Ladies and gentlemen, the bar has just been lowered
Here’s the scenario:
We are terrible people.
Here’s reality:
We’re worse.
Today’s society is truly crumbling. We’ve come to accept mediocrity as a form of complimentation. Yes, that’s now a word – you’ll accept it because you’ll accept anything new. What’s happened to truly amazing things? What happened to hating things with a passion? We’re starting to lump shit together and it’s starting to affect us all. Here’s my Internet Crayola, I’m going to draw you a picture right on your forehead. It’s worthwhile, seeing as you spend all that time in the mirror anyhow.
Let’s start with a common example. I’m at a restaurant, and I’m getting tragic service. I order a Pepsi with no goddamn ice, they bring me a Pepsi with some goddamn ice. My meal is over and undercooked, burned and frozen. The server is slow, forgetful, and smells like a wet turnip. My date, also very much unimpressed, eats her miserable food.
Neighborhood? Fuck it, I'm moving
When it comes time to pay, I throw down the gauntlet. My date puts out a fat cash tip as part of the payment. “Why you being so generous?” I ask.
“I’m not! The service was shitty. They’re only getting a 14% tip. Assholes.”
“But great service gets them a full 15% tip?”
“Yeah.”
“So awesome service is worth 1% more money?”
“No, bad service is worth 1% less money.”
“Ah.”
That’s fucked up right there. What have we done? Crap service should come with a crap tip. Next to zero. I have no sympathy for servers – I understand that you make your money only from tips. I also understand that you have bills to pay. Guess what? I hate you. My server where I go regularly makes $65,000 a year. Why? Because she’s blonde, has a big ass, and flirts with dirty old men. She spends her money on bullshit, drugs and is financially irresponsible. It makes me physically ill. Who deserves that kind of money? Not her. No server. What sort of message is that sending to people? “Don’t go to school, kids, since a university degree won’t get you more money than waiting tables.” Why do hot bartender chicks get to make a hundred grand a year, mostly tax-free? Criminal. Garbage. Once in a while I go eat somewhere and I get superior service. My own mother couldn’t have served me better. And guess what? I can’t tip much more anyway, since there’s a rule for these things. We’ve become so accustomed to tipping as a habit, and not as a compliment to someone’s work ethic. No one tips me at work – when I’m risking my ass bobbing and weaving between welding robots shooting plasma at each other, no one does anything for me. I don’t make anywhere near what an attractive Applebees waitress makes. Insane. If I sound jealous, it’s because I am. We need to reward quality work, not just paying someone for showing up.
Is it wrong for a stripper to make less?
What makes things more interesting is when it starts to spill over into other aspects of our lives. Let’s look at the concert or performance scene. People give most acts a standing ovation just for playing. Now…were they exceptional? Are you sure? Now what do you do for a performance that was just stunning? Do you clap harder? Jump up and down? Exactly. You’ve learned to praise the mediocre or standard. You’ve inadvertently lumped in the decent with the exceptional. That’s not fair to either party. It’s amazing how many people use ignorance to further this phenomenon. Why do people buy lousy American cars? Because they always have, and that’s all they know. They have learned to accept mediocre point-A-to-point-B machines as ‘cars.’ They have no idea how good it can get. They never bother to look for something else, or try something new. The Europeans understand how a car can be a beautiful machine and a lifestyle tool. Once in a while, some American company will produce a competent machine (Chrysler 300C, Cadillac CTS) that is on par with some foreign makes, and it’s time for fucking awards in every direction. That’s logical. Let’s reward copycat tactics and ignore innovation. I guess that Tickle-Me-Elmo comes in blue now, too.
