Inspiration 2.0
Unless you didn't clue in by my lack of mentioning it, I'm back in the workforce. I regularly drive by Verizon on my way home, only to laugh and sometimes fondle myself, if only to recall how I took breaks during my shift to whack off. I'm back at a proper job, one without an employee number and no fucking semi-cubicle to post pictures of my ride on. There's a point to telling you all this...I like to talk about myself.
Since I'm a Canadian working on am American schedule - again - (coincidence, don't get too excited) I get the best of both worlds. I got my May 2-4 Victoria Day weekend party (in which no one wanted me dead - at least as far as I know - contrast that to last year's tragedy) and the Memorial Day weekend. I have no fucking clue what Memorial Day is, but any day that lets me holiday is a good one.
So I was at this party, right? And this girl sees me and she's like "Oh my god Tommy v2 I ovulate about you all the time!! LOLO!!!1111 1n73n53!!!!"
Naturally I blushed. Possibly it was the Lakeport Light talking, but I inquired further. She said "Oh my God I love your fucking site so much that I need to read it all the time. I memorized your entire Sports article and I go to all the schools and scream it out loud at all the kids playing sports!"
If you could stroke an ego harder it would have been animal abuse. "Oh?" I said. "Tell me more."
"Tommy v2 you sexiest man in the world with the biggest dick and the most money, just to be able to read your site all day, I got this..."
Fire and the wheel just took at a back seat to the best invention ever
It was like everything you ever worked for coming true in one shot. This is as good as watching yourself fuck them prom queen from a file you downloaded off LimeWire.
Have you ever Googled yourself? I have. Not only do I write about myself all day, I also read about myself all day. I came across a website that lists quality sites and links - so obviously I'm on there. He has to audacity to make some horrible comment about me. Check this out:
What an ignorant prick. Let's get the facts straight here. I was never fat. I am not cocky. I am awesome. See, I just totally made that guy's day now. He just read this and he is so fucking proud of himself! I would be a decent person and provide a link to his site, except that I worked my ass off for this site and he won't be riding my coattails. Thanks, bro. If you ever call me fat again I will impregnate your brother.
In another example of my ability to move people, I give you this:
Years ago, when I was at the ripe age of 16, I met this girl and her friend. I had a crush on both of them. One of them was really hot and I mostly wanted her for her body. The other was slightly less hot, but way more fun and a hoot to be around. Naturally I took both of them home at one point or another, if only to show off to my dad what a stud his son was. Now I don't want to use any names because I have no idea how to contact a lawyer, so I'll give her the generic name of Ungrateful Biotch. So, I was all into Miss Biotch. We'd hang out every lunch break, etc, etc. I was quite certain she was all into me, because quite frankly, look at me. She didn't have the best self esteem, but I always complimented her on how beautiful she was. She was kinda scrawny, with the fashion sense of a thrift store reject, but she was cute. I told her that I was a powerful man and I would grant her anything she wanted, so she said to me, "Tom, I wanna be famous...like a model or something!"
Even when I was just v1, I was still mackin' harder than Ronald McDonald
To this I responded, "You can't be a model...you have no tits. Who's gonna whack off to that?" But instead I said, "Sure." She smiled. One day she transferred to a different school and I never saw her for years. Then, in February of 2002, I ran into her. She seemed better looking, more confident, possibly less rectangular in shape. I said my hellos and all that shit, then she left and I never saw her again. A girl I was with said, "Wow, she was really pretty!" Not to be taken by this comment, I smoothly replied, "No she's not, she never let me fuck her."
Flash forward to 2005. While Googling her to see what she was up to (or if she had any venereal diseases, for reference purposes), I stumbled upon her website. She is a model. Go fucking figure.
So she grew some tits and proved me right
See, everything I touch turns to gold. If she had been a little nicer to me (ie: not been a frigid dyke (what did you except from someone whose favorite band is Matchbox 20? Wow.)), then I would post her name here for the whole world to see. It would be decent advertising for her, since, clearly rich and powerful read my website, but instead, no deal. Now that I look back at it, she is so full of shit. She always dressed like a bum and made fun of the pretty girls. Now her job is to look good for money. This is the same girl who's a major feminist and hates shallow men. Instead of having a reputable job and being a meaningful member of society, they pay her hundreds of dollars to see her thighs. This is me rolling my eyes. I ended up sending her an email to congratulate her on her success, but she didn't replay. You know what happens when you don't reply to my email? You get your ass handed to you via your email address being added to hundreds of gay porn links so you can't access your legit clients' emails when you need them. Take that, poetic justice. You skank, put your clothes back on and go back in time and take them off! I swear, the nerve of some people.
Ever heard of the band Kittie? Well the former bassist for that "band", she went to my elementary school and high school. I found her to be really hot until I asked her out and she turned me down.
Trust me, she was way hotter at age 13 before retardation kicked in
Now look who's the boss, bitch! You're out touring the world with some new band making mad cash and fucking everything with a pulse, and I'm sitting here paying a bill for a website about how clever I am! The point is that I touched her arm and now she's famous. Just like that. But since she turned me down when I was a sad boy, her email, too, has been added to those ubiquitous porn spam lists. And no, I don't know what ubiquitous means but I told myself I'd use it one day. Ubiquitous porn lists, you whore.
Lord knows if you can't read or write, you can rock
People are so fucking useless. I have decided that the majority of the public are horrible fucking people. I listen to people's weekend stories and it makes me want to go to church. I've watched porn for years and the stuff people do in real life is far, far more disturbing. The most hardcore porn starlots demand thousands of dollars for the crazy shit that they do, citing moral reasons to not do so for less than the asking price. You people, however, will burn in hell. I was young and dumb once, had my fair share of promiscuous activity, but I was only doing all that to fix my self esteem. You people are worshipped (like I am now) and still do all that crazy shit. It's funny, really, a girl that won't even mention sex for weeks is the same girl that goes to parties and sucks off dirty college trash. It's time to have some self respect, kids. I thought sex was popular, but now it's more popular than, say, showering. People are having sex at such a young age, and it's getting worse. Eventually we're gonna be back at the biblical ages where people are married at age 12. In due time, mother and daughter will be in the same high school. Knowing how people do it these days, they will both be involved in the same group sex.
That's what I exist for. To help you poor fuckers live your lives better. My website is like the new bible, spreading the good news to all that read its pages. I read websites myself, and they are all horrible. Always full of corruption, bad ideas, and so-called "humor." If it's humor then why the fuck isn't it funny? It's like watching Friends. One day I'm going to be a major celebrity with my own reality show, and then you will all see how it's done. You'll watch in amazement as I make the world a better place. But until then, I'll just keep force-feeding you shit about how great I am while you roll your eyes. And you love it.
And just to set the record straight, I did touch the model's legs once. Now that's ubiquitous!
