Don't hate me because I'm beautiful
It's about time. I know, I know. I missed myself too. It's weird being away for so long, but unlike the last episode of Seinfeld, this is worth waiting for. Thanks for all your emails harassing me, and thanks to all the girls out there that believe that showing me ta tas will make me write another article. It worked. (Or so I'd have you believe.)
You know what I love more than I probably should? Me. But what else? Being right. I love inventing things and then multibillion dollar companies taking all the credit. Here's an excerpt from my July 12th article.
I wish I worked at a huge company's marketing department. Call me cocky, but I could make any company millions. For example, this is me working at Apple:
"Any ideas for the new iPods, Mr. v2?"
"Of course. First of all, for the love of Christ, make one that's black. We're not all girls and we certainly don't need seventeen shades of pink."
"Is that all, master?"
"Make it better. And in black."
"Here's your cheque, Lord."
And lo and behold?
Joke: Who's worse than Bono? Answer: Adam Sandler
Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, in fact they got rid of colors all together. Just black and white. Asian people do not approve. Since me writing shit on the Internet makes things come true (witness my invention of vanilla gum from September 30, 2004), here's hoping that the next set of requests get met. You know on Amazon you see people's wish lists? People are so fucking phony. They make it seem as if they read all those fucking books and you should too. Guess what? Reading is for losers. If it's not on the Internet, it's not worth reading. When's that last time your history book played Wu-Tang mp3s in the background? Exactly. I hate phony people that think they're so smart. Guys are so attracted to smart girls, right? Nope. I've found a away to train girls, however. Observe, peons.
Instructions: Insert into vaginal opening. Use of water-based lubricant may be helpful.
That's it. That's the joke. I was gonna write about how you can use those directions for sex, blah blah blah, but that joke fell flat. Sometimes people surprise me. When you're as wonderful as I am, people go out of their way to praise you. Sometimes they don't even know they're doing it.
I always knew that feature had a good purpose
Finally it all makes sense. Being awesome isn't everything though, so that's why I make sure to take time out of my busy day to piss someone off. A few months ago I noticed that some fucking retarded Livejournal asswipette was using one of my pictures as her "emoticon" on a journal. Well guess what? I noticed she was using my shit without direct references to my sexual prowess, so I smacked her, nerd style. Raise your multimeters in the air, my fellow geeks. Now put them down, you disgust me. Here's the email, I'll let you fill in the blanks as to what I wrote to her.
That's one way to get a new visitor
A firewall to block linking? Yeah, it's called the Internet wouldn't fucking work you dumb twat. That honestly made my day. She didn't even go to my site before, but ever since I posted that mildly polite entry on her site, she decided to check out my site AND write me an email. Now that's marketing. Imagine the things I could do if I just went up and punched someone in the face. I could sell a fucking tank to Gandhi.
And of course, because I have no shame, I decided to show off my Statue-of-David-like body all the haters. Ladies out there, consider this to be your early Xmas present. If you were lucky enough to be with me, you could hang out in penthouse suites and enjoy moments such as these.
It's things like this that make me never worry about wearing a pink shirt in public. Some guys don't have the gonads to do it. And some of them shouldn't - they're not manly enough. Just so you know, just before I started typing this paragraph I came back from the hardware store and bought enough tools to fill Adam Sandler's family tree. I am easily 51% male. My chromosome composition is XYY. I am not just an alpha male, I'm like beta. Yeah. I'm eating meat as I write this. Red meat. Grr.
One of my best friends loves movies. He loves movies more than you do. He owns more movies than Blockbuster. That's how much I like porn. I wish I had grandkids just so I could pull off this elaborate scheme. It's very unlikely, but I couldn't make the joke work any other way. I'd have grandkids, then go back in time. I'd take him to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Then, December 3, 2003 when it comes out on video, he'd just all mental for me to buy it for him. Then I'd buy him this.
You can already buy HD-DVD, as long as it's smut. Hollywood should be ashamed. Then make porn.
Now I'll admit, that was a lot of work to get in a clever obligatory Teagan reference at the expense of implied child exploitation. It involved a time machine, for fuckssake.
Anyway, back to me being awesome. It's so much fun flirting with girls that are clearly way too young and just a little too stupid. When you flirt with a 16-year-old, she gets all shy. Turns red. Sometimes I can't tell how old a girl is until I use my best lines. For example:
"Umm. Excuse me. It's...not going to suck itself."
16-year-old > Does it.
23-year-old> Does it better.
It's so hard to tell these days. The place I work at now is right across the street from a beauty school. A fucking beauty school. Some of those girls are ugly. Soooooo....ugly. Shouldn't they take their own advice? That's like going to a urologist named Dr. Hook. Like visiting a Giraffe specialist named Dr. Acula. Beauty school girls...I dunno about those. I couldn't imagine dating a beautician. Always trying to pluck my ass hairs and shit. Damn it. I hate when girls tweeze their eyebrows, because it always ends up with them using a #2 pencil to fix that shit. Leave your body as nature intended! Just get implants, fix your zits, stop shaving your arms, stop eating and get naked more often. Other than that, I think you're all set. Oh and brush your teeth. I know you like chocolate milk and all, but that's no reason to drink it and then not brush your teeth and never open your mouth for 4 hours and then eventually cause me to take antibiotics to cure the wound I have inflicted on my wrist from trying to end a life that does not so closely resemble hell.
And just for you girls, I've decided to upgrade all of you with yet another segment of me in lingerie.
It's true, though. Everyone's jealous of me. Fuck, the Internet's been sad without me. Don't worry, next time I leave this long I'll crack open the window a little. I'm just glad that I satisfied you as always.
That's what she said!
I'm so funny.
