Christmas 2.0

 

Big fucking deal

What a wonderful time of year. The snow is falling, kids are playing, cars are crashing and hopefully that involves said children.

I love Christmas. More specifically, I love the spirit of Christmas. Now now, let's not forget the true meaning of Christmas - that Jesus got gifts from Jews the day he was born. And similar to him, I will also receive gifts. The gift of your full attention. At least.

They say if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself. Normally this is why I go through 7 extra socks a week, but in this case it's the presents too. I love getting myself extravagant gifts. Here's a list of a few things I've amassed over the years:

• several pairs of socks
• food
• stationery

They say it is better to give than it is to receive. This is wrong. Not once have I given face to a girl and thought it was better than getting head. Oh wait, bad example. "Just because she can deep throat a banana doesn't mean she knows what the fuck she's doing." Ahem. Anyway, giving is cool, but receiving is way better.

If you are so intent on giving, feel free to get Tommy v2 the following things:

Without question the top of my list. I thought she was perfect, then she got implants. That's the definition of an upgrade.

Yes, I want a fucking laser harp. Can I play music? No, because I don't have a laser harp.

"Made in Japan." What's the best Israeli invention? Nothing the Japanese couldn't improve.

What's this? A system that's silent and doesn't fucking break every few hours? Hmm. 360 my ass.

If I had to buy something that wasn't Japanese, I'd go British. I'd also go in my pants before I got into second gear

I hope all of you fuckers get a lump of coal for Christmas. Shit, let's just call it X-Mas. Variable-Mas. Jesus does not love you.

I remember one time when I was a kid that I got these wacky gifts from my brother. That fucking guy knows how to give a present. He bought me things so fucking ridiculous that I felt bad using them. I was all into my Beta recorder, and my brother bought me a $21 blank tape. Double You Tee Eff do you do with a $21 blank tape? I couldn't find anything worthy of this blank tape. If I had on-screen anal sex with Brittney Skye I might have used this tape. If I were to have a threesome with the Olsen twins, maybe I'd use this tape. Maybe. It took me 9 years, but eventually I recorded a VHS to Beta copy of Mallrats. Don't say a fucking word. Not one fucking word.

...Except she'd be sitting on my lap

Once I got a microscope. What does a 12 year old do with a microscope? Look at his sperms, of course. I looked once, it scared the shit out of me so hard that I only did it like 4 more times after that. Long story short I got bored of looking at my DNA missiles and decided that from now on I was going to donate it only to girls' mouths. Mouthes. Plural. Ha.

Christmas time doesn't always hold such warm memories. Years ago I had a girlfriend that wouldn't put out. All I wanted for Christmas was head. All I got was mouth. Bah. Luckily I didn't spend much on her and I had enough money left over to afford a new pair of socks to procreate with.

Speaking of procreating or not, I remember the first time I had sex under a X-Mas tree. At this time I made several XXX-Mas jokes, none of which were funny. It's hard to be funny when pine needles are poking holes in your condom. I'm glad I didn't get her pregnant, though, because then I would have to abort...her. With duct tape. I remember all she got me for Christmas was like one shirt. WTF. One shirt for letting her have her virginity taken by the king of all that you see? Honestly now. What do you expect from a girl who gives head on the second date anyway? Besides herpes.

This is what I gave her.

Even the filename is funny

She was useless anyway. In this one rare instance, giving was better than receiving. I probably received something anyway, but luckily that cream was multi-purpose. Oh, Tommy v2 with a zinger.

 

 

I fucking hate Christmas trees too. I can't wait until they become toilet paper. I will always prefer a fake tree. Ideally, no tree at all, just presents; similar to Wal-Mart. You know what? I don't like Christmas at all. However, in the spirit, I have something for you all. I promise that it won't arrive in time for Christmas, but it will be the gift that keeps on giving. Nope, it's not even your sister. It's going to be something so special that grown men have been known to weep at its significance.

Bigger than King Kong, significantly less gay than Harry Potter. Why won't that kid bang Hermione? Wizard, my ass. Use that magic wand to make his beast massive and poke her like a piñata. Mmm, poke. No, I don't care that she's like 11, if there's grass on the pitch, let's play. Back up. Use that magic wand to make her tits bigger. This is Christmas, after all.

Well I'll give you a small teaser. It starts with v2, ends with TV. Give up?

As a child, my dad dressed up as Santa and asked me what I wanted. In retrospect, that was a mistake because I repeatedly asked for new parents. I always have this urge to go to the mall and get pictures taken with Santa. It would be cool like it was when I was a kid.
"What do you wish for, my boy?"
"Santa, I wish that were were no gays, lesbians or girls who like hockey."

Oh well, there's always next year. Happy v2 Christmas!