Welcome to the era of the beta male
If you’ve been following my work over the years, you know that I’m a fair person. I’m honest, I speak my mind, I don’t take it easy on anyone. It’s pretty easy to figure out who (Adam Sandler) and what (Grey’s Anatomy, Friends) I hate. Today’s lesson in social engineering is about a group of people I hate with the passion of AIDS patients involved in an orgy:
Alpha males.
You are what you eat
To say that I hate them is a blanket statement. I would easily put them all under a blanket and throw grenades at them, but I digress. Oh yeah, I’d use fire ants too. I don’t so much hate the things they stand for as much as the people themselves. I believe in balance – a man needs to be strong, reliable, intelligent, brave – as well as being sensitive, analytical, patient and occasionally eat a fucking vegetable or three. On the flip side of an alpha male, you get what I call “fucking pussies and queertards.” I made that last word up, but what are they gonna do, tell their mom on me? Think their mom is gonna rolling pin my skull in? Unlikely. We can use the trendy name of “metrosexuals” but that’s far too specific. Metrosexuals are always well dressed, well groomed, and are usually pretty intelligent and financially responsible. These other pussies just plain aren’t good at anything. They can’t operate a wrench or a computer, and certainly couldn’t pleasure a girl. They can barely get themselves off, but that’s probably because they feel awkward sharing a bedroom with their mother.
Before we continue, let’s just verify that you’re a dude at all. There is only one question that needs to be answered to prove you’re a guy.
Q: Have you been to the auto wreckers yard with your dad?
- Yes I have. In fact, I was there a few months ago and I stole $7 worth of automotive fuses and relays even though I’m never going to use them
- I am not a man at all
Women go shopping, men go pillaging
Now, let’s look at the best type of man. The beta male. Don’t bother looking up the dictionary definition of beta male, it’s crap. It’s wrong. Webster doesn’t know everything. That goggle or whatever search engine knows even less. Beta means “2”, and I’ll be damned if the top of the browser doesn’t say Tommy v2! The beta male is the perfect balance. He is capable of anything and everything – nerdy and suave, handyman and gentleman, fighter and lover. He will eat an entire cow and the grass it’s been eating. He will raise the cow himself, and then cattle-prod its brains out and plant new animals in the garden. He will provide emotional support to his female friend, and then slip her best friend the upskirt fingers at the movie theatre. While it’s easy to speak of a great male specimen such as myself, it’s much more fun to verbally berate alpha males.
At the core of their human existence, alpha males are very insecure. They drive large and imposing vehicles to make up for their completely average penis, and they date very attractive, dumb women because they couldn’t let their “buddy” catch them with a girl whose main talents don’t involve bananas. They don’t like vegetables because “green isn’t a good type of meat!!!111 lololo 1111” and only drink rum & Coke because, well, I have no idea, that’s disgusting. I mean seriously, Coke! Yuck.
A real man's mixer drink
They’re usually in pretty good shape – but it’s not because they work out. It’s just genetic. (No fat guy can really be all that alpha male masculine with those luscious hairy breasts) You can easily spot alpha males from a mile away because they’re wearing a baseball hat backwards (it’s always a dark colour too), driving a truck/SUV/school bus and possibly wearing a wifebeater if it’s warm enough. You don’t often see them with girls, because the girls are at home vacuuming – otherwise they’ll get another five across the eyes. I remember back before the 2000s, an alpha male drove a sports car. It’s a shame that’s no longer true. Back then, when one of those tools had a crash, they were instantly killed. Now with the trucks and SUVs, they survive and kill everyone else. And I mean everyone. Buses full of orphans, organ donors, aliens, nuns, animals – they just kill everyone. It’s weird – they actually think they have a license to operate a 4500 lb cruise missile? You want to drive something manly? How about a train? It doesn’t get any more masculine than that. Grrr, add more power, Al! Look how manly I am! I can get a hernia all by myself! Some aspects of an alpha male are OK, but they’re really missing the big picture. They’ve left out all the aspects that make them a complete person. With their influence, they can even taint the tweeners, and that’s the worst. Why in god’s name would you want to be a fucking caveman? The best is when their ‘male pride’ makes them sick. They sit around all day hacking and coughing because they’re too manly to call it a day. It’s OK to be weak sometimes. We’re all human.
There’s this guy I went to school with. Interestingly enough, he became a hairdresser. That’s a perfectly respectable career, I give him props for doing something original like that. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but what’ll you know? You know what he drives? A ma-hu-ssive Dodge RAM 1500 pickup truck.
What you don't see is that there's an adult giraffe standing behind it
I don’t know if my non-North American readers can appreciate it, but that is one massive vehicle. It’s laughably huge. Take an ocean liner and put chrome wheels on it, and that’ll be a scale model. It’s cartoonishly huge. I’ve watched live concerts of Prozzak and Gorillaz that were less cartoony and ridiculous than the size of this truck. Now why would he buy such a thing? Is he not secure enough with his career that he has to scream “Look at me! I swear I’m a boy, I like trucks!” What’s the truck for, carrying hair supplies? I drive by that thing all the time, I swear he’s never even seen the back of that thing. He paid $45,000 for what is basically a giant wheelbarrow. With that kind of money he could’ve bought a BMW or something similar and *actually* impressed people. The only people he’s impressing now is any of the knuckle draggers in his neighborhood. “Duh wow, look at that, Billy! It’s like a school bus, but red! Wow! It’s much longer than the short bus we took to school, though.” If you’re out there reading this, I’m not impressed. I’m laughing at you. You cut girls’ hair but you feel a need to drive a small yacht. You are everything that’s wrong with this world. I hope your rare steak is fucking mad cow. Oh yeah, and his truck is automatic transmission, which is about the most pussy thing ever. Check it out ma, I can put it into ‘D’! That’s great. My dead, retarded grandmother could drive that thing –
err, ‘guide’ or ‘arrrrgh, set sail, matey!’ I suppose. All she’d need is a sword, puffy shirt, parrot, an eye patch and/or a website that’s totally jumped the shark.
So back to the beta male. I’ll be damned if I’m not the perfect example. I work on computers all day, and I can change my own brakes on my car. I drive a 5-speed manual transmission car with rear-wheel-drive, but it’s a legit hairdresser’s car. I can eat out a girl like it’s going out of style, and then tell her she stinks right to her face. I can cook a steak and eat it with my bare hands. I can start a fight and lose. I can watch Fight Club and Two Weeks Notice in the same sitting while eating chocolate mousse and beef jerky. I wear pink shirts with safety boots on. I can solder the circuit board of my blow dryer (ex-girlfriend) blow dyer. I can write a website and code the HTML, and I can honk at underage girls. I am fully secure with who and what I am, and I won’t wear a hat backwards to prove anything.
If you can connect metal with heat, you've come to the right website
So, beta males everywhere, let’s take a stand! Here’s to an era of a man who is complete in every way that counts. So guys out there, be a man today! Build something, then sell it. Break something, then fix it. Buy your girlfriend flowers, then tell her she’s getting fat. It’s for your own good. Beta males unite!
