It's not my fault that you're fucking defective

 

 

 

I swear there is something wrong with you people these days. I can’t watch TV for 5 minutes without hearing the newest, most fucked-up shit known to man.  Viagra is linked to people going blind! Aspartame is giving people cancer! Honestly now, you worry more about the shit you eat than you do using your blinker and not sideswiping an ambulance.

It’s 2005. Without any warning, millions of people nowadays are downright defective. 100 years ago, there were no gays, retards, fat people, AIDS, STDs, allergies, ADD, carpal tunnel syndrome, sunburn, pollen, oh fuck me. While there are a million reasons for me to hate all of you because you’re all defective, I have to point out a few which are near and dear to my heart. If any of this applies to you, please fucking kill yourself and put yourself out of my misery.

 

Allergic to dairy / Lactose intolerant

 
I'm not pregnant, but I eat like it
 

When you are born, it is your biological right to enjoy breast milk. I never saw a baby suck on a tit and then bitch and complain and get diarrhea. If you can’t do dairy, there is a fundamental problem inside your fucking brain. YOU CAN’T HATE DAIRY, IT’S DELICIOUS. It only makes your stomach hurt because you gluttonous fucks eat a whole carton of ice cream and super size your milkshake. I’m so fucking sure that a glass of chocolate milk will upset you. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

Allergic to chocolate

Back to science class, kids. Chocolate is North America’s only real dietary source of zinc. Zinc is the mineral which controls the formation of testosterone, which makes men manly and women horny. Allergic to chocolate means you’re a bunch of fairies and frigid bitches. Oh, and if you’re allergic to the milk in the chocolate, fuck it, forget it, it’s over.

I am, however, allergic to a couch that ugly

Pollen Allergy

Easily funnier if you know what kind of flower this is

 

Now you’re allergic to flowers. That’s awesome. I’m gonna call up my local FTD and have you sent back into the stone age where you belong.

 

Peanut Allergy

 
Breakfast 2.0
 

This is where I draw the line. YOU NO LIKE PEANUT YOU GO KILL YOURSELF. I fucking love peanut butter more than I love listening to myself talk. How can peanuts do anything to you? It’s all in your fucking head. If you told me that I had AIDS, I’d probably develop lesions  on my body from the inherent stress. Peanuts, same thing. You are NOT allergic to them, they are delicious. I’m going to fly a jet over your city and spray peanut butter all over everyone – the useless people will die, and the normal people will celebrate and be happy and eat peanut butter.

 

Shellfish allergy

 
I'm allergic to anything with an exoskeleton
 

This is awesome. Before there was an allergy, no one knew what the fuck a shellfish was. Now it turns out that you can be allergic. Here’s an idea – don’t eat them. It’s like discovering that Uranium was radioactive, and then getting everyone to mine it just to show how bad it can be. 20 years ago, no shellfish, no allergy. I’m pretty sure they don’t grow on farms and aren’t carried by western winds, so what’s the problem? Man, this super-rare-only-found-on-the-rust-of-the-Titanic-spore-spawn-plant is making my stomach hurt, I wish there wasn’t so much of it around…

ADD

Attention Deficit Disorder. A term so powerful they had to shorten it to an acronym just so you wouldn’t lose interest while writing out the whole thing. Your child’s mind wanders off. Here’s an idea. Stop treating this like a disease and start pretending you’re not fucked up. If your child exhibits behavior of this ‘disease’ then just beat the idea out of them. Stop giving your child so many options! When I was a kid I had a box of Lego and rocks to play with. Kept me entertained for days. Nowadays, everything makes noise, flashes, blah blah blah. This is fucking insane! They have a pill that fixes this now. Imagine that fucking thing. They take a small white pill and all of a sudden your child can pay attention. Wow. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that was science fiction. Oh wait, it is. Parents should be the ones taking the pill – birth control that is, so I wouldn’t have to deal with a fucking kid that says “Your new article was too long, I skipped a bunch of it cuz I was bored.”  Kid, if you can’t read a whole article then the directions on the condom shall forever be a mystery to you. Good riddance. I hope you fucking die while not paying attention to the train crossing.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just hold your attention for a long time like this one time

ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

 

Reminds me of the not-so-bright kids in high school at lunch hour
 

Back in the day this was just kids being kids. Nowadays kids run and scream and smash things and yell and fuckssake I’m going to kill them all. If your child is hyperactive, here’s an idea: Don’t have them. If you, as a parent, can’t strike the fear of God into your own children, then all hope is lost. I made my computer, it totally listens to me. If you make your children, own up to your mistakes and make them right. There is no such thing as ADHD, it’s just you not doing your fucking job.

