash these things to bits right in front of them. Here's the face I would make when I did this:

Le Roi est mort, vive le Roi!

I know one friend always wanted an Impreza STi, but he didn't know that was was just going to get the emblems and airbag warning stickers. If you're reading this, then I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. Wait for it....wait for it...

...NOT.

That's why the friends I still do have are good. They want me to get famous so I can fucking finally leave them alone. They must be sick of all the girls running to me and having smaller rims than me. This is where I make some joke about how I have a bigger wang than they do, but I won't, since I promised my priest I would stop lying. Priest. Ha. Now I'm lying for sure. At least I have more money than they do.

Fuck.

Okay, well then, let's stick to the rims then. 
 

All in all, though, my friends are lucky. They get to hang out with me, after all. They get to have their memories filled with quality upgrades such as the following:

2005 and I'm still spanking Hondas

I am the party wherever I go. That's why I hardly go to weddings - I hate being a homewrecker. You know that part where the priest says "If anyone knows why these two shouldn't get married, say it now or forever hold your peace..." well that's when the bride goes "I can't because I want to fuck that guy!" That's her pointing at me if you missed that. When they make Wedding Crashers v2: Upgrade, you'll get to see that joke in widescreen.

"I can't because I want to fuck that guy!"
*Bride points at Tommy v2*

Priceless. I should've been Chaz in that Wedding Crashers movie. I wouldn't even have to act. I'd just stand there. Awesome.

v2's Eastside crew: respecting women's rights, one ass-whooping at a time

They make all those teensploitation comedy movies but they always make the characters too two-dimensional. They always portray the computer nerd as some sort of social outcast. Last time I checked every last nerd I've ever met was fucking some big jugger on rooftops and roofless-top cars. This is me clapping. They need to make a movie like that. Every jock is now working at Wal-Mart, and every cheerleader is now leading cheers working for Verizon. I'd love to do the casting for that movie. I wouldn't even use actors, I'd use people I went to school with. They're all easy enough to find anyway, sitting at McDonald's. And they wouldn't have to act, they'd just have to wake up. Since I'd be the star of the movie and it would have to be low budget (since I'm such a cheap fucker), I would use all sorts of product placements. I'd get so many it would make Will Smith's movies look like Sundance matinees. It would probably look a lot like this:

 
The things I do to please my fans and/or get endorsements

I'd get all my friends to be in it, too. The cool ones, anyway. The lame ones would be relegated to the deleted scenes that didn't make it onto the Wal-Mart $6.88 2-pack DVD bundle with Cruel Intentions 3. My friends are great, though. Easily better than yours. After all, does your crew have a fucking full-featured DVD complete with menus and an inlay written by yours truly? That's what I thought. Talk about a collector's item. That you can't collect. Ha. That's one thing you can't get on eBay.

I was going to put my home porn movie as an easter egg on that DVD, but Teagan's contract wouldn't allow it

I wonder what things will be like when me and all my friends are rich. We'll all be rich, but I'll be the famous one. During my first press conference I'm going to say "I fucking told you so," to my math teacher who said "Math is everything," and I laughed at him. After he pulled his pants up, I disagreed with his math comment.

I did get 100% in tech class. Proof right there that the system doesn't work

My English teacher said that my writing was good, but I lacked motivation and focus. You reading this, you bitch? This is me writing a website and paying to do it. How's that carpet taste? When I accept my first statuette at an award show, I'm going to pull an Al Bundy. "I'd like to thank no one but myself. I hate you all." All you doubters are all fucking buzzkillers. That's OK though, since I'll make believers out of you all. Airbag warning stickers and all.