Tommy v2 upgrades America (page 3)
We then made our way to the Lincoln Memorial, not to be confused with the pop-nu-metal band of a different name. It was just like it was in Forrest Gump, without a guy running around screaming "coon! coon!" It's so surreal to be somewhere that you've only ever seen in movies and television. I can't explain the feeling, but it's as if you've finally pulled off that threesome with twin sisters and no one cares. All right, it's nothing like that but now I have a good image in my head. Mmm...Olsen twins. I'll take the one that does cocaine, because girls with low self-esteem are so good in bed. So good.
No wonder they can't catch Osama - horses, fer chrissake
That is a motherfucker of a walk if you're an Internet nerd like I am. I was feeling pain in muscles I've forgotten I've owned, mainly the legs and neck. It looks really far until you start walking to it, then it seems to be beside Alpha Centauri. I was full of 7 pounds of McDonald's birth-control at this point to make things harder. Next time I bring rollerblades. Before that, I will learn how to rollerblade. I'm going to buy another car.
I use the same picture to send to my poor relatives to say I was in Greece
Thank god for sunscreen. American sun must be hotter because of the military spending, because it was brutal. Why do people go south for vacations? Isn't it cheaper to get a furnace or air conditioner? People are weird.
$200 Nikes Free 4.0s, and there's a guy in a chair
So the actual Lincoln chair exhibit was pretty huge in person...it felt like I was worshipping a false idol or something. Pictures don't do it justice. It's creepy. It feels biblical and powerful. I was seriously considering adding another location to my "spanked the monkey list" but the sheer amount of old people were really turning me off. It's hard to get wood when all you hear is "what button do I press to make it zoom?"
On our way out, I was floored by a No.1 Stunner of a girl. She too, was biblical in nature. Whoever you are, feel creeped out because I got a picture and video of you and I will worship your body until you get old or get a better-paying job than me.
Damn. I'd fuck her mom just to get closer to her DNA
Sometimes my cleverness astounds myself
We finally arrived at our location! The freakin' White House! It is amazing to see it so close up and not be shot at. I felt like I was Jack Ryan just going for another day on the job. Jack Bauer. Jack off. Apparently the secret service didn't appreciate my BB gun in each hand pointing at the windows, but they knew that I was Tommy v2 and fucked off. I may not be political, but I am the king of the Internet. Sorry to say suckers, but the Internet is bigger than America.
Within tennis ball throwing range!
All I could picture is jumping over the gates and practicing my putting. I'd even use a Nike ball and everything. That's a hell of a lawn. If you claim to have seen nicer, feel free to send it to the president and make him feel shame - more than he already feels, that is.
I didn't bother talking to the hippies outside the White House gates. They scared me. All these signs about the Iraq War and shit, I was like, "Dude, that was 1991! There hasn't been a new war since then! You are drunk on mouthwash and you're imagining shit. The only war going on is on your bastard son's Playstation." All of a sudden this crowd started coming at me, but luckily my Nike Free 4.0s were better than their hemp sandals so I made a clean getaway.
Sniper on the roof - big deal. I got a pebble, bitches
I always wondered how cars got to the White House...
After that, we got the fuck outta there. All that fancy government stuff was downgrading me. The Canadian government buildings double as a mall, with all of the fancy security that brings. We're talking stoned $9-per-hour contract security guards here. Luckily, no one hates our leader. In fact, I don't even know what he looks like. If the Canadian Prime Minister came to my house to discuss matters, I'd ask him where my fucking mail is and send him on his way.
We walked around a bit downtown. I caught this little gem of a photo-op for all the nerds out there.
McDonald's effect - day 3
I'm glad there can be an RD-D2 mailbox 100 meters away from the White House and no one finds that strange. Anyone? Anyone? Amazing.
We then went to Georgetown University. That was pretty good, too. Any school that has a Taco Bell and KFC inside has my thumbs up. I couldn't believe how fucking cheap parking is in America. We literally paid $2 to park as long as we wanted on the honor system. Back here it's $9.50 to even drive past a school. Nuts.
All I can think of is the American Pie lacrosse scene for some reason
It was interesting to go to a big school like that. I never lived the university in fear of becoming a commoner, but it was nice to see other people do it. Seeing girls suntanning on the lawn was nothing short of a revelation. I was going to add another place to the "spank the monkey" list, but most girls don't want that in their face anyhow. Some do, but probably not these ones.
Take my word for it, they were fucking magnificent pieces of meat good looking girls
I'd say something bad about the school, but I can't. It was awesome. I actually looked like a good place to get an education - up until the aliens come back to blow up more places in Washington. Fuck you, Will Smith.
We left Georgetown University and took one last tour of the area before we went back to the great white north - no racism intended or implied. Just to satisfy our geekness, we went to the fucking CIA like it was a theme park. Apparently you can't just go in, but I bet the parking is cheaper than Canada's Wonderland.
Hmm... *insert Bush joke here*
Yeah, the fucking CIA. Just like that. And no one's checked the trunk yet.
We went to go visit some rich neighborhoods just for kicks. It must be so amazing to have real money. I get excited because I earn 2.5 GB of good RAM in a day's pay, but some of these people must be straight ballers. Maybe one day if I ever become rich...well I'll leave that up to my fans. If fucking Clay Aikin can be a millionaire, I should be able to earn $50K a year for being myself. Fucking Clay Aikin. I'd stab that motherfucker in the elbow with a bottle opener.
Best. Housenumber. Evar.
After that the trip was over. We went back to Canada as fast as humanly possible. 10 hours of pure nightmare driving in the rain and hallucinating from lack of sleep and Rockstars. I'd take pictures for you, but the flash would've killed us both. When you're seeing flying dragons and dogs and you're afraid to breathe, a sudden white flash might stop your heart.
Finally we arrived in Canada. The border guard was Asian, so who knows what sort of Counterstrike or Starcraft skillz he possessed. As soon as we crossed the border, it started snowing. Yes, in the middle of summer. Why not, right? How else are we supposed to play hockey and hang out with the Moose? Oh, and keep our beer cold, of course.
Photo chosen to accentuate Canadian stereotypes. At least when we got girls suntanning you know they've got hard nipples
It was finally good to be back to civilization. I was getting sick of all that sun, green grass and happy people. I need to go back to the Internet where I belong - where the router and modem are my political leaders and there are no toll booths! And no fucking McDonald's! Now, excuse me while I ooze out Shrek chocolate milk for the next 36 hours...
I'd show you a picture of what it's actually like outside, but it's too hot and there's no Hi-C soda to chill me out
So, until next time, when Tommy v2 takes on...
...New York City!
