Uh-oh, I guess that makes me a bad person

 

 

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Ruining lives one bill at a time

 

I know that you're all dying to know how my birthday went. While not nearly as exciting as Lindsay Lohan's sixteenth birthday, it certainly had its charms. As much as I'd like to brag about how great it was, my site has not degraded into a fucking blog so I will continue to make shit up for your entertainment.

It was awesome. That's not the made up part.

Whoever said winning doesn't matter was a fucking loser

Who voluntarily puts up embarrassing photos of themselves? Pick me, pick me

My birthday was one of those you-gotta-be there kinda things. It's much better when you're experiencing it in person rather than reading about it. It's like comparing Penthouse forums to flipping to Channel 495 on Dish Network. I miss having the Dish Network. Now all I have is Kazaa, Bitorrent and one hell of a spindle of DVD-Rs. I miss seeing something once and catching it in the moment. Now I have the ability to change the ratio of the anamorphic pixels. Boring. Damn I sound like a loser. Anamorphic pixels. God help me. Sadly, that's also not the made up part.

I know you're dying to know how my Valentine's went.

Whenever someone does something nice for you, make sure you censor their name

Valentine's was awesome as well. While not quite packing the same cultural significance of my birthday, it still made an impact. I loved going out and seeing all the sad lonely single people on Valentine's. Here's my public service announcement.

You're lonely for a reason. You're useless. You're more worthless than your dad was telling everyone. If you're going to be single and lonely, at least have a date for Valentine's! Shit, how hard is it to find one person of the opposite sex to spent a little time with? Get with the program. Yuck. Lonely people scare me. All of you are like the Unabomber. Bin Laden. Hitler. Michael Jackson.

 

Big Announcement that might expire by the time you read this

Well, the time has come. After years of faithful service working at my job, I moved on. I decided that working for a multimillion dollar company was no longer doing the trick, so I had to switch to a multibillion dollar company. Before you get all jealous and send me hatemail dedicated to neutering me, let me show you the cold harsh reality.

McDonald's = multibillion dollar company
Burger King = multibillion dollar company

Luckily, I'm not retarded so I don't have to worry about working for those particular companies. So who do I work for? Before you get wet just imagining who I work for, it's Verizon. Yes, that super-evil mega conglomerate Verizon. You know, that Verizon that buys entire companies for the sole purpose of laying off thousands of workers so their children can starve and they can never afford to send them to a decent school? Yeah, them.

That's awesome!

And the best part? I'm a Canadian and we don't even have Verizon here. Ha. We hire hundreds of people every month while honest hard-working Americans get laid off. We Canadians may suck shit at the Olympics, but when it comes to screwing over decent people, we're awesome.

A few more lines and we have ourselves a swastika

Granted, my job is fairly shitty. I provide fairly shitty tech support for Verizon's reasonably-shitty DSL Internet service, but I do it well and I do it with pride. I know what you're thinking: tech support is a shitty job. Here's what I think: yup. But you know what? There's a certain satisfaction in knowing you're hurting someone, somewhere.

This is what I wish my workplace looked like. It doesn't. Time to lay off some more Americans

"I hate Verizon! My connection is fucking slow and it's always down! Fucking assholes! Where the fuck are you guys located so I can come down there and break your fucking faces?"
"London, Ontario, Canada, sir."
"England?! Fucking assholes!"

Ha, you're awesome. You know what? I just realized that I like ruining days, perhaps lives. Whenever I cause someone's blood pressure to rise, it makes me happy. Downright fucking gleeful.

But of course, working with new people immediately pisses me off. It's hard to laugh at customers who can't double click when your co-workers aren't so fucking smart either.

"Oh my god, I was talking to this person from Pennsylvania today, and he was like it's freezing here! I asked him how cold it was and he said it was like 28 degrees! He thinks that's cold, what a retard!"
"He was talking about Fahrenheit."

Some people are just fucking stupid. Whenever I tell a customer that we're located in Canada, they get all amazed like they just seen a ghost. "Wow, you guys have Internet there?"
"Yes, my igloo complex is actually running on a 5 megabit connection. We play hockey on breaks and wipe our asses with snowballs." Some people will believe anything. Most of these people read my website.

Naturally, being the consummate professional that I am, I still do good work. In training, I received the following postcard from my trainers about a customer comment. When employees of a bazillion dollar company give you 'kudos' then that's a good feeling. So, in turn, I have to quit just to screw them over. Kudos to me.

It's like grade 2 all over again, except this time I'm actually getting kudos

I just realized I might have a social problem because I really don't respect people's feelings or even give much of a shit for that matter. Does that make me a bad person?

Short answer yes, long answer...definitely.

Oh, and just before the rumors start, yes, I totally agree with child labor. Those fucking brats needs to stop stealing shoes and go make me some. Nope, that's still not the made up part.