American Idol ruined television like Starbucks ruined coffee
…but first, let’s deal with that Starbucks fiasco.
People of today, let me tell you about something that we had many moons ago. It may seem like a foreign concept, but please put down your waxed cups with the cardboard sleeves and try to follow along.
Once upon a time, there was this thing called a “coffee.” I remember my first experience with coffee. I was in grade 6, and I was a track & field star. It was the day of the city-wide meet and I was nervous. I had done previous meets, and I had done well. In all fairness, without sounding like tooting my own horn, I was a fucking champion. Today’s meet, however, was different. I needed to kick more ass than usual. Today was about powering up like Goku. I needed an edge. Today I would drink a “coffee” for the first time. I decided to add the powerful effect of caffeine to my repertoire. So it’s true what they say about star athletes using performance-enhancing drugs…
Of course, when you’re young, you’re stupid. What’s the chemical half-life of caffeine? 3 hours for an adult? Naturally I decided that a cup would last me all day up until my events, 4-7 hours later. Yes, I admit, I wasn’t that clever as a kid. I made myself a cup just as I watched my dad make it millions of times.
Then I took my first drink.
It was fucking terrible. The bitter taste twisted my face. It was worse than eating ice cream freshly made at Chernobyl Farms. I kept adding spoons of sugar until it became drinkable. After 6 spoons I gave up, having realized that it’s fucking terrible and I’ll have none of that. I seem to recall eating and drinking things for two reasons; One was sustenance, the second was good taste. Coffee did neither of these things. That’s my story. Let me assure you that if I felt the need to write about coffee, something special must’ve happened for us to get to this point.
Living in Canada, it’s all about Tim Horton’s, our famous national coffee place. I don’t see what the attraction is, as millions of Canadians are ‘addicted’ to the coffee there. Caffeine is a dangerous, addictive neurotoxin, but I can’t imagine the average person knows or cares about that. They’re too busy driving their pick-up truck and honking at underage girls who are secretly enjoying it. Note to self – this doesn’t work as well in a convertible by a red light. Those bitches will come and throw something at you, and it might be some sort of venereal disease in its incubation phase. Nevertheless, Tim Horton’s never worried me because no young person actually cared or went there. Girls only went there for hot chocolate and guys only went there for Boston cream donuts.
The real Canadian Idol
In 1999, while watching Fight Club, I hear the narrator mention “Planet Starbucks.” I didn’t quite understand it, so I did some research. It was a famous coffee place from “America,” this country that mine is attached to. There weren’t any Starbucks in my city, so I didn’t care. It was the calm before the storm. It was like War of the Worlds, except this was important.
Our first Starbucks was opened inside a national bookstore called Chapters. It looked pretty cool, and it smelled great. (Coffee smells great and tastes awful, like a dirty whore) I never bought anything or cared, as the girls who worked there were either too attractive or the guys too fruity. I saw lineups! I began thinking, “What in god’s name am I witnessing? People drive across the city to a bookstore to buy a coffee? Are these the same people who send each other tropical fish through the mail system?”
I continued to ignore Starbucks until about 2002. I was in college, and I was eavesdropping on the conversation in front of me.
“Fuck, I want a coffee.”
“Yeah, good thing we’re 38 meters from a Timmys!” [we were in the middle of nowhere]
“Fuck Timmys. I’m gonna go get Starbucks.”
“That’s on the other end of the city.”
“Yeah but it’s Starbucks…”
My curiosity was piqued. Isn’t all coffee terrible? Isn’t it all varying degrees of tragedy? Isn’t it like jerking off with wet sandpaper? This guy went to get his coffee. He came back 40 minutes later. “That was totally worth it,” he said. I shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes. (I was practicing being a bitchy girl.)
You won't catch me out here, no sir
I continued to ignore Starbucks some more. One fateful day, I went out with my then-girlfriend to this Starbucks. She claimed it was awesome, and if it was half as good as she sucked dick, who was I to argue? I decided to go with her, if only to humour her. She ordered something called a “Tazo Chai” tea. She called it “grande” or something. I was not aware that I was at Taco Bell, but whatever. I kept looking at the menu. What the fuck is this thing?
Is it just me, or is this in fucking Japanese? It's not.
Why is the menu larger than any restaurant? Why is everything so expensive? Why is most of it in some make-up language? What the fuck was a mocha chocoa lizard tail twist venti hippopatumus assrapist skinny double double lowfat with pumpkin spice with whipped cream? Why are the straws so fat? This is ridiculous.
“What can I get for you?” the girl asked. She was hot. I love girls wearing aprons. Aprons make me hard. I love a girl reeking of servitude.
“What do you have here, Coke or Pepsi?”
“Coke.”
“I’ll take a water, thanks.”
“Oh. What size?”
“The free one.”
I watched my date have her drink ‘made.’ I use the word made in a way of disgust, like you made droppings on the toilet. Did that crazy bitch just put a blender into her cup? Are those plastic tubes full of powder? Is that milk - in a tea? Jesus H. Christ, I think my contact lenses just became tighter. I drank my water and she offered me her “Tazo Chai” tea. I wish I could put quotations around everything because Starbucks is fucking nuts. I took a sip.
“How do you like it?”
“It tastes like a fucking pumpkin pie, except it’s gross and I don’t like it. How much did you pay for that culinary abortion?”
“Just under four dollars.”
“My dear lord. For that money I could’ve bought my dad condoms and not existed to feel this moment.”
Since then, every girl I’ve ever met has forced me to endure the pain of watching them drink a grande Tazo Chai with whipped cream, chocolate dustings, ABS brakes and tilt-adjustable steering wheel, XM radio optional, as part of the leather and moonroof package. Every time I’m there I’m forced to order something ordinary just so I don’t break the bank or my self esteem.
