Apparently the woman's movement is not a type of dance
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't grow our own tits. It's rough, really, it just pains me to think about it. See, girls, I do love you, but I gotta say - It's time to smarten up. I am so sick of hearing it:
"Tommy v2's website is bullshit. He's such a pig! He says derogatory things about girls, talks about how he bangs us, blah blah blah pots and pans tampon matching blue purse." Well let's clear things up.
A person as fantastic as Tommy v2 (not to mention handsome and well-educated) doesn't even have to write a [brilliantly-written] article about how women aren't equal to men. Why the hell would I do that when you all do that to yourselves? I'm just going to cut and paste from the real world to prove to you all that any issues you have in society are completely brought on by your own stupidity and ignorance.
This isn't a debate about equality. Men, women, whatever, I'm the best. If I were a girl (I'd be sexy, natch), I'd say that women are better. But since one of my X chromosomes dropped a stem, I'm a man. Then, that same stem turned out to be huge and now I use it to turn frowns upside downs. If I was an animated character, I'd be a cross between Batman and Quagmire. You heard it here first. Anyway, back on topic before I start telling you about my utility belt.
First of all, girls are fucking mean to each other. For every guy that rips on a girl, there's another girl that beat him to the punch. Girls have spent hundreds of years trying to be equal, but in the process they have got there and then went right backwards. Groups like the Spice Girls and Destiny's Child teach young women to hate men while hating their own bodies. It's kinda cool because I prefer women blaming each other for their problems instead of me. Let's explore some of the female quirks.
That is SO yesterday...
Episode II: Attack of the Cones, err - Clones
For instance: Girls love being individuals. They don't want to even have the same shoes as someone in their school. These are the same girls that pay $73.13 for a haircut and highlights to look like Jennifer Anniston. Guess what, ladies? It didn't do it for Brad, and it won't work for you. But then again, if my wife was on Friends, I'd toss her too. To quote the great Al Bundy: Friends - don't have 'em, don't need 'em, sure as hell don't wanna watch 'em. Girls act all special until they're in large groups. Then they're all cheap whores. Yep, I said it - it's out there. Now we have to live with it. When girls go out to the clubs, they are clones of each other. Each one does the same things and says the same shit. Alcohol, the great equalizer. The problem is, I prefer to adjust my equalizer at the 80Hz frequency and not while watching you babysit each other. Here's an idea - get a clue. Be yourself. Well, be an easy version of yourself - the friend I brought can't afford to buy you another vodka cranberry.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful
I hate when girls lobby to be respected for their brains and not their boobs. I work downtown, and honestly, there isn't much sexier than a girl dressed up in a power outfit looking like she owns the place. Girls like that I totally respect for their brains. You've done well if you work in the CBD of your town. Those of you, however, who hooch yourselves up and then give me the finger when I look at you - you can all burn in hell. If you don't want us to look, don't show it. Wear your heart on your sleeve, not last night's cum stain. I like school uniforms for that reason. You get recognized for your personality more so than your clothes and body. Oh yeah, and also if you're banging any girl, it's not that hard to pretend that she's the hottest girl in school. Conclusion: present yourself how you want to be interpreted.
Exhibit A Exhibit B
Reality Check:
It only looks like Exhibit A on the box. As soon as you get home and open the box, you get Exhibit B. Luckily, most carry at least 30-day warranties.
What's even worse is when you meet a girl and she looks amazing. Then you go for a few dates and she's still amazing. Then a week later, she's wearing stuff to make your grandma blush. That's false advertising, biotch! My Ferrari wasn't a rental, why should your style be? (If I had a Ferrari, I wouldn't need to have this website.)
You know what else? All you girls blab on about women's rights and girl power and all that shit. Here's an idea - stop doing shit for money. I swear girls will do anything for money. If you disagree, then I suggest you put in a random word in on Google and search that. Wow. If you haven't watched porn in years I suggest you go rent some new stuff. You won't even believe some of the things girls do these days. Ten years ago this kinda stuff was locked in some dungeon with bats circling it. All for the dolla dolla bill. Don't get me wrong - I love seeing this stuff, if only to realize that as long as women whore themselves out for money, they will never be beneficial members of society. Ten bucks says if I walked up to a girl my age and offered her a thousand bucks to bang her, I'd have change left over. I mean, look at the pictures in this article even - these ain't exactly Kodak moments. Proof that even the almighty dollar ($0.82 USD) triumphs over all prudence and common decency. Thank god I'm getting paid next week.
That's Christina giving the women's movement the finger. I'd give her a couple, too
There isn't much I can say about Christina Aguilera. She's a good singer. I even fucking own her newest CD ("Can't Hold us Down" is the best hip-pop (can't believe I just said that) song made to this day) but I wouldn't want my daughters looking up to her. An image like hers is for young guys and old pervs like my dad, but it backfires and corrupts your little sister. When I come up with the bad part, I'll let you know.
7th Heaven. I hate that fucking show. I'm going to write an article about it.
