The v2 Shit-List 2007
Every summer, I take the time to appreciate the finer things in life. This particular list, however, is not the finer things. They are fucking shit and you get to hear about it. Let’s not delay the inevitable!
Worst TV show of 2007:
I can't believe how fucking shitty this show is, still
Friends. Yep, I know it’s been cancelled for years. If it’s cancelled, get it the fuck off my television! Why must it be on 3 different channels 4 times a day? Chandler is the only funny character and he’s not funny at all. This show is about 20% worse than That 70s Show, and that show is horrible. Over the years I’ve said some really rude things about Friends, and here’s one more for your collection: It’s fucking terrible and I hope they all get killed by El Nino.
Worst band of 2007:
I can't make a caption angry enough
…and possibly the entire history of mankind: Maroon 5. I take back everything I’ve ever said about Outkast, Maroon 5 is the worst fucking shit I’ve heard in ages. That music that’s 60% too lackadaisical, like someone’s not pushing the keyboard hard enough, you know what I’m talking about? I haven’t hated pop music this much since the last Savage Garden album. Oh, and just so we’re clear, Outkast sucks.
Worst fashion trend of 2007:
Some things just baffle me, like challenges
Girls with stretch pants worn under their miniskirts. How am I supposed to finger you in the movie theatre when you’re wearing a glorified diaphragm over the lower half of your body? Godamnit all straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I’m gonna start carrying scissors with me from now on. Not to cut your stretch pants, but to murder you.
Worst surprise of 2007:
That's fucking hilarious
The fact that I don’t hate the iPhone. It’s actually pretty neat. I’m never going to get one because:
- I listen to music only in my car, and I have a CD player
- It’s too big to be a cell phone
- I have no friends and no one’s gonna call me anyway
Worst movie of 2007:
I wish it was 2006 so I could say “Lady in the Water.” This year, my vote goes to renting Lady in the Water on DVD and hating it just as much. It’s fucking terrible. One of the Top 5 worst movies I’ve ever seen, and I’ve accidentally watched gay trucker porn before. Four times.
Worst video game of 2007:
Can’t answer that one. Still playing Resident Evil 4. Every time I finish it, it comes out on another system. Can’t stop playing. The Super Mario Bros. 3 of the new generation. If you haven’t played it start-to-finish yet, what the fuck are you waiting for?
Worst idea of 2007:
Buying a Mac. Don’t buy a Mac. Why would you buy a Mac? Don’t buy a Mac. Its logo is an apple that’s been bitten. It’s a fucking used, saliva drenched apple. Disgusting.
Worst celebrity of 2007:
Like I say to my friends..."grow a pair!"
It’s still Paris Hilton. Multi-millionaire and still no breast implants? Can you see me shaking my head? I am. Grow some tits, slut.
Worst job of 2007:
This one time, at BK camp...
Back in March, I went to the bathroom at Burger King. I had some serious issues in there. I was in there for a good 25 minutes, and my thighs went numb from my elbows pressing on them while I was wincing. With that being said, worst job of 2007: That kid that had to clean that stall.
Worst website of 2007:
Any of those “Help me get 1 million hits so that my girlfriend will ___________” sites. They make me sick. I was going to make one of those websites and say “I’m going to not masturbate for 365 days in a row!” and get millions of hits while my real website gets only 12 hits a month. Just so we’re clear, I was going to whack off and lie about it and get the hits anyway. I presently own the world record with 93 days, and I’m never going to do that again. Never. Ever. Don’t dare try to beat that, it’s not worth discussing even. That world record where the guy held his arm in the air for 17 years and his arm fell off? More reasonable than not whacking off. Don’t try it.
Worst car of 2007:
While technically not a car, my vote is on the new city buses. That fucking turbo diesel engine is so loud that I can’t hear my keyboard click since yesterday’s pass. I’m fortunate enough to live across from a bus stop, so 48 times a day my car alarms go off and my windows open themselves. It’s so loud that I can hear them right now, and I’m writing this from out of town. They’re so loud that if a girl was with me in bed and one drove by, no one could hear her scream. That doesn’t sound all that clever until you realize that we weren’t having sex. Ahem.
Worst personal moment of 2007:
Going to America and going to Taco Bell, only to find out that American Taco Bells do not serve Fries Supreme. I’m sorry, that is unacceptable. I’ve been sexually abused and found that to be more reasonable than this moment of sheer panic.
Worst travel experience of 2007:
Definitely not worth the drive, trust me
Going to Detroit, going to 8 Mile, only to find out that it’s only a little better than 7 Mile, and slightly worse than 9 Mile.
Worst dating moment of 2007:
Having to choose between having hot sex and watching WWE Raw from a week ago. You ever try to have sex while listening to wrestling play-by-play commentary? It’s hilarious. If that’s my worst dating moment then I’m doing something right in life.
Worst tommyv2.com moment of 2007:
Announcing my retirement, only to instantly get 10 emails saying, “Thank god. I’ve been checking your page every hour in the hopes that you haven’t updated it.” Fuck you guys!
Worst camping experience of 2007:
Sitting by the camp fire, only to see a wild fox running at me. “I will use you to browse the fucking Internet, I will!” I was fairly scared, but I lived to tell the story. To be fair, I fed him sausage soaked in kerosene. Eat that, Bambi!
Worst friendship experience of 2007:
Checking out a friend’s cell phone, only to find out that he had Bluetoothed over a gigabyte of porn videos to it. My phone has 5MB of space. We haven’t spoken since.
Worst moment of being a Canadian in 2007:
Going to Arby’s in America and seeing their ‘5 items for $5’ deal. Damn you, one nation under god! Why must my country be so expensive?
Worst concert experience of 2007:
Went to see Gwen Stefani. I know, I know, shut up. It was so fucking loud that I couldn’t hear the new city buses outside. I quickly ran to the bathroom to stick toilet paper in my ears as make-shift earplugs, since I forgot my concert ear plugs at home. Naturally, I made them too small and one got stuck in my fucking ear. Still not the worst part. Bringing a date with long, sharp fingernails that volunteers to get said toilet paper out of your ear canal? You got it. Fuck. I can still hear me singing “Cha cha cha…Charmin!” while bleeding from my skull.
Worst dream of 2007:
Dreamt that I tried to have sex with a guy, then it turned out that it was actually a hot girl. Then I woke up. The worst part is questioning whether I knew it was a girl in the first place (and that’s why I made a move), or did me watching She’s The Man do more to me than I care to admit? Fuck you Amanda Bynes and your boyish good looks, fuck you.
I would fuck her so hard that my postal code would change
Well, this concludes my shit list for 2007. I know it’s only August, but you know what? It can’t possibly be worse than it’s been already. I swear I like girls.
