Tommy v2 upgrades America
In a complete impulse moment, I decided to go to Washington, DC, America - the capitol of the free world. I'm not one for traveling, but I am a sucker for a good road trip. With only a couple of credit cards in hand and some third-rate yahoogle mapquest or some shit, we set out to see what the fuss is all about. It's sad to leave Canada even for a minute, but America has a few advantages that I must make note of:
1) cheap(er) gas
2) cheap beer
3) cheap food
4)...umm...the gas costs less
Before we set out on our trip, we pre-energized ourselves in Niagara Falls, Canada (the good side). Had to make a stop at Tim Horton's. I hate coffee, but I needed to taste "good coffee" before I went back to the dark ages to America - not to mention the remaining 8 hours of night driving left and the caffeine it will require. Who the fuck starts a road trip at 11pm? We do. That's how we roll.
A true Canadian icon...and a Tim Horton's cup.
Next thing we needed to do to make sure we were true Americans was to acquire some 'mad gun skillz.' I felt a little left out being non-violent and not carrying a gun in my underwear (well, besides that missile I got in there already) so I went to the Niagara Midway to practice my aim.
No, I wasn't willing to pay a dollar to take a legitimate picture
With my sniper aim improved, we moved onto the handgun training. From what the media has told me, every grandma has a handgun in America, so I need to 'blast that bitch.' How else am I supposed to 'snatch purses' and 'earn paper'?
I felt a little like Jack Bauer/John McClane/Rambo/grandma
We crossed the border into Buffalo, New York. The border guard was awfully rude, especially when I said, "we're not bringing anything in. Just don't open the trunk, I'm very particular about this stereo system and I don't want any of you white trash motherfuckers fucking up my decibel mojo." As soon as we got past the spike belts, everything became darker, colder. We made it, we were in America! My phone suddenly beeped and gave me a delightful message - must've been Canadian.
Yes, my camera can take pictures in the dark like this...can yours?
Well the phone made it official...but then like...what the fuck is this triangle? Is the CIA spying on me? Does Chloe have the GPS satellite tracking me? Has Milo rerouted this protocol to his screen on a secure socket? I felt like Big Brother was watching me, except my brother actually lives in Toronto and was probably sleeping.
Cingular? Craziness! What's next, Verizon? (I know Verizon isn't GSM, +10 nerd points if you know W.T.Fuck I'm talking about)
We then stopped at McDonald's. This was McDonald's stop 1 of 377. Some people do drugs to destroy their body, I was forced to eat this shit. (cue v2FM coffee story at this point.)
The food always looks better in pictures
I left my wonderful apple pie for the end. That was a poor choice, because this fucker was nuclear. It fought gravity very well considering its price and commercial availability. It didn't taste that bad, considering all the fucking cardboard I had to eat with it.
The fat, Caucasian version of the smoke monster from Lost
We continued to roll through the countryside which was actually really beautiful. Pardon me for using such a fruity word, We saw some land. It was mostly green.
"...and the star-spangled Internet superstar's banner on top of the page..." (it's supposed to be a song, assholes)
Yet another McDonald's stop. This time I was forced to eat their breakfast shit. I had fucking Shrek-branded chocolate milk (a fucking travesty) and 'hot cakes.' At this point I've never felt sicker in my life and wanted to die. This will be a recurring theme. I've never had McDonald's do me wrong, but so far I was 2 for 2. We scoured the town - wherever the fuck we were - for some Pepto Bismol and continued. Ever mixed a quarter bottle Pepto with a McDonald's vanilla shake? Try it sometime. That's how they make their strawberry shake anyhow.
Gas, food and wide roads - as American as apple pie
In a simple case of "follow the fucking sign, tools" we continued. The street/road signs are much better in the US than Canada. No joke will follow this statement, especially not the one about Americans being stupid and needing simple directions.
Previously on Lost...
For the first time in my life, I saw mountains. It seems so fucking wasteful to have hills when you could have giant parking lots and amusement parks. Skiing - well, I've skied before, but that's just mostly holding onto the metal rope that drags you up the hill. I've never bothered to go back down because I haven't learned how to stop. Yet. Even better is being in my first tunnel...
It's sad, it's nerdy...it's v2 at his finest
I took this picture for the sole purpose of dissing my ex-girlfriend. Priceless. Eat it you fat whore.
American highways (they call them freeways...isn't that funny? You have to pay to use them every 50 miles...) are really nice. I'm used to driving on The 401, the busiest highway in the entire world on a daily basis, so this was a joy. Every once in a while I would duck my head down to avoid 'drive-by shootings' since I heard about it on an American rap song. I wasn't carrying a 'gat' but I was 'packing heat' - the McDonald's breakfast trying to peck its way out of my body in a sea of Shrek milk. *insert barf emoticon here*
Motel 6...9. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
The motel we finally got to wasn't the worst I've been in. The people working there, however, were. They picked a perfect time to do renovations. That jack hammering beside our room when I need medical-grade sleep - thanks assholes. This Bud's for you.
My first hotel mod was to overclock the shower head (liquid cooled, even). I'm used to a violent spray akin to a LaserWash 4000, and this fucking 'gentle mist' shit wasn't going to cut it for my showering needs. I made like Mario Bros. and did my own plumbing.
Why buy a map when you can steal the phone book?
With some horrible sleep, we were ready to explore Washington DC...
