Do not pass go, do not collect $200
As summer rolls on, I find myself occasionally leaving the house. At first, it seems like a lot of fun. I’m out there, checking out biznatches and eating Chinese food, giving backwards-hat-wearers the finger and their girlfriends two fingers (three if they’re a freak). It doesn’t take long before I end up seeing and hearing something that upsets me to the very core of my existence.
To be fair, I’m a strange person. I’m not one to judge someone for being ‘weird’ but I totally judge those that make such a massive attempt to be ‘normal.’ One thing that absolutely bothers me is those people with hobbies and interests – what a colossal waste of fucking time. Pardon my French.
You can always overdo something. Always.
I’m a firm believer that life’s too short to spend it on doing pointless things. It’s nice to have things you’re interested in, but only if they don’t take up much time and don’t involve other people. Case in point, I know a guy that likes to go swimming. Swimming, what the fuck is that? That’s a survival skill, not a hobby. I can swim, as in, I won’t drown if water started filling up the park. Why in god’s name would you replicate such a horrifying experience on purpose? And possibly PAY to do it? He likes swimming so much that he actively books life around it. Scary. I shower once a day and drink green tea, that’s as close to swimming as you’ll see me getting.
Swim in that, asshole
Another example: I used to hang out with a girl what was a martial arts master. She was black belt this, black belt that, black belt nothing when I fucking picked her up and slammed her on the floor. What was all that training and money for when I owned her with one move? She was never the same after that, especially not her self esteem. Martial arts training consists of two qualities:
- Watching Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles to learn the moves
- Pain tolerance (to keep fighting when someone knocks your face in)
- Guts, aka stupidity
Ninja or not, I would still bring the wood - I used to jizz about her before I even had jizz. Weird.
I’m not very good at #2. I don’t WANT to get hurt, I don’t like pain, so I avoid violence. Martial arts masters are good at that, but luckily I am extra good at #1 and #3 so I kick all their asses.
One hobby that I’ve never been able to understand is collecting. You have all the baseball cards, huh? No, you don’t. You never will. Quit now, save your money. I used to collect baseball cards myself when I was a kid, then the fucking Blue Jays stopped winning World Series. Assholes. I jinxed it.
Some annoying hobbies are harmless, like reading. You know those people that are always reading a new book? They bring books to inappropriate places like rock concerts and orgies. You know who I’m talking about. Luckily, reading is free. Should you choose to, you never have to buy a book in your life. This doesn’t make those people any less annoying, though. They never read anything good, they’re forever reading some recommendations they see in the newspaper. Don’t get me started on people who read the newspaper. IT LEAVES INK ON YOUR FINGERS. That is all. Awful.
All that paper and no pr0no mags - WTFuck!
Hobbies are all-around misunderstood. When you put in your hobbies into personal ads, MySpace (fuck off), job applications, resumes, Facebook (double fuck off), whatever, the things you list there aren’t fucking hobbies. You never see some of the shit people put in there?
List your hobbies:
“Listening to music.” <-- that’s not a hobby, asswipe
“Video editing.” <-- putting your porn onto a playlist is not video editing, and it’s not a hobby
“Skiing.” <-- bullshit, you went twice last year
“Swimming.” <-- I wish you’d drown
“Cooking.” <-- being a woman is not a hobby
“Hiking.” <-- walking against gravity is counter-productive
“I’m fucking stupid.” <-- Yes.
Sometimes I like to shame myself
It’s worse when these things are ingrained into a child’s life without their choice. How many kids you heard of that do useless things like play soccer or football? As kids it seems to be OK, but as they age they keep doing things to fill their time. Next thing you know, they’re doing weird shit like going to the gym or support groups. They never learn to appreciate the value of free time, downtime, relaxation. A friend once asked me, “How the hell do you have so much free time?” referring to my endless amount of free time during which I do so little that noble gases get jealous. It’s because my brain has been finely tuned to enjoy relaxation. Rumor has it that my heart rate hasn’t been above 70bpm in nearly 16 years.
I’m very hypocritical, though, because I have hobbies too. I love working on my cars. It’s disgusting how much money I spend on trying to save $4 a week on gas. I’m a perfectionist, and I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It makes for a very expensive combination when dealing with something as complex as a car. I don’t gap my spark plugs, I buy new ones. I don’t buy winter tires, I buy a winter car (and then winter tires for that.) I change my transmission fluid so I can feel every cubic millimeter of gear commingling with each other on command. I don’t clean my windows, I just roll them down because they’ll never be cleaner than that. It never ends. All this because my parents bought me fucking Lego when I was a kid. Thanks, assholes. When I’m building a giant wall, you’d better believe that not a single brick was the wrong colour. If I didn’t have one, I’d beat up the class bully to go shoplift me some.
Now that I’ve destroyed any credibility my article had, let’s get back to talking down to people. One thing that really bothers me is when people try to make money from their hobbies. Being in Canada, I’ve had to deal with dozens of little kids that think they’re going to be the next big NHL hockey player. Only, what, 1% of them ever make it? Think about it kids, if 99% of you fucking quit, 100% of you will make it to the NHL. That’s why I’m Tommy v2 and you’re a nobody. Ditto on girls who are into gymnastics. You sacrifice your body, education, money, time just to MAYBE do 2 jumps in front of the whole world, one time? What a waste of fucking time. Enjoy spending the rest of your life with knee problems because the Ukrainian girl beat you with her eyes closed. It’s not like Olympic athletes make any sort of real money anyway. Tommy Lee made $70 million from fucking some blonde on camera. Sure makes your waking up at 4am to ice skate six times a week seem fucking pointless, huh? It is. It really is.
Break your leg and get molested by some old perv? That's a two-fer!
I’m not advocating laziness. I’m advocating proper time management. Instead of playing that game of tennis, call up your friends and go destroy something beautiful. Instead of reading that book, watch the movie. Instead of walking your dog, eat a hot dog. With all that free time you’ll have, you can get another job, sleep, or read my website. You’ll be a better, smarter, more relaxed person without all those meaningless distractions anyway. You heard it here first.
