Tommy v2 upgrades America (page 2)
With only a phonebook map in hand, we set out to explore Washington DC. Luckily, everything was clearly marked and labeled for terrorist use. My friend's joke of pulling up to a national guard guy and screaming "I need the GPS coordinates of the White Hose uploaded to my PDA, quickly!" in a German accent never got old. It was funny at the border, and it's funny now. In all likelihood it will be funny tomorrow.
This is how the aliens from Independence Day figured it out
We followed some arrows and go nowhere. It's hard to focus after the sweet lullaby of the construction equipment threw you some ZZZs.
Oh here we go...oh...wait...WHAT? Previously on Lost...
Basically we just drove around and decided that we'd start bright and early tomorrow. Today was a write-off so we drove around some more. We accidentally made it to the Pentagon. We have public libraries here in Canada that are more impressive looking - and they have something in common too - no plane ever crashed into our library. Ha. It's funny how TV conditions you to think everything is so top-secret and classified, and here we are - two Canadians driving beside THE FUCKING PENTAGON, and our trunk was never searched. Ever. We didn't have any W.M.D.s, but what if we had thousands of fluorescent orange flyers we were going to distribute via wind? What then? It was amazing to see it anyway. The fucking Pentagon is huge. Massive. Large. Pretty big. Decent size. Master bedroom. Laundry room.
No civilians are allowed inside the premises, thanks to a $8.75-a-day parking rate. No one's gonna pay that.
I don't quite remember what happened next. I think I was hallucinating from Shrek chocolate milk from the morning. I don't fucking know. Why get milk from dairy cows when you get it from computer-generated animated green ogres? Fuck me.
Ha, they knew I was in the house!
Temporary until what, the fire goes out...?
As night hit, we went to a legitimate but shady black liquor store. I wasn't afraid of black gang bangers with Benzes and BMWs thanks my experience with rap music back in the early 90s. I used all my thugonomics and tricknology and bought myself some Miller High Life. That's good shit. I simply couldn't believe how cheap it was. $6.99 for a 12-pack. That's insane. It's a harsh $18.50 for the same stuff back home. Naturally, we have much better beer in Canada but it's not like I drink the good stuff anyway.
We watched 24 - in America! - on FOX! - while drinking beer! - exclamation! - and went to sleep. The following day would be very hectic, so it needed to start off bright and early. I passed out went to sleep and the morning came...
Har, har!
The next day started like shit - literally - as I was gang-raped by a McDonald's breakfast. I finally tried that crap they call "Hi-C" which is a type or orange pop, err...soda. Why do they gotta make things so complicated over there? In Canada, our orange pop is unbranded because no company would ever want their name on that shit.
And you wonder why the landfills are full. This is insane!
We went to the store. I picked up the new Linkin Park album (which sucks) and picked up a few other things (all horrible). We were trying to get some Canadian money exchanged for American, but apparently this is unusual in because American banks don't have money to give out. Weird. I don't want to blame 9/11 but...
Kid, put down that fruit or vegetable! Drink this fucking diet soda instead!
Not recommended for children? Good luck marketing that. A kid won't try more than one piece anyway, it takes like drain cleaner mixed with regret
The Americans have erected quite a big one
After spending some time looking for sunscreen in the blackest neighborhood in Maryland, we finally arrived downtown Washington DC. The Washington monument was pretty impressive, considering it's a giant concrete spike. I felt very patriotic for a second, like I was in a Michael Bay movie, sans explosions.
The DVD cover of Die Hard or Die Eventually
The World War exhibit was pretty good. Apparently I offended some kid and his mother with this next clip. It's amazing what some people take seriously. On the bright side, at least he knew something. Can't say the same for the average call center employee.
This entire exhibit glorifies violence. Why do people celebrate war? It's something you should be ashamed of. I don't mean to disrespect military personnel, but wouldn't it be better if you just had an office job or something? I'm not against a street fight here and there, but dropping a nuclear bomb on the country that brought you Sailor Moon...jeez. Some people have no tact.
I simply couldn't find Ontario as one of the states...weird...
Despite what I originally thought, the weather in Maryland was different than back home. I mean, just 10 hours away I was playing with my polar bear, repainting my igloo, and fucking my snowmanslut and now I was sweating my ass off, covered in greasy sunscreen. Oh wait - as I write this there are people walking around my neighborhood dying of heat stroke and dehydration. Global warming is awesome. Keep it coming! I'm off to burn some styrofoam and drive non-hybrid cars...
