New Year's Resolutions 2006

 

 

Another year. It's amazing. Just yesterday I was hanging out with my friends wondering what Y2K would be like. We were so fucking excited that we even made sandwiches to celebrate it. It's amazing to be so fucking young and stupid. Looking back, you don't realize how illogical you are. We all thought that Y2K would bring us the end of electricity and the end of civilization, until you realize one thing:

Time zones.

That's right. While you're panicking that the nuclear power plant is going to Y2K, there are millions of British children asleep for 4 hours well into 2000. Oops. That's what we get for thinking that New York is the centre of the universe. It may be, but it's GMT -05:00 left of centre of the universe. And here, for your amusement is actual footage of my Y2K experience. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then is definitely worth more words.

 
I knew this footage would come in handy

With that science geek / common fucking sense moment out of the way, we can continue to discuss what matters most. Me. I see huge things happening this year (none the least of which is the massive beast between my legs). This will indeed be the year of the upgrade. That's my version of the Chinese calendar. 2005 was pretty good, but it was a little unproductive in the grand scheme of things. For instance, I might have accidentally given money to poor people. I thought the girl was a hooker, and her pleas of "I'll take any amount you have in your pocket" sounded like a new pair of Altec Lansings to my ears. She fucking tricked me. I gave her 52 cents and didn't even get brain. That's right, my dick's so big I don't get head, I get brain. Or some trachea, for my freaky giraffe hoochies.

This year is going to be special. I'm going to make the world a better place for everyone. Here are some resolutions that I'm employing this year.

Educate the children

The future is looking bright

My main goal in life is to educate, motivate, and irritate. I hate children, but sometimes I come to the uneasy realization that they are indeed the future. This is why I have to corrupt them into thinking like me. I have to brainwash a small army of children that goes around driving Japanese cars, eating Chinese food and putting down white trash backwards-hat wearing fucktards who couldn't wipe their ass for the prom queen. Mmm, prom queen. Luckily today's children do everything that the TV and Internet tells them to do. Great. I'm going to Toys R Us and terrorize all the toys with my tommyv2.com label maker nightmare. They'll be upgraded in no time. Sales of baseball caps will go down considerably. Local Chinese restaurants will win the proverbial racial lottery. Can you imagine a world full of brilliant children that write their own websites? It'll be like the real world, except the opposite. I don't give a shit what they do, as long as they call me daddy. Hail to the chief.

 

Increase the piece peace

Finally a good use of a pet

Saying I like sex is like saying that you like my website. But on a more serious note, we need to end violence. Violence is the #1 cause of all fighting and killing in North America. I personally eliminate violence from my life by letting all you fuckers kill each other and die off via Darwinism. If I see any of you Exco-wearing assholes slip and fall on ice, I will be the first one to run over to your girlfriend's house and molest her ass. I will wear a Trojan or four, since I know that retardation is indeed a communicable disease. Besides, who knows? Maybe those girls just need a shot of Vitamin v2 to come to their fucking senses. Fuck I hate those fucking trash people.

Disgusting and I hope they kill themselves

All I ever see on the news is kids killing other kids. And although this would make an excellent episode of 24, the violence has to end. Those boys are better off getting a jump-start to delivering pizzas for the rest of their lives and the girls are better off going to California to start their gangbang porn career. I'll watch it, but I won't endorse it. I will use a sock, but it won't be a clean one. At least not after I'm done.

Make more money

This year I will make the most money I have ever made. I will make that money, and I will flaunt it. I will drive a convertible to the ghettoes and watch cartoons on my in-dash DVD player while young children break their backs to deliver the free papers. I will use an entire tank of gas just idling in the driveway because I like the sound of the engine. Because I can. And when I'm going to the mall to buy more bling I'm going to pass you -  in gear two, of six. You will always drive your mom's car. I will always drive your mom. Ha.

Perfect for making Go references with your friends

I will personally make it my goal to make fun of people who make minimum wage. It keeps going up in Ontario, but I will make sure your self-esteem keeps going down.

Spread the good news

This year I have to take tommyv2.com to new levels. For instance, my oft-delayed book will for fucking SURE be finished this year. I have to add more audio and video to please my worthless wonderful fans. I will use more strikethrough jokes. I will show more pictures of my mysterious and celebrated life. More pictures of unrelated but wonderful things.

My cousin does wonderful things. Including having the balls to properly frame this shot

It is up to you, my loyal fans, to spam my site out to everything with a text box. Guerilla tactics may be employed for this cause. One great thing I do is go to random MSN Spaces or those fucking My Space fucking sites and sign a million guestbooks with praises of yours truly. I know it's unethical but so is not flushing the toilet at Starbucks. I hate Starbucks. They are full of new-age hippy lesbians and fags. I have nothing against gay people until they are fags and dykes at Starbucks. I'll add pissing between the urinals as a New Year's resolution. Oh yeah, yes, I did invent that. And for my most important New Year's resolution of all...

A New Throne for the King

I went to visit a friend at his new apartment. He has the greatest toilet ever. It is literally the Ferguson toiled that Al Bundy worships. First time I flushed it, my heart stopped. It was beautiful. It was significantly better than losing my virginity. It was even better than downshifting into second gear and making past tense of your shitty life. I need to buy one at any cost, even if it's around a hundred bucks. This thing is so good, in fact, that I had to film it. I wish this video could do it justice. Plug your computer into concert speakers, turn it up to 11, and play this clip. Baaa-wooosh! Grown men have been known to weep at its significance.

 

Once upon a time there was the Mona Lisa. Now there's this thing.  A toilet literally upgraded to version 2.0. And in 2006, the world makes sense.

I think that about completes my list for 2006. And not one mention of Teagan. Scary.