A Convenient, Upgraded Truth
Let’s cut right to the chase – you fucking hippies need to put some explosives into your peace pipe. Every day I’m bombarded by the same old shit – liberal, environmental, tree-hugging hippy bullshit. It’s amazing – ever since that Inconvenient Truth movie came out, you’ve all gone insane. I’m not going to discuss global warming here, because I couldn't care less whether I get a sunburn in 20 minutes or 17 minutes. Too stupid to put on sunscreen? Can’t help you. Old people can’t breathe properly while wandering the streets? Perfect. It’s your fault, not mine. You can make all the movies you want, nothing’s going to help that most of you are so fucking sheep-like. I’ll say this:
I fucked Bill Nye's daughter, deal with it
In grade 1-4 in elementary school, they taught us all about the environment. I learned my lesson. I don’t litter, don’t have an oil well in my backyard, and I drive a reasonably fuel-efficient and clean car. I conserve water and power because I’m fucking cheap, not because I’ve been brainwashed by the government. I need to you close your eyes and read this article with an open mind. Although I cannot provide the power of DVD for you, I’m going to do you one better. On that note, shut up and listen.
There’s nothing I hate more than fly-by-night people who take in whatever the front page of CNN tells them to take in. 10 years ago, we didn’t have many of the problems we have today. It’s hard to imagine that in the 1 million+ years this planet’s been here, we’ve fucked it up in the last 10 years. That’s because it didn’t happen. The only environmental problem that’s occurred is inside your fucking heads. Let me explain:
You’re all fucking hippies. You Starbucks/YouTube/Google/Prius/Books/Sparkling Soda assholes are driving me nuts. Everything becomes hip once everyone knows how fucking special you are, doesn’t it? Let’s take the Toyota Prius for example. From being just another hybrid car to being a political statement about how super you are. It emits next to no pollution at all, and it’s great on gas. Isn’t that great? Wouldn’t you like to have one? You could’ve had one 15 years ago. They’ve been making clean, small fuel-efficient cars for well over 15 years now. While technology has improved and the Prius is better than all of those, that’s technology’s fault. Why didn’t you care back then? The same girl who laughed at you would for driving a Geo Metro or Toyota Echo now wants to suck you off because your boss’ boss drives a Prius.
Pussy magnet if you want some loose hippy bitches
That makes you mindless and a true follower. (Don’t even get me started on those people who buy a hybrid to ‘save money on gas.’ You’re going to spend an extra $8000 to save $400 of gas a year on your 3-year lease? Ahem. Idiots.) You don’t care about the fucking planet, you want people to think you do. “It’s hip to be green,” they say. It’s hip to not be a fucking hippy. Socks and sandals, anyone? I need all of you die politely.
I have a background in science from The University of Upgrade. I have a PhD in common sense and I have a Masters in thinking for myself. I even owned a microscope at one point (if only to look at my own sperms after masturbating to episodes of Care Bears). Some of the things discussed here are beyond science – they are beyond fucking common sense. Let’s take the issue with the gasoline/oil/fuel whatever. They keep making new technology that uses alternate sources of power, such as solar, wind, imagination, and silly. Why on Earth (get it?! Fuck I’m witty) would you spend billions of dollars on developing other ways of running a car when you have gasoline? It’s a non-renewable resource – once we run out – we’re out. That’s the point. Let’s fucking use it up. It’s there, let’s take it all. Conserving it will only let people control it more. There is no such thing as supply and demand with gas – it’s there or it’s not. If the world’s gas supply ran out tomorrow, you’d better believe that there’d be 5 different ways to make power within a month. That’s awesome. You don’t think the oil nations would love to sell you some solar panels? You bet. Spending billions on something we don’t need is the way of the world and it’s fucking ridiculous. I’m going to spend every dollar I’ve ever earned fixing a problem that doesn’t exist – yet. Sounds dumb, right? It is. All this talk is all made up to drive the price of gas up so the corporations can make zillions. There’s plenty of gas. There’s an unlimited supply until we run out. Let me say that again: There is an unlimited supply until we run out. There is no more gas or less gas, it’s either there or it’s not. Deal with it. Don’t believe the hype.
It wouldn't hurt to make a few non-Arayan ones, would it?
Next idea bothers me even more. Trees and or paper. Do you know where paper comes from, kids? Trees. You know where those trees come from? Paper farms. That’s right. They have entire farms where all they ever grow is big trees for paper. After they cut them down, they replant them all. Yes it takes years, but it’s renewable. They alternate sites and there’s an unlimited supply. THEY GROW MORE TREES ASSHOLES. As for cutting down the rain forest, that’s not my problem. Those are undeveloped nations that have shit for brains. Don’t confuse tree farms for idiots blowing away rain forest. It’s not the same thing. I’m sick of using grey, recycled paper with bits of pink eraser dust in them because you’re confused about the rain forest. In my life, I’ve planted about 10 trees. I’ve cut down zero. You can all do the same. If 8 of my trees help make a stack of textbooks for school, so be it. I’ll plant 10 more. You’ll spend your paper making huge posters about the state of the rain forest. I love when hippies talk shit about the trees when they read it all in the morning paper. Morning PAPER. Idiots. Fucking hypocrites. I read all my news online and save the paper for my toilet duties.