I’m a big tea drinker. I am a tea drinking machine and whore. I will sell my own brother for a box of the good stuff. When I see someone buy a box of Tetley or Red Rose, I cringe. No wonder Americans don’t like tea much – they’re only exposed to junk. They see the commercial or printing on the box “The world’s best cup of tea!” Allow me to raise the BS flag right there. If it says it’s the best, it’s probably not. At $2 a box, you don’t have much to lose besides your $2. If you really believe that your local gas station is giving you the best tea on the planet, you might as well eBay yourself a brand new noose. Ditto for coffee – whatever you’ve had, I bet it doesn’t compare to Pedro down in some Hawaiian village, who grows and roasts his own beans, and served in water filtered by volcanic rocks and heated by convex lenses and sunlight. If your Starbucks coffee is a 10, you need to reorganize your scale, pal.
Tim Horton's outsourcing already?
The problem gets deeper when you throw in ambivalence to the mix. A 10 starts becoming an 8 and a 4 becomes a 6 real fast. We’re doing that so much lately with our television and music. How in the blue hell does a show like Grey’s Anatomy get such rave reviews? It’s a cheap, soulless knock-off of Scrubs. Don’t get me wrong – I hate Scrubs. That’s just a cheap version of Doogie Howser MD meets Saved by the Bell. Nonetheless, everyone’s making that show out to be something it’s not. It’s not that good, folks. Don’t fall for our dwindling standards!
Scrubs with white uniforms? Weird.
Video game reviews – ditto. So many rave reviews just out of politeness. If the rating system states that a 6 is an AVERAGE game, why are giving out so many 8s? Are most games better than average? Doesn’t that make them the average? My head hurts. Why did so many people claim that Children of Men was the greatest movie ever committed to film – have they not figured out that movies about the future are inherently stupid? (after Blade Runner, there is no point in trying). Was the cinematography stunning and mind-altering – have you ever seen a David Fincher or Stanley Kubrick movie? I guess not. Don’t get me wrong – I am not an elitist snob. I think there’s lots of amazing things coming out an a daily basis, but I just want to call a spade a spade. Don’t be drinking the Kool-Aid because it’s the polite thing to do.
I saw it before when it was called recess
Let’s see…what else have we done? Our society has lowered the bar so far when it comes to every aspect of our appearance. Thanks to…umm…stupidity?...we’ve found excuses for having these low standards. For example, now in America, it’s fashionable for a girl to have a big ass. What the hell is that all about? Nothing like seeing a girl with a nice cottage cheese ass. It’s SO sexy, right? Like, oh my god, I’m gonna spank it to her! I don’t want to see no big ass, nor ‘thighs’ to match. It’s called obesity, don’t give a cool new name to distract people from a health concern. Ever so slowly we’re starting to accept people’s laziness as a form of style. Additionally, a girl previously rated as a solid 7 is now a 9.5. “OMG dude, she is SMOKING hot!111!!” when she’s really just…beautiful. I swear I’ve seen my friends rate hot girls on the same level as uber-hot skankateers. Cut it out guys, she’s not that good. That’s why we have the demeaning girl-rating system – let’s use it correctly! Back when I was young, a girl had to be thin, blonde, big boobs and easy to be ‘hot.’ Now all a girl needs is a tattoo on her spine and ‘attitude’ – whatever that is. It’s so quantifiable that my Excel spreadsheets are getting jealous. We gotta raise some standards, because then even when a girl fails to be a star, she’s still amongst the heavens. Yep, that was the most cliché and pathetic thing I’ve ever, ever written. I’ll give a solid 6 on the pathetic and cliché scale.
I want to destroy CJ Parker's ass Life used to be so simple then
Let’s try to really appreciate quality. Let’s give credit where credit’s due. It’s disgusting when people paint everything with the same brush without using a bit of discretion. Tip well, or don’t tip at all. Drive a great car, or just walk. Do your best, or fuck off. Life’s too short to compromise on everything for the sake of your laziness. We need to return to the idea of praising greatness, and shunning mediocrity. Why do we have to live in a world where everything’s so average or ‘functional’? So here’s a toast to the finer things in life, and a kick in the ass for everything else.
