Forget the goddamn Super Bowl, it's my birthday!

 

 

Today is Groundhog Day. The groundhog came out and said "Fuck, it's cold." That was also a good movie, if I were in it I'd bang the same girl over and over, but yell a different name every time. Then I'd crash my car in like a hundred different ways, just to see how much property damage I could cause with a small car. Then I'd see how many people I could punch before anyone tried to stop me. Then I'd stop writing about this topic because you can write about this topic forever. And again. Ha. I'm clever.

Before we begin the celebrations for my birthday, I need to yell at you fuckers for something. STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES ABOUT HOW MANY SPELLING TYPOS I'VE MADE. Yeah, I make mistakes, but here's the kicker: You don't tell me what they are. Don't be a fucking BK. Here's an example of how helpful you all are.

"Your new article has a lot of mistakes. You can't type. You're stupid."

Thanks.

So this Sunday's my birthday. This Sunday's also the Super Bowl. Guess what? Who fucking cares, I'm way more important. I have Photoshop so I can make the Super Bowl look less important. Observe.

Last time I saw this many people excited was co-ed phys ed

And of course, I can't resist talking about Janet and Justin. Wow dude, you ripped off her shirt. Big deal. I do that, too. You did it in front of 100 million people, I did it in front of my cat. I hope this year they pull a similar stunt except they use someone blonde who's not a fucking dyke and doesn't dress like a Transformer. Bow down to v2, you fucking Decepticon. And keep your damn top on. And do you REALLY need fucking ninja stars on your nipples? You're a pop star, not defending your village from samurais and/or raccoons.

Yes, I said raccoons

The Super Bowl pisses me off. Most people watch it to see the new commercials. These are the same people that while watching their favorite show, when a commercial comes on, they have a seizure and flip through all 999 satellite channels to see else is on. Fuck. Yeah, it's the Super Bowl. There'll be a new Pepsi commercial featuring Britney Spears. Ooh. Ahh. Fuck me.

 

My Birthday

Ah yes, the big 23. Too bad it doesn't mean shit. 23, that's almost 25, which is almost 30, which is halfway to losing my ability to have a hard-on. It's going to be a good birthday though, possibly the best one ever, if only because this is my first year writing about it. As soon as I write about something it gets better or comes true. Sex sex sex. Lottery lottery lottery.

The number doesn't correspond to my birthday. Use your imagination

I think I'm too old for cake or candles. They scare me, fire is hot. I mean, I'm not 15 anymore; I can't eat the whole thing by myself. I would never share because it's not YOUR birthday, now is it? I guess I'll just have to get a smaller one, and instead of candles I'll use YOUR SISTER. I couldn't resist. A birthday also means I'm one year older and making my relations with her that much more illegal. Viva la prostitot!

If you even mention that there's no AGP slot, you're worse than the person it was made for

Birthdays are fucking awesome. I think the best part is the free dinner coupon that Tony Roma's sends you every year if you're registered. Now that's a present worth waiting for. Speaking of presents, I know that millions thousands hundreds a few of you are willing to buy me awesome gifts but don't know what to buy me since I have everything. Don't fret Internet geeks fans, I have a helpful list to give you some ideas!

Tommy v2's Birthday Wish List

A new house

That's King v2 to you, peasant

For instance you can buy me this fucking house. I'm sick of living where I do now, I want to move to someplace smaller, you know? I'm sick of reaching third gear in my driveway. You know what they say, "Home is where the house is." 

A pool worthy of the apocalypse

 

I've also always wanted a pool. Not that lame shit you see on MTV Cribs, I want an honest-to-god pool where I can worship all sorts of false idols and film medium-budget softcore porn movies with girls that laughed at me in high school. Still laughing at me, are you? Me too, when you go to the Walk-in Clinic. Owned.

Pizza

Google Image Finder I love you

Yeah, I love pizza. Not the way you like pizza, but in the way a man loves his stripper wife. I could eat pizza faster than I could vomit. When I see the Domino's delivery guy drive around, I'm always tempted to sacrifice my car and sideswipe him into a ditch and steal his pie. And his pizza too. If you're going to get me pizza, don't bother with figuring out what to put on it. Just tell them you want a bunch of pizzas. They'll get mad at you. It's a neat idea based on my experience with McDonald's almost ten years ago.

"Can I get an ice cream?"
"No problem. Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Yes."
"No, sir, chocolate or vanilla?"
"Sure."

A new car

If they say "the 'Vette gets 'em wet!" then this would be a slut tsunami

Yeah, all of you could pool together and buy me a new car. That'd be an awesome present. I got my car for my 19th birthday, so this would be keeping in line with that tradition. I love my car just fine, but let's be serious now -  if I can pick up girls with a 9-year-old Japanese sport compact, held together by Bondo, which I bought using leftover lunch money, then a Lamborghini would be fucking super. I could even pick up that really snobby European girl at my local bar AKA where the sluts hang out. In fact, I could even pick her up and bang her right on the hood. I wouldn't even need an engine. Hell, I wouldn't even need to have insurance. Fuck it, I'll just buy the keychain or something. It worked for my dad.

New toys

or...just her

Yeah, this would be a good present as well. I'm such a sucker for celebrities. If you're looking for a really great original present, this is the one. If you were really a big fan you'd go back in time and bring me the Olsen twins the day before their 18th birthday. If you're going to do something, do it right. See, most guys fantasize about having two girls at once, never mind sisters, never mind TWINS, never mind HOT TWINS. Not me so much, but I'd have to take this one for the team. Oh yeah, and what's-her-name Mary-Kate? That's two names. In bed I'd be yelling "Oh my god, Mary, Kate, AND Ashley!" That's three girls, dude. I am so awesome. Oh yeah, and if you were a REAL fan you'd go get their mom pregnant just so I could say "Dude, I fucked your sister...sss! Plural, fucker, PLURAL."

Fuck I'm awesome. Happy Birthday to me!