As for paper recycling, that’s a horrible idea. Paper is biodegradable, so we can leave it alone and it’ll go away pretty fast. The only thing you should recycle are glass bottles and metal cans. Those are easy to do and makes a lot of sense for the environment. If you saw how they recycle paper it’d make you vomit. All those crazy chemicals to make sure your glossy, colourful Domino’s Pizza flyers get turned into bright-white quilted paper towels would make you think twice. If you saw the sludge that comes out of the chemical waste pumps, you’d want your own tree farm. Don’t believe the hype and do your own research. Don’t let them guilt you into all this bullshit. Don’t waste paper, but don’t be ignorant of how it got to your house, either. Think before you jerk off about your blue bin you hippy fuck. Reduce, reuse, recycle, retarded.
Speaking of toilet, the next section is what bothers me most. Water. I’ve provided this diagram to help you understand how water works. I was presented this idea when I was in grade 2 – let’s hope you’re smart enough now to understand the sheer complexity of it all.
Diagram A: All you need to know about water
As you can see, ‘water’ evaporates into the sky into these big things called ‘clouds.’ Eventually the clouds get too dense and heavy and this water (a type of liquid, chemical compound H2O Source: Wikipedia) comes back down to the ground as something called ‘rain.’ This rain then goes back into the water (of which the planet is mostly made up of - Source: my dad) and the cycle repeats itself. The law of physics states that matter cannot be created or destroyed, so please tell me how the fuck you created a garden hose that destroys the laws of physics?
You cannot WASTE water. Refer to diagram A. You merely temporarily change where it’s residing. Whether it’s in your garden or in the lake, it’s going to go back up and come down again. You can’t change that, pal. You can’t destroy it. You can’t ruin it. If you choose to pollute it, that’s hardly about the water. Whether you pour your automotive coolant sludge into 2 gallons or 20 gallons of water doesn’t change anything. The water will evaporate back up and the coolant will not. You’re always just polluting the ground in a way. That’s not good, but that’s not about the water. That just makes you an asshole. It’s gotten really out of control I find. On our street, there are certain days (usually alternating days/even or odd house numbers) that you’re allowed to use water outdoors. Now why is that? I pay for my water just fine. I use more, I pay more. You can use that profit to make bigger clouds or something. God forbid I have a fire at my house on the 27th of June.
Don't bother assholes, it's Wednesday
I guess I’m fucked. It’s my fault, though, since my car is full of gasoline and my books are full of paper. Did you ever have anyone present this to you in this way? If you haven’t, you’ve been sheltered. Wake up and smell the regret.
And lastly, let me conclude with this problem. Electricity. I’m all for giant windmills and solar collection farms. Just between me and you, I invented the windmill made out of solar panels. You heard it here first. I think more ways to get electricity is a good thing. I’m not completely sold on Nuclear power yet (being a survivor of the Chernobyl incident of 1986, you can’t blame me), but I guess it can’t be that bad. If it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me. Where I live, we use the power of Niagara Falls (the world’s largest waterfall until Africa made their own to compete) to get our electricity. The power of the water current spins a giant turbine (or twelve) and we get power from it. I'd draw you a diagram but I can't draw shit that doesn't make sense to me.
Place #177 where not to take your new camera (the image filename is for the ladies)
Whose idea was it to make Niagara Falls in Canada, anyway?
I understand there is a limit to how much power Niagara Falls can make, but let’s not pretend like it’s bad for the environment or the workers or some shit. You need to understand that electricity is not a tangible thing. You cannot touch it, it doesn’t take up room. People do not do back-breaking work to make sure it gets to your house. If we use more than we make, there’s a problem. However, that’s our fault. The fact that you have your air conditioner set to 18 degrees 24/7 even when you’re on vacation because you’re a pussy is your fault. You don’t let you kids go outside because the sun will kill them, so they stay inside blow-drying their hair with an 1800-watt hair dryer for 32 minutes…your fault. I’ve been using those compact fluorescent light bulbs since 1998. Not because they are good for the environment, but because they look cool, don’t get hot, use less energy, and last nearly forever. No green, glossy pamphlet was needed to make me buy them. I’m not a mindless follower like you are. I do my research and put it into action all before you fucking wake up in the morning. I don’t drink my coffee in a paper cup – I don’t even drink it in a mug. I don’t drink coffee at all because I don’t see the need to support useless countries that cut down their rain forests and don’t feed their children. Fuck them all. Oh and I hate coffee, it tastes like shit. Small detail. I was kidding about the not feeding kids thing, too – I don’t care about the children. I kill millions of potential children every day thanks to my smut downloads. You don’t feed yours, I wash mine off my hands, whatever. Anyway, back to hippies.
Doing pilates and watching Shrek 3 with the kids (not pictured)
My favourite part is that most of those energy-conscious hippies are the ones that have huge houses full of 150-watt outdoor spotlights, decorative garden lanterns, electronic house number lights. Go inside and you’ll find 73 night lights, 3 refrigerators, LCD picture frames, giant projection TVs. Go outside again to see their hot tubs, heated pools…get my point? Hypocrisy is a bitch, isn’t it? Actions speak louder than pamphlets, assholes. Just because the media told you that being “green” is good doesn’t mean you know a thing about it. Just take a minute and realize that you’re being manipulated to think the world’s going to hell. It’s not. But you should.
