It may not be September, but I'm taking you back to school
It’s really something when all your hard work finally pays off. I went from having the best website to having the best website that’s popular. Fuckin' eh. The first night that my hosting service turned me off due to service overage was probably the best feeling since I got head for the first time. It was at a public park, daytime, kids running around and it was in my mom’s Chevy Corsica. It was amazing (not the car). You know how hard it is to focus on finishing when you’re convinced that little Billy is going to sneak a peak? Exactly. It wasn’t a problem.
English, me hardly knew ye
First thing’s first – what the fuck have you done to the English language? You Internet jockeys are legitimately shriveling my balls with your horrible spelling and outright pillaging of the English language. I understand making typos – we all do it. My website is riddled with them, but the human brain misses many of them thanks to the power of selective interpolation.
And believe me, I love English
My favourite thing is when I hear people making fun of immigrants for their struggles with English. Some of the stuff you people say is ignorant, rude and downright straight fuckin’ nuts, yo. Just because someone has an accent doesn’t mean they are stupid – it means they’re speaking another language. That’s already FAR more than most of you can ever hope to achieve. I assure you that when they speak their native tongue, they sound just fine. Unfortunately, many of you sound intellectually handicapped speaking the only language you know. It’s one thing to have a style of speech (for instance I talk with a lot of urban slang – by choice) but to talk like you’re a guest on Jerry Springer – well, I won’t bother topping that simile.
Amazingly enough, I wasn’t even born in an English-speaking country nor is English my first language. I’d like to believe I’ve mastered it just fine. Seeing what some of you type actually makes me feel ill. Let me put this in a slightly bigger font so your YouTube-riddled eyes can see it:
it's = contraction of the words “it is”
its = possessive form
I see this mistake constantly in reviews or commentary sites. Guess what? You fucked up a three letter word. You are not a journalist. You will never write for the New York Times. You are not your fucking khakis.
My new life mission is to be a boss that hires people. During the interview for a job that pays $250K a year, I hand you a piece of paper and pen. I say to you, “Alex, please write the following sentence. ‘The best of its kind.’”
When you write “The best of it’s kind,” I FUCKING HIRE YOU JUST SO I CAN FIRE YOU AND SUCKERPUNCH YOUR FUCKING KIDNEYS. Stop writing “it’s” – period. If you don’t know the fucking spelling of a THREE letter word, then don’t use it. Moving on.
THEY’RE = contraction of “they are”
THEIR = possessive form
THERE = location or almost always followed by “is” or “was”
If you have a problem with 3 letter words...
Seriously…is that so complicated? I know some of you are already feeling the early warning signs of a migraine.
YOU’RE = contraction of “you are”
YOUR = possessive form
During the same interview, you may write something like, “Tommy v2, your one smart dude!” and those are your last words. I use my secret white dragon technique to liquefy your soul. Some of you MySpace children with your white trash spelling and MTV attention span really make me consider getting a vasectomy. Why stop at cutting a tube when they can just hacksaw through my medulla oblongata? In the long run this may be a more humane option.
New paragraph and colour in case your attention was drifting
I hate to be rude, but, why are most of you so fucking dim? Your feeble brains are weak like clock radio speakers. Some of your emails offend my monitor. When I came to this country, I was so afraid of making a spelling mistake – because all the “really smrt” English-speaking folk would make fun of me forever. I took great care to make sure I learned it right the first time and stuck with me forever. I was reading 8th grade novels in grade 3 and I was subconsciously learning how to spell. What the fuck were the rest of you doing? I was the spelling bee champ, undefeated, until one day I fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. By comparison, it makes losing my virginity about as vivid as getting gas 3 years ago.
Grade 4. January something. If you got perfect on a spelling test, you got to play with blocks while the rest of the class redid the test. I immediately assumed that I got perfect, so I started playing with blocks. All of a sudden, I was handed back my test. I fucking spelled the word friend wrong.
Freind. I’m not shitting you. Ever since that moment, I vowed to never misspell anything ever again. Nobody’s perfect, but my spelling is. Teagan’s ass is. Pizza Hut buffet is. Die Hard 2, although excellent, isn’t as good as Die Hard; which is perfect.
Screen cap of Die Hard? Well, maybe the hard part
If you’re going to send me an email, please have the decency to call an immigrant to proofread your work.
