That's how I roll!
I think society has reached a whole new low. All this feel-good crap in the media is making people generally happier and more content with their lives. Some people are even developing strong self-esteem! Fack.
More and more I’m seeing healthier role models in the media. Why? I wish I knew. All this nonsense is leading to the worst possible thing – pride.
I know some people – as I’m sure you do too – and I love em dashes – that are starting to take real pride in their lifestyle. In fact, their “way of life” is starting to dictate how they do things on a regular basis. Here’s a non-related example of something completely different:
I visited a friend out of town. He lives near the top floor of a large apartment building. Adjacent to this building is a creek at the end of the parking lot, and there is a forest across this creek. To the untrained eye, it looks like a very small distance to the forest, but from ground level – em dash – it’s actually pretty far. My friend’s friend (I’ve already lost a few people there, I can feel it) said that I couldn’t throw an orange into the forest. He said it is an impossibility and ridiculous to even assume it could be done. In fact, 5 Canadian dollars said that it couldn’t be done. Uh-huh.
I used to play ball. I was even picked a few times at recess.
“The fuck I can’t get that into the forest,” Tom exclaimed.
They laughed, knowing it was impossible. I was dying to try this, but their constant concerns of me hitting a car in the parking lot with an orange were neigh inescapable.
“MY car isn’t out there, who fucking cares?” I question marked punctuation!
Needless to say, we all argued for minutes and I got so sick of this shit that I decided to throw this orange. Time stood still as I did my best 1992-1993 Blue Jays impression and threw the orange.
+ 
If you know me at all, you know how this story ends. The orange went so fucking far that it may have gone back to Florida. They were shocked. After much gloating I went to the bathroom to masturbate about my glory. I then came back and grabbed another orange. This one I threw even further, proving my Ken Griffey Jr. for Super Nintendo-like arm was no fluke. There wasn’t five bucks riding on this, but if I threw out any more oranges, I’d be using my winnings to buy new ones. Darn.
Back to previous thoughts.
We all have friends that do really weird, pointless, cult-like shit on a daily basis that makes us scratch our heads. When asked about this, here’s how they respond:
“That’s how I roll.”
Internet seach engine image search lets me down yet again
What the fuck is this? I just Internet-search-engined that, and there are a million entries. That’s how I roll, that’s how I roll – yeah, you just fucking roll all the time but you aren’t going anywhere. Unfuckingbelieveable. Next thing you know, they’re not just rolling, they’re “riding dirty.” I looked up all the definitions, but I found this one to stick in my mind best:
| Riding Dirty | ||
| V. Galavanting about the beautiful countryside while having feces residing in one's own undergarments. |
||
That just about sums things up.
Kids these days, they all hang out in groups. It’s fucking terrifying – I’m outside washing my car, this group of kids come up to me. Normally this is flattering, but now, fuck, there’s like seven of these dipshits. If I say the wrong thing, they’ll maul me and steal my car. Fortunately, that won’t happen. They won’t be riding dirty in my car because:
“Whoa, dude, FUCK! I can’t operate this fucking thing! There’s three pedals and I only got two feet! Someone sit on my lap or something, you fucking faggots.”
Thank God for ignorance. Then, of course, I’d kick all their fucking asses because I am the white ninja with a heart of a McFlurry. “Around the survivors a perimeter create!”
I guesstimate that 173 Star Wars nerds just got a small boner.
What is it about summer that brings out the fucking worst in people anyway? The worst are the knuckledraggers. You know who I’m talking about. Those asswipes who hang their left arm out the window of their car. Only your left arm is tanned, and it’s so lazy looking that it’s about to drag your knuckles on the ground – earning their name. Explain this to me – if your left arm is out the window, how the fuck are you holding the steering wheel? I sure as hell noticed you never use your fucking blinker. I’m not sure I could hold the steering wheel with my right arm. That’s crazy talk! And then how the fuck would you change gears while turning? How do you navigate through your mp3 library? How do you finger your cousin? Crazy talk. Next thing you know they’ll put places to hold your pop cans in the car.
Every time I see one of those fucking porch monkeys (it’s cool, I’m taking it back…) driving their 1995 Sunfire (Base model, usually green, with tinted windows) with the arm out the window I always want to sacrifice my car by running into them. Just pull up beside them at the exact same speed…then…railway fuck right into their car. Smush their puny girly-arms with my fine Japanese steel / Bondo. I’d easily replace a door to see that. I often fantasize about them nodding off and kissing a lamp post during their morning commute to work their telemarketing job.
