v2 does online dating
I have more hobbies than one person can write about online. Some of them are so interesting that you could only wish you could know what they are.
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Fishing – but if I catch something I have to beat it against the ground until it dies, then throw it back in the water
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Downloading current-run Hollywood movies just to change statistics
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Giving dogs triangles of Toblerone
Motherfuckin poisons in my
motherfuckin dog?
I guess that lamp only had three wishes.
One of my hobbies is to browse dating sites. For single guys, it’s a great way to meet a new girl or to find someone who buys their own condoms. Looking at guys’ profiles is a futile exercise, as men are generally desperate and will fuck anything that has (had) a pulse. I’ve been known to engage in sexual relationships with inanimate objects, but that’s enough about her for now. Women’s online dating profiles, on the other hand…well, I could probably write an article’s worth on that.
She’s hot and uses the Internet –
what could possibly go wrong? Let’s examine.
When an attractive girl makes an online profile, it throws up all sorts of red flags. (I prefer white flags because I love quitters). If you’re so attractive…why do you resort to the Internet? That’s easily the easiest rhetorical question ever posted on tommyv2.com. The answer – the flux capacitor!
Although not quite running at the 1.21 jiggerwatts needed, the human mind likes to look back but think forward. “Nobody wants to be lonely,” said Ricky Martin and to a lesser extent, Christina Aguilera. We all think about the future and we all want to have someone. So, for girls, why only go out and look for guys when they can just come to you? We all like to idly sit by and obtain fresh meat. I don’t objectify humans, I just hate vegans.
PERSONALITY PROFILE
Some of the things girls write in their profile are telltale signs of their winning ways. Winnerness, however, got underlined in red. Under personal stats, I found this one:
Do you do drugs?
Often (>3 times/week)
That’s great, really. The only good drugs to put on there that would interest me is Flunitrazepam. Now that’d truly be an interesting date. I’d have to watch my fucking Pepsi, though. Either way, a girl who puts that kind of information on there is bound to attract a certain type of guy. They will go on to accidentally breed retarded children who will ask for my change when I’m walking by. I will politely decline because I’m not rude to retards.
Writing about yourself can be a difficult experience. Not everyone is able
to project enough confidence to make a good impression. I personally get a
semi-stiffy for girls who are this eloquent:
About Me
not much to write in here... so yeaaaaaaa
talk if u have aynthing to say
+1 to awesome for a person who makes a spelling mistake in their profile. Worse, still, u is not even a word, it’s merely a type of driving maneuver. The whole profile is only a few paragraphs TOPS, and you get all the time in the world. Even sadder when they haven’t even shown it to a friend for review, or not even have said friend.
My favourite online dating profile of all time has this piece of magic on it. I’d date this girl based on her sheer comedic prowess alone.
About Me
I
LIKE TO **** AROUND ON MA MAN, IM DIRTY LOOKING FOR A GUY THAT WILL HAVE SEX
WITH ME CUZ I HAVE HIV positive. Im looking f with it too and i can be happy
with
First Date
make love
I should have never taught your sister how to use a computer anyway. Glad she’s making progress, though.
Sometimes people just lie in their profiles. Lying is pretty normal, but lying on the Internet – where every possible freak behaviour, look and fetish is normal and accepted – is just unnecessary.
BLATANT LIES IN PROFILES
Do you have children?
Prefer Not To Say
Then the pic:
I believe that’s called a lie. It’s pretty neat.
PICTURES
Speaking of pictures, that’s the deal-breaker. Not having a picture is downright sad because you’re too hideous, but easily topping that is a person who leaves personal messages for those with no pic. That’s like a blind date and your date turns out to be your opposite-sex DNA clone from the future and we have the makings of a great romantic comedy. It will play at the drive-in double feature with “Miss Congeniality III: Technically a loser”.
Girls put all sorts of pictures on there. The obligatory ones are:
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The overexposed pic of the girl while she’s dressed up
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The prerequisite picture of hanging at the bar with her girls with hands up and holding mixed drinks
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A picture of girls in some basement laying all over each other and laughing
Most pictures are, in fact, a good indication of what the person is really like. My online dating profile picture, for instance, finds me in bed with money all over the place and all sorts of Super Nintendo games scattered all over the place. Before you yell “NERD!” let me remind you that there’s a girl in my bed after I’ve had heterosexual intercourse with her and I beat her at Mario Kart*.
Girls, your choice of pictures is always so important. Here’s a picture of a girl that every guy would love to meet:
Good picture:
+2 to kickass. She’s cute, looks like she’d be a laugh riot, and shows a picture in a normal environment. A winner. Here’s one that’s not quite as nice:
Bad picture:
-3 for being a fucking slob, being pregnant in multiple directions, chugging Castrol 5w20, and liking Napoleon Dynamite – in the laundry room. Sorry, make that –thesymbolforinfinity for the NP thing. Napoleon Dynamite, NP, I shortened it. The only redeeming quality about this picture is that you can see her tattoo. Girls with tattoos put out. On the other hand, guys with tattoos put in. Nyuk nyuk.
<<<CAUTION>>>
GUYS! – watch out! If you see a picture of a girl’s face, just her face, and she’s absolutely stunning – that’s usually a bad sign. In that case, we use the slang term fat chick with a nice face. I can’t believe it caught on so quickly on the west coast.
LIES
I experience a
moment of sheer excitement when I stumble across a girl I knew back in high
school or whatever. The profile? All lies. And a lot of love! More
lies. (all eleven AD fans just shat themselves) (it’s pathetic that I
have to reference my reference. It’s a like writing an essay, except the
lack of suicidal tendencies) (parentheses)
In her lying slut profile she has:
Smoker?
No <
LIES! She smoked my friend’s pole
Body Type
Athletic
< LIES!
Buffet massacre is not a fucking sport
Religion
Non-Religious
< LIES! It
was a catholic school and you ate the Body of
Christ™
Rate My Picture
No
< LIES! 1,
bitch, a 1
Even better when you know that they’re now sad and lonely when they turned you down at the school dance. That never happened to me. Not in grade 7, 8 or 11.
I find that girls never really appreciated my online dating profiles. Clever parts like
Body Type
Fucking you in the ass bent over the hood of my mom’s car
just weren’t a sell for some girls. It’s a shame, really. In case you’re wondering, I’ve updated my profile to reflect that I have my own car now. Two, in fact, in case they have a friend who is willing to do the same but not using the same car. Some girls sure can be fickle.
Mr. Fett don’t need no stinkin’
online dating
But all in all, this online dating really does work. I’ve had my fair share of blind dates off the Internet. I’m going to dissect that on the next episode of v2FM, of course. You have to hear the gut-wrenching pain of my voice when I tell you stories that make June 4th at Tiananmen Square seem like getting a handjob from a stripper. I had a friend pay for that once.
So until next time, keep updating your profiles, girls. You’re safe until they add one more questionnaire category, anyway.
Do you have Chlamydia?
Prefer Not To Say
PS: I know it’s jigawatts, not jiggerwatts, you ignorant racialist pricks.
