Labour Day - it's not just for pregnasaurs anymore

 

 

Just this time last year I was writing my Back to School article. It seems just like yesterday, minus the 20 pounds I've packed on since then. 20 pounds of solid beefcake, mind, you. It's crazy how time flies, but not nearly as crazy as some of the videos you'd find on my hard drive. Or on my Xbox, for that matter. To celebrate, I'm going to tell you all about the things I do to make sure as many people are unemployed as possible. Let's start with the obvious.

 

Piracy

Good to the last drop

Don't you love going to the movie theatre and sitting through those god-awful sob-story commercials about how some movie-camera-repair-specialist might lose his job because you download feature films with Bittorrent? Oh no! If you lose your job and that director making $80 million shooting a movie about wizards and goblins doesn't get a pay cut, then consider your life useless. I'll admit, piracy does cost the movie industry tons of money - at least a few hundred bucks. Such greedy fuckers. Star Wars Episode III comes out, breaks all sorts of records, makes $108 million in a weekend and they bitch and complain that piracy is hurting the industry. Here's an idea - shut the fuck up. Every good movie that is supposed to make money does. Every art movie that does shitty at the box office - nobody downloads those movies. They make you feel guilty for using your god-given right to steal. Err, share. It's even one of the 10 Commandments - Thou shalt share. See, it's right there. I'll take it one step further. I don't particularly download movies (I go to the cheap theatre that shows second-run movies), but as of right now, not only am I going to download everything, I'm going to pass it on to all my friends and co-workers. I'm going to give that shit out to homeless bums just so they can sell that shit so they can buy some more Listerine to drink. Movie industry, please understand - piracy doesn't cost you any money. It only costs the consumers the time and money to go to Costco and buy a massive spindle of DVD-Rs. Idiots.

Abuse of free samples

Fucking over the system 30ml at a time

I work downtown, so I'm always running into kiosks and idiots giving out free samples of things. "Try this delicious new fruit juice combination!" they say, smiling. Try it, I will. 7 times. You'd be surprised how awkward it is for them to tell you to fucking go away. Sometimes I'll say such wisdom such as "Wow, I didn't realize that raisins and drywall would make such a wonderful fruit juice," and they'll feel bad because they think I'm retarded. Mmm, drywall. Pepsi Taste Challenge, that's a good one. "Try these two, tell me which one tastes better!" So I drink the Pepsi first, then the Coke. Then I say the the first one tastes better. They give me a prize. Then I say, "Shit, I need some more Pepsi please to get that shitty taste of Coke out of my mouth." They hand over another cap of Pepsi. Over the years, I estimate that I've gotten almost a full can of Pepsi from this abuse of the system. Girls, if you're attracted to a badass, get me while I'm hot. I'm intentionally ripping off a multibillion dollar corporation. You know who really wins from this? Coke. You can't even imagine how much Coke they sell to the Pepsi taste challenge people. Idiots. It's like getting girls pregnant just to prove that condoms are useful. Idiots.

"Sampling" at the Bulk Barrel

Like taking candy from a baby

You know those fucking bulk food stores. I estimate I've tried at least a dozen different pieces of dried fruit in the past 6 months. The other day, I bought some chocolate almonds. I turns out that I had to fucking pay $7.57 for a bag of that shit. I didn't even want it that bad, and definitely not $7.57 worth. Next time I'm over there I'm going to dump a bag of milk in one of the barrels of cereal. Do you like apples? Well how do you like them apples? Idiots. I will extract my revenge.

Gas prices

A picture from years ago for gallons now translates to litres. Fuck me.

I am quite literally stealing from the gas companies by driving a car that gets 40 mpg. Sometimes I will just not drive for days just to prove a point. When I came to Canada, gas was 37 cents a litre. Now it's a scant increase at $1.28 a litre. That's funny, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that was stealing. Gasoline isn't rare, retards, so fucking stop it. Gas is in unlimited supply until it runs out. There is no "shortage," there is no "supply and demand." There's just gas and we're getting raped for using it. I feel like going to the thrift store to buy some grubby clothes just so I can go to a 24-gas station with a gas can and steal gas. The attendant will be smiling at me until I fill the can and start fucking running. What's she gonna do, run after me? That's when my friend fills another can and runs. I don't condone stealing but now I do. Everyone please steal gas.

Buffets

Buffet - to infinity, and beyond!

There's stealing, then there's highway robbery. Case in point, come watch me eat at a Chinese buffet. I eat more than the $7.50 I've paid. I eat more than the girl next to me paid. I eat more than Section F. If I make one more homeless Chinese restaurant owner, I've done my job. You're supposed to eat 2500 calories a day? Per plate, you mean? I'd eat the plate if I could. And steal the glass. And the straw. And the virginity of the girl three booths down - after I ate her food, of course.

Prostitutes

Because a picture of my ex would be in bad taste

Cleverly enough, I even steal from them. I make sure that my sex drive is kept in check by massive amounts of porn and of course banging cheerleader (singular). What this does is keeps me from resorting to paying for prostitutes. If that sounds far-fetched it's because it is. This entire paragraph was just an excuse to mention pirating porn when I've already mentioned pirating movies above. People shouldn't pay for porn just like they shouldn't pay for running water. Sometimes people try to make me feel bad about how much I like porn. Next time you watch your favourite sports team or come home early just to watch your favourite TV show, think about it. At least I don't pay for it. It's not an addiction if it's free.

 

Labour Day is a special time to celebrate some free time with friends and family. Since I have neither one of those, I'm going to celebrate by using criminal amounts of bandwidth and hard disk space.

Good beer, bad friends, good times

This is the first time in years that I don't have a designated Labour Day party to go to, but that's OK. I mean, after all, there's always next week. Or year. Then, on Tuesday it's time to go back to work. I rather enjoy my job, and even more so now that I left that bag of $7.57 chocolate almonds there. I swear if one of those Mexican cleaning ladies ate them I'm going to declare war on their home country, Taco Bell.

It could be worse, though. I could be going back to school. Now that's a scary thought.