New Years Resolutions / The good 'ol days

 

 

Yeah, I'm back. Since you're all probably sending my family flowers to congratulate them on their loss, there's no point in explaining what a Winter Vacation is. Save your flower money kids, I'm back. Back like that rash you don't show your friends.

I know all of you were just sitting there checking every fucking day for a new article. You sat there and thought about what it would be about...and so you finally decided that it was going to be a New Years Resolutions article. It would be full of great comments about how this year I'm going to get more girls, more money, bigger wheels, etc etc. Well if you're so fucking inclined to predict everything I'm gonna write, maybe you should write your own fucking website? Know your role.

All right fine, so I ran out of ideas and had to write about New Years. Fucking sue me.

I got a hotel room. With two girls. I had beer and snacks. I don't drink much, but I figured neither did they so let's load 'em up. Specifically, I had beer and Gatorade at the ready. The beer for getting them drunk and the Gatorade for replenishing lost carbs and fluids lost from checking myself out in the mirror and flexing. I would've said something dirty there but I didn't have to...the girls did enough of that on their own.

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It only takes two to get a girl drunk, so 18 should do the trick

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Breakfast of champions

The countdown to New Years what not quite was it used to be. I blame it on aging and getting lamer by the day.

[11:59:50 pm]
*Everyone in room excited*

"10!"
"9"!
"8...7...6...5...4...2...1...HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!"

*Everyone in room excited*

[12:17:35 am]

*Everyone in bed sleeping*

What a fucking BK.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a party animal. I rarely drink, and I certainly don't eat party crap. When I woke up on January 1st, I had to have a breakfast consisting of Smarties and chips. Listen up college kids, I don't know how the fuck you do it. I do this maybe twice a year and I want to kill myself. Crusty sugar pellets and salty sheets of grease. Blah. Give me the healthy-yet-underrated Big Mac for breakfast any day. If you're going to kill me, at least be warm while doing it.

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New Year, new shirt, same stud
 

I wanted to wait a few weeks before I talked about my New Years Resolutions, just in case I couldn't keep any of them so I wouldn't embarrass myself. As luck would have it, I couldn't follow a single fucking one so there's nothing to worry about. Some of these nonsensical resolutions include:

Anyway, you get the point. So back to reality.

Today I had a chance to discuss things with my friends. I've had these particular friends for years now (something to do with my inability to make new friends because all new people are jealous of my wang car and bank statements) and we began to wax nostalgic about "The good 'ol days" when we were younger, in high school, shit like that. I got to thinking:

It's 2005 now. A whole new year. In a few weeks, it's my 23rd birthday. But I think the same shit every year. Were the old days really that good? Did I really have that much fun? Are things shitty now? It kind of got me down for a long time. I kept thinking about it while I drove home -insert comment about how cool my car is here- and then it occurred to me...

Maybe the old days sucked ass? Let's examine.

 

The Dark Ages

The year is 1999. Tommy v2 does not exist. There's just "Tom." Can you fucking imagine? Going on the Internet and typing www.tommyv2.com and nothing happens? It's like the Dark Ages. It's a sick, sick concept but I assure you these things did happen.

On the bright side, in 1999 not every action movie was a rip-off of The Matrix and not every horror movie was a shitty version of The Ring. There was no reality TV. Luckily you can always count on porn to exist at any time.

So back to me, since I count. In 1999 there was just Tom, just being himself. If you follow global history, this great leader was King Tommy v1. And just like some kings had warriors like Achilles, I too had my own warriors. Of course my guys didn't built a Trojan Horse, but they'd probably burn it down if they saw it. Or at least throw second-rate Chinese firecrackers at it. Oh yeah, and as for my obligatory little sister joke...dude, she's a toddler at this point. Icky. No grass on the field, I no play ball.

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Big hopes and dreams and no ego to match...yet

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Years later, I used to dress up to go on dates - now they just take their dresses off

See, great friends aren't everything though. All friends are good for is to encourage you to get laid and to get you into trouble so you can learn from your mistakes. Luckily, I was smarter than that and I learned from their mistakes - for instance, I didn't buy a Honda, hold Roman candles backwards or dated another guy. Obviously I turned out OK; some might even say magnificently. I would.

