Patriotism / Honestly, now!

 

 

With both Canada Day and Independence Day in the same weekend, I decided that I might have an opportunity to do some very patriotic things. Before I get to that though, I'd like to take this moment to bitch at you girls for being so fucking weak. I present to you:

 

Honestly, now! Have a fucking backbone.

 

On my way to work today, I was on my way to an intersection. In the distance, I saw two white blobs. One tall skinny blob, one wider, shorter blob. I was going to ace my way through the intersection, but I sensed a red light was impending, so I pressed the pedal in the middle (there's a hundred morons scratching their heads right now) and came to a satisfying stop. It turns out that they weren't blobs, but in fact, white trash. This guy looked liked a anemic, sickly version of Kid Rock. He was shirtless, pale, thin, was wearing white denim shorts (a collective "ewwww" is in order), had disgusting scraggly long hair, and of course, covered in tattoos. Now I know I'm old fashioned and don't approve of body art, but his tattoos were in Chinese. Hey asshole, before attempting Chinese you might want to figure out English first? For instance "Roll condom tightly to the base of penis, avoiding air pockets." Naturally, behind every good man is a far, far worse woman, so his girlfriend needs some analysis too. She was a modern monster. Whiter than the noon sun, and similar in size. Chaos-organized orange hair up in some kind of baguette from hell. A black & white horizontal-striped tube top that was stretched out further than last season's episodes of That 70s Show. Hey ladies, if your body isn't shaped like a tube, don't wear a tube top, OK? And if that wasn't the icing on the cake (which she probably ate) she was pushing a baby stroller. Yes, bacteria multiplies. Poor fucking kid, being put into the world to live a life of embarrassment. And of course, I didn't get the the good part yet. The time was 8:47 am. What kind of people go out together with their baby at that time? UNEMPLOYED ONES.

You already know how I feel about guys that wear hats

So of course my question is, why does a girl even stay with a dipshit like that? He obviously beats her (I can tell because he has long hair), he can't offer her anything other besides company, and yet she would do anything for this guy. Girls, honestly, get a backbone.

Put this on your backpack (which no doubt is filled with empties)

Some guys can beat their women and get dinner cooked, whereas I'm a pretty decent boyfriend and I've gotten dumped for looking at the girl's hips for 1/3 of a second longer than I should have. There's no fucking justice. Girls, don't deal with assholes and have some pride. Guys, treat your girls well - that way you're way more likely to have a threesome with their  friend.

Patriotism 2.0

Since both holidays are in the same week, I decided to dedicate my article to my country and one that isn't mine (just for good measure.) I think I'm as good an American as I am a Canadian. To say that I'm barely patriotic is a hyperbole. Fireworks scare me, I'm always sure it's the terrorists attacking. There's just something so wrong about hanging out with 10000 people in a park that are all drunk and smoking up. They always have sprinklers around so people bring their little kids and the girls are always in little swimsuits. I feel dirty. Makes me feel a whole lot less patriotic when this is a country of freedom and every single thing that I think of doing will get me 25 to life. All the stupid teenagers are always together in giant groups, all giggling and shit. Seriously, what the fuck is so funny? Unless you're discussing last week's episode of American Dad or referencing Mitch Hedberg, shut the fuck up. It's not funny. Oh yeah, you can also talk about my website that's making derogatory comments about you and belittling your very existence. Now that's funny.

The same city that pays for this charges for parking at a church

It's weird to see people being patriotic when they've lived in that country their whole life. They have no means of comparison. I came from a shitty country, so I can appreciate living here, where my biggest concern is what font to use on my business card.

Reasons why I love Canada

Typical Canadian thinking - now how the hell do you get in?

1) I live here
2) We're multicultural so I can exclude at least half the people as an excuse
3) Now they're filming tons of movies and shows here, so there's an off chance I can meet Keifer Sutherland at a mall
4) Our national mascot is a beaver, which I've no doubt run over at least once in my life
5) Watching a child draw the maple leaf on the flag is always funny, stupid fucking kids can't draw straight lines

But since I love my American fans,

Reasons why I love America

Some people on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th floor are screaming, but that's cool

1) Best TV shows and movies are made there
2) You have more fast food places than you do bathrooms
3) You have the best president ever. Finally someone that's not a hippy piece of shit
4) Teagan Presley
5) The Internet is in California

Notice I didn't say anything predictable like "hot girls"? That's because every country has amazingly hot girls. Every place I've been to the girls are just hotter than the next. If you think your city has the hottest girls, I dare you to step into my old high school. You will go to jail. For a long time.

This is how I'm going to celebrate this weekend:

It's not peanut butter & crackers, but it'll do

And that's fucking it. I'm just going to eat and do nothing.

Did you know...?

As a service to my readers, I wanted to let you all in on a secret that my dad discovered and has made him a lot of money. It's tedious and annoying, but guess what? Money talks. This is my last bit of patriotism that I'm going to show to both our countries. Oh Canada and Rocket's red glare and all that shit.

Did you know...that...99 cents Canadian is worth 99 cents American? As long as you exchange the money in change, without crossing the dollar, you get even trade. Quarters are the reasonable choice. Go rape a few pop or vending machines in the States with your Canadian coins. The "Return" button is now your best friend. Cha-ching!

Now I know I got your head spinning, go forth and commence project mayhem version 2.0.

Fuck now I want a pop. I'm out.

Happy holidays. Get laid. Please. Some of you need it. Use my 99 cent scheme to get a hooker. Honestly. Do it for your country.