Yes, I'm gonna put a picture of an accident
Yeah, I get it, you’re a fucking bum and your girlfriend is hot. Those fucktards always have hot girlfriends – but, like all things in life, that doesn’t last. Their girlfriends always wear the grey tank tops, with the pink or baby blue board shorts. They are always wearing a ponytail. You know what I’m talking about. They always have one choice freckle on their upper back, always just-barely exposed during the summer. And that’s all I can fucking look at. Yep, I get it – your girlfriend is hot and you think you’re John Cena.
You're not John Cena, seriously
Luckily your Sunfire proves you’re not, and eventually your girlfriend will get pregnant (with some other guy, because most of the time she’s drunk to get away from your work stories) and she won’t be so hot anymore. If you think I just accurately described you or someone you know, then I apologize on behalf of your existance. Seriously, you don’t have to wear a hat inside your car, you know that right? There’s only 3 reasons to wear a fucking hat:
1) You’re at the beach, and the UV is going to melt you fucking skull
2) You drive a convertible, and similar reason to above
3) You’re playing baseball, because that’s part of the uniform.
I went Cedar Point last month. It’s “the best theme park in the USA”. If you say so. I don’t visit America too often, as I am too tempted by their cheap gas and cheap food. Anyone who wonders why Americans are fat needs to look no further than the 5 for $5 deal at Arby’s. That same combo by my house would cost about $14. And thank god that it does.
So I went to Cedar Point last month. I hadn’t been to the States in a long time, so I forgot a few things. When I watch Jerry Springer, I laugh, knowing full well that these people cannot exist. Damn. They do. And they were all at Cedar Point. Every skinny redneck was with a fat heffer, always giggling. What’s so funny about waiting in line for 90 minutes to go down a rail track for 18 seconds? Ha.
For a similar effect, rub your eyes continuously
Then there’s the other thing. If this next part sounds racist, it’s because you’re racist. Where I live, there aren’t very many black people. When they are around, they’re normal people but they just happen to be black. In America, Cedar Point, specifically, they’re all thugs. They talk like the Wu-Tang Clan! Everything is “word is born, kid!” and “everything is everything nuff fo sho”. And here I was worshipping Wu-Tang for inventing their own language and BAM! All these dipshits sound like this. My lord. I couldn’t believe how long some of these sentences could be. Shit.
And for that matter, what’s all this shit you hear about black people being unemployed? 95% of every employee ANYWHERE was black. I saw more black people in one McDonalds than I’ve seen on the Nigerian Olympic team. Every employee was black, and every homeless person was white. It was rather entertaining. Don’t laugh, you’re racist.
Ahh, America, the land of the free. Free to be fucking ignorant, I assume. While at McDonalds drive-thru (that’s how they spell ‘through’ – they couldn’t spell it so they changed the word? My lord.) for breakfast, I ordered a “BLT Bagel” combo. I guess they don’t have these around there. There’s a vegetable on there, so they DQed it, obviously.
“Huh?”
“BLT Bagel combo.”
“What’s that?”
“BLT. You know, bacon, lettuce, tomato?”
Pause. “Uh, it’s breakfast sir. We don’t have those in the morning.”
YEAH, YOU DON’T HAVE IT DURING THE FUCKING DAY, EITHER. You, stupid, stupid dumb fuck. Here’s how an intelligent person would respond to someone ordering an item they’re not familiar with:
“Can I have a Chilli Whopper Jr. with sour cream and tuna?”
“I’m sorry sir, we do not serve that at this particular location.”
i'm loving it
All in all, though, I love America. I love your president, cheap gas and food. I would easily trade away my free healthcare for $0.99 McChickens. Oh yeah, by the way – those pieces of shit you call McChickens, we call those Jr. Chickens here. Call me bitter but I wasted a dollar on something I thought was the real deal and was fooled by your trickery, Ronald.
Oh yeah, and that no-daytime-running-lights on your cars thing – well that’s just retarded. Next off ramp off the I75 will take you straight to Bedrock, I’m guessing.
How did this turn into America bashing? No idea. I had to write all that slander to announce to the world that they got the McChicken all wrong. I knew they couldn’t make a real one for 99 cents.
I guess that’s how they roll. I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise.