Gays

Do you drive automatic?

 

While it’s way too easy to rip on gay people, I’ll leave it at this. The square peg does not go in the round hole. Girls are hot. While it may sound like I condone lesbianism, I don’t. The last thing we need is more girls all over each other so there is some single dude out there that starts to fall to the dark side. Square peg, round hole.

 

 

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

 
Ah, memories of prom night
 

Your hands and wrists hurt from doing the same thing over and over. That’s like saying “Doctor, every time I cut myself, it bleeds.” If it hurts from doing something, don’t do it. Napoleon Dynamite is just as bad the 6th time you see it, so stop watching it. If your wrists hurt because you spend all your time on AICN writing talkback about how Lord of the Rings Episode IV will be great, that’s God’s way of telling you that you need to stop. I’ve been whacking off since I was 5 years old, and it doesn’t get any more repetitive than that. Ignorance is bliss.

 

Sunburn

If you get sunburn, it’s not because the ozone layer is shrinking. It’s because you’re a wuss. Get the fuck out of you parents’ basement and go work on something outside. If you burn easily, go and get some sun all the time so your skin will adapt. God forbid the Irish ever got into a war with Egypt. Oh second thought, I hope they do.

 

Bee Sting Allergy

 
Anthropomorphic characters tend to be more terrifying than the real thing
 

I guess I’m allergic to bee stings. If a bee stings me, it hurts and that spot swells up. That’s normal. Take a needle and stab it anywhere. Same thing. It’s not a bee allergy, it’s a pain allergy – which is just a fancy way of saying you’re a pussy. When I dated my first serious girlfriend, a bee stung me on our first date. I should’ve known it was a Shakespearean foreshadowing of what was to come – Chlamydia.

 

Tomatoes

This is my favorite one. If you don’t like something, you’re allergic to it. To fully appreciate this example, go to your local Taco Bell during a busy lunch. Listen to some of the shit people say when they’re ordering. It will make you want to castrate yourself.

“I’ll take a Taco Supreme, but no tomatoes or sour cream…I’m allergic.”

If you know Taco Bell, that joke’s twice as effective.  You are NOT allergic, you just don’t like them. It’s fine not to like something, just admit to it! Don’t cite biology to justify something just because you don’t want to upset your mom. I don’t like Friends, Adam Sandler, or Chris Rock. That doesn’t mean I’m allergic – although Adam Sandler has been known to make my fists swell up – although that could be from the punching of the wall pretending it was him. I wish he was fatally allergic to money. They’d better invent that anthrax cereal soon. I’d like to touch the heiney – with a fucking taser.

 

Allergic to work

Apparently some people are. Maybe they’ve confused it with being allergic to money. Yeah, I know some of you took my “If you hate your fucking job, then quit!” article to heart, but seriously now, get to work.  A guy asked me on the street for money. That’s great. Ask your mom. Ask the doctor at the abortion clinic why he didn’t work overtime that day while you’re at it.

 

Fat People

 
I'd rather be the guy on the left! (cleverly hidden slander joke)
 

Stop eating.

 

Allergic to latex

 
She's inflating it to v2 compatible size
 

This humorous example has been used on my website several times, and it gets funnier every time. HA HA HA allergic to latex. HA HA HA. Allergic to latex. Ha. The only thing that would be funnier is a girl that's allergic to Rayon. If you do any research, you'll find this joke to be particularly funny. I'll give you a clue, the word starts with TAM and ends with PON. Man, I'm like Bill Nye the Science Guy, except I might actually stand a chance of getting laid, even after this article.

I’m proud to say that I’m 100% defect free. Possibly I could be better in several areas, but technically there is nothing wrong with me.  It’s OK not to be perfect, but it’s wrong to keep making stuff up to create new jobs. My doctor – when I used to have one – drove several Mercedeses. You know why? Because you suckers keep going to get checked out for things that don’t exist. A rash on your elbow from rubbing it on your arm rest? Chemotherapy. Blurry eyesight from staying up all night watching downloaded episodes of Wonderfalls? Lasik. Can’t get an erection without Viagra? All you need is porn. If porn doesn’t turn you on, it means the sex you have is more exciting. When your sex life is better than porn, you don’t need Viagra – you need a lawyer.

I dunno. Like honestly, my parents always taught me that spending money on healthcare is like buying a casket for a newborn – not necessary and wrong. That’s why it’s good to grow up poor and ignorant – it makes you strong. I don’t have brain defects, and I’m handsome to boot.