The right to have an unoriginal thought
Let me tell you about originality. I read every single piece of fanmail and comments written about me and my site. I run into things like,
“That line – he totally stole that from American Beauty.”
It's amazing - one music video with Fred Durst and you're a nobody
Hey fucker, are you serious? Do you know what a reference is? When Family Guy does it, you laugh your head off. When I make a reference, you call it stealing. I’m hardly trying to pass it off as my own. It’s put in there as a wink-wink to those of you who enjoy the finer things in life. It’s not my fault that you consider ownership the be-all end-all. My car has a steering wheel – they stole that design from a pirate ship circa 12 B.C.. Fuck. I’d better sell it now.
Listen to this crap: One of my coworker’s sons said, “Why do they keep remaking movies? Why don’t they come up with new stuff?”
Kid, are you retarded? Your ignorance will be the end of you. There are DOZENS of completely original independent movies that come out every year that you’ve never made an attempt to watch. It may actually be your fault if your movie ticket stubs read nothing but remakes. (Actually, they’re showing nothing because they were printed on thermal paper, sucker). If you missed out on Hard Candy or Little Miss Sunshine this year, I genuinely feel bad for you. If you listen carefully you can hear me weeping.
Hard Candy contains the most intense scene in any movie, ever
Lack of initiative and apathy
My greatest fear for my children is that they won’t be as smart as their dad. The only way this can happen is if they breed apathy. Apathy is the single biggest problem facing today’s youth. They simply don’t care about learning or developing any abilities outside their interest level or knowledge. They are more interested in learning to play the guitar than learning how to properly clean their teeth. It shocks me that you can get a driver’s license without having to know how to drive manual transmission. That’s ludicrous. I heard a girl once say “Is that when the stick can move sideways?” No, lady, it’s that thing they use 99% of the time EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT NORTH AMERICA.
OMFG is that a Sierra Mist? LOLOL!!!!!1111 O SnAp!
Every girl I’ve met that were unfortunate enough to lack basic limb coordination, I make it a point to teach them to drive stick. (Insert awesome joke here). I want them to become more skilled, independent and able because I don’t want them to be another “dumb blonde” impressed with their boyfriend’s basic motor skills. You guys should trying treating a girl with respect and letting them learn your manly things. It’s amazing how a girl responds when you treat her as an equal and make an effort to put her on your level by swallowing your pride and having the patience to teach. In case I’m losing my core fanbase,
“Teach girls lots of things. Then they will like you more and fuck you more because they are just toys.”
-My Dad, 1999
Upgrading your mind to v2.0
I have a lot of free time because I work smart, not hard. During these sessions of mental masturbation, I often wonder what I can do to make the world a better place. What can I provide to all of you to help you be better? Inspiration. I’m going to give you inspiration like my ex gave me Herpes Type IV Simplex. Yeah – somehow she upgraded it.
Image finder result for herpes - trust me, I'm doing you a favour
Let me ask you this: Do you take the time to improve and upgrade your mind?
Let’s think about the Internet. Besides giving you the pleasure of reading my John Irving-like brilliance, it can teach you things. For as low as $9.99 a month, you have THE ENTIRE COLLECTIVE KNOWLEDGE OF MANKIND. There, I said it. You have access to everything that anyone’s ever learned or made ever. Every album, every diagram, every book, every previously-enjoyed Britney panty, everything. So what do you do? You spend all your time downloading new desktop backgrounds, or as you call them, “screen savers.” (That’s as wrong and illiterate as saying “I’m doing to download these ring tones to my phone.”) Up means to, down means from. Now breathe.
Thou shall not worship false idols
If this article is making you feel a little uneducated or ignorant, please do me a favour:
Open another browser window, and go to the following sites. Bookmark them. Immediately.
m-w.com
howstuffworks.com
snopes.com
wikipedia.org
webmd.com
I didn’t even make them hyperlinks just so you are forced to make an effort. Spend an entire afternoon reading those and I can promise you that you will become a better, more intelligent, educated person. You will have new things to talk about, think about, be more social and even better looking. Spend a little while every day reading random articles on those sites and get back to me. Don’t even bother returning to tommyv2.com until you know what the occipital lobe is and how to spell it while dispelling urban legends.
The fact that you’re reading this on a browser means you have access to every piece of information ever gathered by mankind. Please don’t squander it. Now go forth and upgrade your mind. Since I’ve already done that, however, I’m off to download some videos so I can upgrade my left shoulder.