“Hot chocolate, please.”
“Would you like whipped cream or sprinkles on that?”
“Would you like me to fuck you in the ass from the missionary position?”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“Hey! Get that fucking blender away from my hot chocolate, bitch! Seriously, what’s wrong with you people?”
Starbucks has made having their cups a fashion statement. All the trendy hotties carry two things – some asshole’s baby in their uterus and a Starbucks cup. Shit, you don’t even need an iPod or KRZR anymore. Microsoft Word underlines iPod as a mistake and it puts a smile on my face.
What kills me is the entire Starbucks experience. You have geeky “new age” metrosexuals sitting at their table using their laptops to download child porn. What else would you use free public wireless Internet for? Homework? Not these guys. Never trust a guy with a $300 jacket and $18 headphones. You have homely Asian girls sitting there rubbing themselves to pictures of Tuxedo Mask on their Hello Kittyed Apple iBooks. You have fat old guys reading the financial section of the newspaper. You’re old, fat, and don’t have any stocks. You’re there to Bluetooth said Tuxedo Mask pictures onto your iWhatever - I’m onto you.
So fuck Starbucks, that pretentious nonsense. If you want a coffee with raisins, go get one. If you want a tea with motor oil and sprinkles, go get one. To charge a hard-working college girl $4 for a cup of corporate semen is a crime. I won’t have any of it. I don’t work hard, I make lots of money and I’m not a girl, and I wouldn’t piss on Starbucks to put out a fire.
As I drink a delicious tea made by me, I ponder my next move. Queen to bishop, C3, something chess terminology (Blade Runner is awesome!) to throw you off guard. You know what else throws me off guard? American fucking Idol.
American Idol
American Idol had its premiere as a show called Making the Band back in 1999. It featured people that could sing well and had no other talents. My then-girlfriend was really into it because she liked garbage on TV like Law & Order and all-girl porn. Anyway, having people audition to sing on television was a stupid idea. It was done before (and better) with shows like Wheel of Fortune and The Brady Bunch. Survivor invented “reality TV” and it was a very good show. The television network executives instantly had light bulbs go off in their heads.
“People want to watch real people on television. Although that doesn’t matter, the key is to get the girls watching. Guys watch any old thing, girls have to watch something special. Let’s cater to women by making terrible shows about things that don’t matter, like singing, dancing, skating or dating. They will watch these shows – which cost nothing to produce – and other excellent shows can get cancelled to make room for more of this shit.”
It was a very bright bulb. I can use my mom as a perfect example of who the network execs are targeting. Tell me what the following have in common – and think hard. She’s only been to the movies twice in her entire life – Titanic and Passion of the Christ. The only television shows she’s EVER watched are The Bachelor/ette, Skating with Celebrities, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol and The Young & The Restless. That’s it. I’m not shitting you. What do these have in common? They were all tailored for women to destroy real shows and all of television. (I confess that Y&R’s Victor Newman is the king pimp and he was in Titanic as well. I didn’t know he was that old.)
Let’s explore American Idol a little more. Here we have a show that shames people for not being the best singer. There’s a British asshole (who can’t sing) and some other two fucks for support. They say rude and discouraging things to help someone get better at singing. Sounds great, right? Wrong. This is stupid. Watching someone sing is embarrassing and makes me feel a little fruity. They took the worst part of a Disney movie and made it into real life. When Family Guy or Simpsons breaks into a song, I hang my head in shame. Fuck I hate singing. More importantly, it’s not funny. Dancing, singing and monkeys are not funny, ever.
I get it, you disagree to make for 'good television'
American Idol is proof of how shallow society is. The first winner of American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, is the only successful winner. Do you know why? Because she’s hot. The other winners are blah and they will never be popular. Kelly’s made a real career for herself since then with sound business decisions, but only because she was hot in the first place. By watching American Idol you are either promoting shallowness or proving that everything’s a popularity contest. It shows that people with real talent will always struggle because television has condemned their lives for being average looking. At work we had an engineer unexpectedly go to a Korean knock-off of American Idol. Now he’s famous and gets mad pussy, but who’s going to program these industrial robot controllers? Selfish fuck. You gave up robots for girls? What kind of man does that?
I would pay money to have sex with her
American Idol is the most popular and most-watched television show in North America. The fact that more people watch American Idol than 24 BY A FACTOR OF 3 is downright disgusting. If they weren’t both on FOX on different days, I’d be shitting my pants. Now, the problem is that the people who watch AI have grown to watch programs like it – in large numbers. They’re making shit up just to have shows about it. Dancing with Lesbian Singers on Ice is just around the corner, and guess which show will be on the chopping block to make that space? Any of them.
Let me put this into context for you. Arrested Development, possibly the greatest show ever made, was cancelled early to make room for Skating with Celebrities. How can that be? I understand that A.D. wasn’t very popular and was being cancelled anyway, but to put it out to pasture very early so some fucking couch potato can watch Tanya Harding’s ex-landlord figure skate is just plain ignorant. Where’s that show now? Fuck knows. A.D., however is lamented by millions of people, myself included. I would use a celebrity figure skate to kill those Fox executives. Hey asshole, you cancelled Family Guy, Arrested Development and now The O.C.? What’s next, House? If those exec fuckers have shares in Starbucks too, I’m going to use dull hockey skates. Stop cancelling long-term quality shows with a solid fanbase for these pieces of shit that make no difference to the world. I don’t give three shits about Clay Aiken – and guess what? He didn’t win anyway.
We're all missing out thanks to you, fucking American Idol
If you’re a hardcore American Idol fan, I need some of my favourite shows back. We’ll see how well you sing after I kick you in the fucking cash & prizes.