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Blasting yourself in the junk before you got it right: not pictured

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Right away in school I knew I was going against the grain

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Taking show and tell to the next level

See, back in those days things weren't so great for me. I didn't have mass appeal (not to mention the rugged good looks) that I do now. I had like one girlfriend, and for the most part, she was defective. She was only allowed to see me on weekends, which sucked. Sounds good! you say? Nah, my mom always needed the car on weekends, which left me up shit creek with no paddle. I only had one friend with his own car, but it's not like he would drive me on my dates anyway. I can't even imagine what it's like to date a girl and not have a car. Oh wait, yes I can -  it's called sitting in your room and whacking off while older guys drive her to all-ages bars and make Lindsay Lohan look conservative.  Back then we always dreamed of your friends' girlfriends because back then only looks mattered, and everyone's girlfriend was hotter than yours. I always wanted to bang all of them at the time...and now that I'm older, I can finally do it. 1999 sucked and you know it.

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The original version of playerhating

By 2001, I was finally legal. Big deal. Now that I could do whatever I wanted, I did nothing. That didn't stop my friends, though, as they were always bad influences on me and made me drink the funny soda. I just realized that that's the whole hoopla of getting older - drinking. Yay. Fuck me.

Tommy v2's Tribute to Alcohol

Thanks, alcohol, for the following events and occurrences

Don't get me wrong, I am not a beer basher. I just think that it belongs when you're 15-19 and don't understand the value of not feeling like shit. And being poor. And being beaten by your parents.

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I invented getting crunk...in 2001. Then I invented the keel over and die.

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Next time you dad doesn't want to pay your tuition, you'll know why

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Department stores, East Side style

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The Young and the Hopeless

See kids, this is my Public Service Announcement. Abuse of alcoholic beverages is bad! Tell you parents I'm a good role model! When you're done that, come back and let me tell you about how getting laid is the most important thing in the world and how it's worth paying money for.

Speaking of that, back in those days, it was hard to relate to girls. All they did was talk about tanning and cell phones. Now all they talk about is fake purses and shoe cleaners. Shit, that part didn't get any better. Girls are great, though. I would know. I touched one.

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Girl on knees: not pictured

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At this age I know better

Sometimes I get sad and nostalgic about not getting to hang out with my friends much. I mean most of them are still around, but it's just not the same. Back in the day, all we'd ever do it walk around, eat ice cream from tubs, shoot cases of pop with BB guns, eat pizza like it was our job, ride bikes down steep hills, and the list goes on. I guess I miss the days of not knowing a single person my age with living with a girl or not knowing what the fuck Ikea was. I miss eating sitting on a curb, now I go to places where they have spotlights and canoes hanging over your head. I miss making fun of the kids where spent their weekends losing brain cells while I set new world records for laziness. I especially miss the days of eating like a sumo wrestler and not gaining a single pound. Now I eat a few crackers and grow tits to put Victoria's Secret to shame. Oh well. Now I have a car so no ever has to see me walk, mission accomplished. The old days were simple really. When I was in high school, I was just a regular guy dreaming of doing shit-all at work, banging a cheerleader, and driving fast. Pretty regular dreams from a pretty regular guy. It all seems to have worked out for me and my friends, so maybe being grown up isn't so bad after all. Alas, we all love the feeling of being young and having no responsibilities. You can do that now, it's just called welfare.

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The spoon's maximum capacity is merely a suggestion

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There is no spoon

 

Everything seemed really good, and then everything was finally upgraded to v2. Whew, that was a close one! And now the world is a better place. I can't even imagine a world where I don't get hatemail, get playerhated on, not have better credit cards then my friends' parents, drive anything other than a Japanese Porsche, and not have instant messaging to any of the 15 devices attached to my belt. It's like being Batman...a way geekier, much whiter Batman. Short, too. Balding? Fuck. I can't wait to retire so I can spent more time online bitching about things that are wrong and bragging about the few parts of my body that aren't yet defective.

Here's to another great year of getting laid and paid to all my fans. Happy New Year. Fuckers.

Next stop: The Tommy v2 Birthday Bash!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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