The v2 Awards
If you’re anything like me, you’re obsessed with reading peoples’ lists. Fuck, I spend
1) all
2) fucking
3) day
reading lists. It’s amazing what you can get paid for these days when you have a good education. Speaking of not having a fucking education, let me give you this example:
I’m at Dairy Queen. I get a Pecan Mudslide, one of those things that makes you believe in an organized religion. The fucking bitch doesn’t give me a spoon. Now what? Now I get her pregnant, preferable anally. Grr. Next time, get this man a spoon.
I’ve decided to put together a little awards show in my head and give you the Closed Captioned html version. If you’re looking for logic, don’t bother, it’s with the abnormally full bin of plastic spoons at Dairy Queen.
BEST NEW PRODUCT OF THE YEAR:
Gilette Fusion razor
Check this out! 5 fucking blades! I remember trying a Shick Quattro a few years ago. 4 blades. It hurt. I would always nick my balls. It made 4 infuckingvisible cuts to every skin surface. The only good thing about it was the weight of the handle. That way, when you drop it while shaving your sack, it falls on your toes squarely and cuts those, too.
So Gillette throws in some impressive one-upmanship and makes one with 5 blades. 6, even, if you count the one in the back. So many blades, so much surface area that pretty soon they’re just going to sell bug screen to scrape against your ugly mug. One time, I bought one of those Shick Injector razors. One fucking blade. It was amazing. The blade went right to the edge, so you could carve pictures into your ass, should you choose to. You could draw maps with this thing. Two blades wasn’t better I reckon. 5 might not be the solution.
Runner up: Bread in foil packaging
BEST NEW CAR OF THE YEAR:
Ford Fusion
Check this out. Let’s take the Gillette Fusion razor, graft it onto the front end of the car and call it a day. Fuck it, let’s call it a Fusion, too.
Nonetheless, it’s a good car. The rear end is very cutting edge design, ie: the same design Honda used on their Accord 12 years ago. Good work.
Runner up: School Bus that wakes me up every morning when it picks up those fucking white trash children
BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR:
Yeah, so it’s only August. These lists never stay firm anyway.
HARD CANDY
What a kickass movie. Telling you about it is merely wasting time you could be downloading this gem. I don’t recommend paying to see any movie, as this supports the nonsense of a Superman movie costing 250 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS to make. Excuse me while I spend $14 on a Gillette Fusion XLR Power Mach225.57 and kill myself with it. Hard Candy, go see it.
Runner up: Any movie with Penny Flame
BEST VIDEO GAME OF THE YEAR:
Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube/PS2)
What’s that, you say? That was last year? It’s not like a better game came out this year anyway. In fact, the last game that came out that was as remotely as good as this was Eternal Darkness. Yup.
Runner up: Dreamfall. (Xbox/PC) I wish they took out all those stupid gaming bits out of it and made it an interactive book. I’m not paying $60 to play a game, fuckers! Automate that shit.
BEST FAST FOOD OF THE YEAR:
KFC.
Runner up:
KFC, last year.
BEST TV SHOW OF THE YEAR:
Arrested Development
Easily the best TV show, since, well, anytime 24’s not on. There are two types of people in the world – those who love Arrested, and those who haven’t seen it. Don’t be an idiot. This is where I put in some random quote from the show to inspire you to spend the hundred dollars for the DVD sets.
“Why won’t you *beep* me?!”
Not great, but not bad, either.
Runner up: None. That wasn’t even a new show, either.
BEST ANIMAL OF THE YEAR:
A dead dog.
Runner up: A dead puppy.
BEST WEBSITE OF THE YEAR.
Tommyv2.com. Duh.
Runner-up: Youtube.com. This is brilliant! Now while you’re at work you can watch videogame speedruns and full episodes of Married with Children. Hell, they stream. Trust me, when I’m up at 3:24 am at work, I’m watching someone destroy Sonic the Hedgehog in 19 minutes. You should be, too. It’s crazy to think that someday I won’t even need to use torrents because everything ever made will be ready to stream, in full HD, any time. It’s like coming to my house to watch porn – you know I got it.
INVENTION OF THE YEAR:
Bringing your own beer wherever you go. I’m gonna have to take credit for that one, as I’ve been known to drink beer at church. I’ve also been known to lie, too.
Runner up: Whacking off with your left hand.
So there you have it, a small list to celebrate some of the year’s greatest accomplishments. Even though it’s the middle of the summer, I thought it was worth a shot.
PS: I don’t go to church. If God is everywhere, why do I have to go to his house?
