v2 for Vendetta

 

 

 

 

We live in a horrible, filthy world. Allow me to don my Guy Fawkes mask to do my part in making the world a better place. Plus maybe it can help me score with one of those dumb left-wing liberal lesbian hippy biznatches. They always tell you that that fish smell is "a liberal woman's rights!" and shit like that. The only liberal woman's right is to go to the gynecologist and get that fixed. The best part is when they're in denial - "My boyfriend/husband/professor sucks, he never goes down on me. He did it once, and then never again. What a lazy bastard." Ha. Some girls got it so bad. I can almost, almost understand some natural pheromone fragrance or something, but man, just don't outright stink. Here's the most important lesson you will ever learn, people. The wetwipe.

+    =

Yep, the wetwipe. You take a bunch of toilet paper and get it wet, using the sink supplied within arm's reach. Then, you wipe with this moist paper. It helps clean more thoroughly and increase the pH level of that magical area closer to the pH 6.8 that it's supposed to be, and it's downright refreshing. Otherwise you're just dry cleaning your dirty parts. Ever try to dry clean a dirty car? Exactly. You CANNOT clean with dry. Well, it's even hard to dirty something dry. The best is when you have to use public facilities with a friend - they can slip you wetwipes under the stall for your convenience, if you're flying solo you can pre-wet a few wetwipes before you head into the stall. I've been doing this since 1989, and life's never been better.

It's amazing what a fucking distraction being smart really is. Back to my attempt to make the world a better place.

They say that sports and competitive games bring people together. I wouldn't agree more. Sports are a wonderful way to bring people together and bring out their best. For instance, I was on a date one once and the girl launched a rogue golf ball at some white-trash alcoholic dumbass. It hit him pretty square. She didn't yell "Fore!" because she felt that  it was entirely possible that the potential recipient couldn't count that high. Instead, she opted for second best, a whisper of "Oh fuck...that's gonna hit him." Seeing that ball hit him and make him violent brought us closer together. And yes, we got the ball back too. Nike, just do it. Another wonderful concept is that golf brings together bitter old men and punk kids together in the same place. I'm not going to fucking bridge the generation gap - I ain't tucking in no goddamn shirt.

Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction

Back in grade 8 my friends and I me and my friends played a variation of soccer called FIFA Jam. It's like NBA Jam, but with a different coloured ball and altitude of said ball. Long story short, the game brought us together and strengthened our friendship - well, until I was trying to play some serious D and ended up stomping my friend's ankle and it almost came out through the skin. I ruined his grade 8 graduation by making him stay at home while the entire class went to Niagara Falls and Marineland. Revenge was a dish best-served frozen when years later he would fuck the love of my life while I desperately clanged on to any shred of willingness to live I still had. In case you're wondering, I didn't save the goal and my team lost the game. A sign of things to come? Possibly.

That's why you gotta wetwipe

Let's talk about scientology. Funny thing is I've never heard of it until someone famous mentions it, like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme or human rights. I still don't know shit about it except I heard one thing that got me hard - that scientologists believe that "there is no such thing as chemical imbalances that need to be corrected with drugs, and that depression could be treated with exercise and vitamins." Oh my. Haven't I been saying that forever? Drugs are the solution and cause of all society's problems. You heard it here second! Tom Cruise is awesome, he saves the world from aliens, terrorists, football players and jet fighter movies and bangs Batman's girlfriend. He makes the world a better place.

Trendier than Old Navy

Nerds are wonderful as well. As much as I don't enjoy their nonsense and light saber battles, I do like how they don't cause problems for other people. They end up making a lot of money, dating some freak-ass porn star nerd girl with an affinity for "light sabres" and "the force" in bed. Lucky guys. I also like how they aren't very attractive and make me feel better about my 14-inch terrorist defeaters. Gun show, indeed. I think today's nerds are far better than displayed in teensploitation movies - some of them are even funny. It's even better when you understand their nerd jokes. Thank God god that I'm an educated man and understand every person alive. Nerds are essentially the laziest people alive, and I appreciate that.

False advertising

For instance, this morning I had a rude wake up call with the worst noise known to man - roofing. You lay there in bed hearing this constant knocking and clicking - and you CANNOT figure out what the fucking noise is. Is it road construction? Terrorism? Birds raping each other? You start imagining every conceivable act that would make that noise until is spirals into utter lunacy. Every string of thought ends up with something out of War of the Worlds. Nope, just roofing. I always fantasize clock tower snipering one of those roofer cocksuckers while they're working. In fact, as I write this I am drooling over playing Duck Hunt with a human being. That dog won't laugh at me, as I will also shoot him. I hate dogs. Nerds will not do roofing. Great.

Didn't even have the hardware to make it run in full screen. Now that's not very nerdy at all

And now I'm off to watch some downloaded TV to make the world a better place. That's how I rebel against giant corporations - I download their commercial-free product and play it on my modded Xbox. Nerdy, and rebellious. It's way less effort than rigging a train to blow up Parliament anyway.