I guess today's special was retard sandwiches...

 

 

Living in today's world isn't easy. It's even worse when your fucking breakfast lets you down.

 

Today's breakfast let me down. I eat Kellogg's Raisin Bran every morning. Even if it isn't the best cereal ever (Special K is), it's definitely the perfect blend of reasonable taste and demented amounts of fiber. I don't know if it's the IBS or what, but I need fiber. I'm not going to go into a disgusting discussion as to why this, but I need it.

Anthropomorphic stars do not a good breakfast make
 

Anyway, so today my Raisin Bran let me down. You know how there are "Two Scoops of Raisins!" in every box? Well fuck, there was one whole scoop in my bowl. That fucking sucks. If my cereal was a song, it would be Fucking Horrible by Kellogg's Raisin feat. Bran.

 

I give a lot of you credit on a daily basis. From now on, I won't.

Here's some quick examples. First of all, my web statistics. For the month of July so far, check out some of the winners and what they search for to "find" my site. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I haven't forgot about you. Wink, fucking wink

Whoever is looking up "http 503", you are a sad shit. You actually looked that up? I did, once, to MAKE the fucking page. Who in their right mind would look for that had they not been making a page about it? Oh, and if you're copying my idea, may you burn in hell. Who looks up "wrist slitting"? Wow. I did give you fuckers too much credit.

When a fan writes my an email, I always respond. Always. No matter how short of awkward, I always write something prolific in return. If I make a comment or ask a question, ANSWER ME BACK. What a fucking BK.

This is what happens to most girls when they get email from me (or a roofie colada)

For the love of all that is holy, can you not follow directions? You people are so rude. You're the same people who walk past homeless people and laugh. Honestly people, at least give them counterfeit money so when they go get something to eat or booze (likely that) they'll get arrested. That way they'll have a warm place to sleep. You know what they say: Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night, set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. From now on, when I get emails, I'm going to send you pictures of my penis just to invoke some kind of reaction. And if you have a computer with enough video RAM to display that big a picture, then congrats. It doesn't hurt to hit the "Reply" button with a quick blurb about how me responding to your email was the highlight of your life and now you can slit your wrists in peace. That is why you looked up my site, right? Weirdoes.

I hate dogs.

I wish I worked at a huge company's marketing department. Call me cocky, but I could make any company millions. For example, this is me working at Apple:

"Any ideas for the new iPods, Mr. v2?"
"Of course. First of all, for the love of Christ, make one that's black. We're not all girls and we certainly don't need seventeen shades of pink."
"Is that all, master?"
"Make it better. And in black."
"Here's your cheque, Lord."

It's just that simple. I swear some companies don't know what the fuck they're doing. For instance, McDonald's. See all those nonsense commercials about families, kids, blah blah blah. Here's an idea. In this new commercial, there's a bunch of hungry people eating McDonald's for lunch and saying, "This is fucking awesome. Subway and Wendy's fucking suck." I've never seen someone get McDonald's and look anything but orgasmic. Capitalize on that. Ronald McDonald, if you're listening, please hire me. And I'd still fuck Wendy. Pigtails make me horny. I once used the paper bag to relieve the pressures of manhood.

I applied for a job at the police the other day. That would be awesome if I worked for the police. I would arrest drug dealers, then confiscate all their drugs. Then I'd sell it to children for money to buy bigger rims. I figure if the children were buying drugs they weren't worth protecting anyway.

I was at the movies a few weeks ago to see War of the Worlds. As the intro was playing, a girl a few seats over asks her boyfriend, "Hey, is this based on a true story?" Yep, it sure is.

The only thing scarier is how horrible Dakota Fanning is

I'm sorry, as much as I liked the movie I didn't believe in it. If those fucking things came out of the ground, every single person would have died from a heart attack. Not taking pictures, discussing, crying, just death. But, of course, someone had to ask if it was based on a true story. Retard sandwiches.

You know what I hate? Those people that say the original version of anything is better. With the rare exception of some music, every new version is way better than the original. Normally I'd put all sorts of screenshots to prove my point, but this time, new stuff's just better, OK? If they ever remake Napolean Dynamite I hope all the actors and crew from the original one come to the screening and get blown to bits. No clever joke there, just violence.

I hate monkeys. I have the spelling of monkeys. It's supposed to be monkies, I'm an immigrant and I'm telling you so. The word monkeys looks like the stupid kid in class wrote it down beside his name, which inexplicably has the R in his name written backwards for maximum lexdysia. You know what made me sick? When that Portuguese kid in class always brought his lunch wrapped in the bag milk comes in. It always made me gag. Kid, do you know what bacterial culture is? Good, now get it off your face.

I love ignorant, uneducated people. I should get a quarter every single time I see someone chewing gum because they're starving. If you don't know how a human digestive tract words, please die. "But the gum makes me feel like I'm eating!" And then what? Connect the dots.

I just realized how brilliant I was while I was writing another chapter of my book. It's like every single page is the best book you've ever read. It's like eating at a buffet - the second plate is the best, but it doesn't stop you from eating seven. Oh, and if you're a girl that's pissed me off at some point, you'd going to be eating some humble pie. When I told you that you were the best in bed, I was really just talking to myself. Ha.

One last thing. How would you feel if someone searched the word "stupid" under Google Image Search and your picture came up?

A billion Internet users can't be wrong

Ask this chick. She just got owned.