Luckily not all girls are as bad as Christina. For instance, I love Jessica Biel. She is absolutely the best female celebrity role model on this planet. See that perfect body? Guess what? She's not stick thin. She worked her ass off for that body. Her legs jiggle when she walks. She has a chest. Her face is merely great (for a celebrity, in real life I'd pay money) but she makes up for it with great hair. And notice the movie roles she takes? She does shitty action movies. She does her own stunts. She doesn't parade in her thong every given chance, although she has a way better body than any pop star. She hasn't fucked half of Hollywood. She's a decent person and deserves an award. If it were up to me (aka no fucking chance), I'd re-enact the scene from Rules of Attraction with her. Even though she plays a total whore in that movie, I'm sure she took the role to show people what happens to horrible girls like that. Right. Ha. You whore. What a great movie. "Is this Patrick? Hello?" Man that part's awesome. Yeah, so thumbs up for Jessica Biel. Then there's Christina Aguilera. And although "Dirrty" is the second best music video ever made, Christina's still worthless trash. Have your heard this girl speak? It would lower your body temperature. "I have 18 piercing. Most visible, and some in special places. Only my lovers can see those." Lovers, like fucking PLURAL? You dumb twat. Since she's a marketing genius, she'd better invent that Aguilera bug spray. And take a bath in it. Chances are, if you're a guy attractive enough to be approached by a millionaire pop star for sex, you've banged a ton of normal girls already. That means two things: 1) I hate you, 2) Asshole. I'm not going anywhere with this story, I'm just jealous. Christina, you're a whore! Unless you fuck me. Then you're inspirational for all nerds-turned-heroes such as myself.
Lowering the bar
Hilary's such a good role model. She's only carrying one.
You want to know what the most disgusting thing that a girl can possibly do? Carry condoms in her purse. In my short life I've dealt with some really sleazy girls, but nothing takes the cake like condoms in the purse. Let me explain it to you in retard terms.
A guy carries a condom in his wallet for fun. First of all, doing that makes you look like an idiot. A guy who can get laid anytime like that doesn't need condoms, he needs a vaccine. It makes you look like such a fucking tool - AS fucking IF you're just going to meet someone today and get laid. Yep. Uh huh. That condom's been in there since Grade 11, pal. Oh, and of course, should he meet a girl that's already passed out, that condom's not gonna work properly anyhow. It all fits together perfectly. Darwinism 1, Frathouse 0.
Now, if a girl carries one, that's just gross. Unlike that frat boy, a girl can actually get laid at will. If you go out with a conscious expectation of putting out to someone, you should be ashamed. You should apologize to your mother. If you want sex so fucking bad, get a boyfriend. There's a million Star Wars nerds out there that would drive their TIE Fighter over to your place to fuck you like a 14-year-old. If you're an insatiable whore, you should be married. That way you'd make some guy way fucking happy and not be a prostitute in the process. I've even seen a girl that only carries "Large Size" condoms in her purse. That right there is why they put soap in bathrooms. Run, don't walk, to your local walk-in clinic. Now excuse me, I'm going to walk over there and throw up about something else.
And no, she didn't buy it. It's her husband's.
OOPS, I did it again...
Girls do stupid things, like pictured above. Here's an idea girls - STOP DOING SHIT LIKE THAT. Honestly, even I'm laughing at you. (I was laughing at you anyway, though, because you turned down that upgrade in grade 8) Be more cautious, being more conscious to the things that people watch you do. Don't feel too bad, though, because of every girl that can't change a tire there's a guy who hangs out with his buddies and sees who can put more staples in their arm. Being ignorant is way better than being outright retarded.
You know what I fucking hate? When girls piss me off. Check this: Yesterday I was at my local music store when this girl pulls her boyfriend over to check out the new issue of Rolling Stone. She's like "OMFG, Jessica Alba. She's so hot." The boyfriend says nothing and moves on. Now why in the blue hell would a girl swoon over another girl? The guy didn't say a word, but the girl had to mention how hot Jessica Alba is. Girls, don't fucking do that. You say shit like that, then an hour later you're grabbing rolls on your stomach and getting depressed because you're not as hot as Jessica Alba. It's like us guys stopped being pigs (temporarily, mind you) and you had to make up for it by lowering the bar. Girls are obsessed with Angelina Jolie. I'm not sure why. She has big, fake lips, and decently-sized snack trays. They are nice, but, umm, why the fuck do you care? I heard so many girls say that if they had to have sex with a girl, it'd be Angelina Jolie. Weird. You know that's gay, right? She has a great body, but, does that mean anything? You're the ones going around bashing guys for wanting a girl just for their looks when you want a girl yourself just because she's hot. If I were a girl and was forced to have sex with another girl (I can't even imagine the fucking situation) I probably would pick a close friend or something, not a tattoo-covered, white trash, Cambodian-child-adopting, shitty-movie-starring, likes-to-cut-herself-and-bleed wacko with big lips. Call me weird. This type of societal opinion is what makes girls assume that a threesome is their boyfriend and one of their girl friends. Yep, because lord knows that if I was a girl, my kinky fantasy would be featuring another girl. You know that's gay, right? You people scare me. Girls, seriously, get a grip. Stop telling me how hot Kate Bosworth is. You're supposed to be dreaming about the guy.
Is this really the sexist woman alive?
Then there's my favorite part:
"Hey hun, can we have a threesome with your friend?"
"What are you, fucking crazy? She's a girl. Eww."
*Scratches head* "You're a fucking BK."
If Teagan was a stock, I'd go long on 69 shares
Girls are so funny. I feel sorry for gay guys - they got it too fucking easy. They relate to the more logical of the two genders. Where's the fun in that? Who doesn't want to run around clothes shopping and buying chocolate bars because their woman has "a chocolate craving." What the fuck is that, anyway? I'm almost 24 years old and never once did I crave a chocolate bar. They're good, yeah, I eat them, but I don't fucking ever remember they exist otherwise.
Moral of the story? Girls, be respectful of yourselves and each other, and soon men will follow. When a woman works on my car, I don't think twice about it. I am a true equalitarian because I have some semblance of faith left in today's society. You girls, however, seem to take every chance to bitch each other out. Honestly, please resolve your differences and stand up for yourselves and your womanhood. Preferably topless.
