There must be a glitch in the matrix

 

 

I figured that I’ve been gone long enough that everyone’s forgotten about me. That’s a good thing. I can finally get back to writing whatever I want, instead of giving into the pressure of writing about what my fanmails want me to write about. (Took care of that problem too, I don’t get fanmail anymore. You need fans for that.) Due to my time off, I have experienced a moment of clarity. I come up with some truly amazing things between my daily sessions of doing sit-ups and doing lines of coke off my German import white-label Ashlee Simpson vinyls. I do bench press, too.

One of the best things about falling into recluse is how much focus you can give any one activity. Video games I thought were impossible as a kid now fall into the same difficulty range as pushing mentally retarded kids on ice stakes down. Instead of using Google, now I just say “fuck I know this.” It’s amazing. Until I start to think about everyone else, of course…

If all of the rest of this sounds random, please try to follow along. Place a toiler paper tube on each eye to emulate the type of tunnel vision I have.

YouTube v2. (Charmin on the left, Cottonelle on the right, FYI)

Top 5 Stripper Songs – request these songs when a stripper or slutty girlfriend will dance for you
5) Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
4) Toxic – Britney Spears
3) How Many Licks? – Sisqo &. Lil Kim
2) My Humps – Black Eyed Peas
1) Buttons – Pussycat Dolls

I like my girls to be 16...AWG

Speaking of music, slow but surely I’ve been writing material for my debut hip hop album, Ivoryonics. (ebonics…ivoryonics…get it?) I’m going with an old-school 80s feel where everything has to rhyme, whether or not it makes any sense, with a liberal dose of nerdcore terminology. Here’s a small sample of the magic that is hip hop, upgraded.

It's still a ghetto blaster because I live in the ghetto

{ to the music of a slowed down version of Peaches’ Two Guys (For Every Girl) }

I beat Bowser back in 8-4, past the bridge and went through that door
Reminded me of your girl Julie, that level 1-1 easy whore
The technique is all fucking skill and no trick…
***brief pause and clicking noises***
My rhyme style’s so sick I make flash memory skip
Life!!!

Maybe there’ll be a use for that iTunes after all, huh? Wait until you see the girls in my music videos. Ever seen a girl straddle a model 1 Sega Genesis? You will. You haven’t even seen what a naughty girl can do with a Zapper yet. I gotta stop giving you all my good ideas, fuckers.

ZOMG HAWT!!!111
The owner subject of this original photograph can come deal with me directly, ya dig? I STOLE YOUR PICTURE

This is about the paragraph where I mention how much I hate Friends and Maroon 5. Keep that in mind.

I don’t entirely believe in coincidences, but more in pure destiny. Last night I got a wrong number call on my cell phone in the middle of the night. It was some hot-sounding girl at a bar. I mean, seriously now – 1 million possible phone numbers in this area code and she calls my cell phone. Someone wanted to get upgraded in the most random way, you feel me? I was going to call her back this morning and ask her if it was as good for her as it was for me. I didn’t, though, because I was too busy repeatedly clicking on “Send/Receive” and not getting any emails. Things are looking up, though, because just a few days ago I received a hot stock tip in my email and it’s going to explode on the NASDAQ. If I never write another article it’s because I’m now a multi-millionaire and don’t need your love or support.

Another thing I don’t believe in is talent. Talent is such a mysterious term these days, and is all-too-easily confused with skill. Let’s take soccer moms for example. They’ve been replaced with moms who take their girls to figure skating and dancing lessons. That part is fine, it’s just the conditions that aren’t fine. I’m sorry, but WHO IN THE BLUE FUCK performs anything better at 5 in the morning? I can barely blink in sequence that time of day, let alone balance my self on razor blade shoes. The chalk it up to “dedication” and “discipline” but I chalk it up to fucking stupid. Back when I was a track star back in school, I was the king of the short sprints, long jump, and hurdles. You know how I practiced? I didn’t. It was talent. I just had a natural ability to do those things. I didn’t wake up early, do pushups, have team practice, and my parents weren’t even aware I could walk quickly. I was just awesome. I had a friend who was a piano prodigy. He didn’t sit there and practice all day, he was just kicking ass. He was kicked out of piano school after a few days because he was better than the teacher. He wrote his own music, he could note-match any tune you played him within a few minutes. Talent. He didn’t practice at 5 am, because he was still up playing Actraiser. Talent.

I really don’t believe in charity either. This is where I write some whimsical example, but I’ll save the space and say go to hell and you’re not getting my money.

They say that smell is the sense most closely connected to your memory. I all-encompassingly agree with that because every time I go to KFC and smell it, it reminds me of eating the chicken.

I hate fads, and Christmas time is a perfect time to notice them. I remember last year it was the Nintendo Wii, and the year before that it was the Xbox 360. You know what I was doing in 2005? Playing Guitar Hero, THIS year’s fad. Why are people so fucking slow to catch on to new ideas? I played Guitar Hero years and years ago (in 2001, actually) when it was called Guitar Freaks, and before that when it was called Tetris. Don't even get me started on Rock Band, which is just a culmination of every Japanese Bemani game series, with a disgusting dose of ugly Americana.

Yeah, in Japan back in 1998. Go fuck yourselves, you're trendy

More accurately, I was playing rhythm games back when they came out – Parappa the Rapper and Bust-A-Groove, Frequency, whatever. I hope you’re proud of your plastic guitar and how it represents the end of the proper video game. Fucking fads. I now see old people and small children playing video games, and that’s WRONG. I hope both of them die in the exact same way.

It’s nearly Christmas, and they say that giving is better than receiving. That’s why I love being a guy, because I love giving it to your girlfriend. That’s one gift box I unwrapped opened early.

I find that television doesn't ruin your imagination, but fucks up your ability to discern television with reality. All day long I’ll watch CSI, Dexter, The Shield and Jamaican music videos. Then, I go to check the mail and I’ll find snow everywhere. I actually get visually upset and surprised that there’s snow in Miami, LA or wherever the fuck I was just 3 minutes ago. Dexter gets to wear that cool blue short sleeved shirt and I have to scrape ice off my car and it’s bullshit. It’s false advertising and I’m glad I illegally downloaded them bought the DVDs and watched them in my private residence, making sure not to perform public performances which would break copyright laws, created by INTEROL in Stockholm, Sweden, on September 8, 1977.

28 minutes and 13 seconds remaining in my download, assholes. I love puppies and rainbows, both legally obtained and registered. I want to give face to Jesse Jane.

Right after Christmas, or X-Mas, or XXX-Mas Vol. 42: The Gift that Keeps on Cumming (as per my download queue) comes New Years. With that, comes New Years Resolutions. I’ve been writing my site long enough to have written a few already, and since they didn’t follow through we’ll ignore them. I have a few new ones which I will share with all 17 of you (most of which reside in either South Africa or New Zealand, apparently).

-I will better protect the environment by pissing in the creek directly, therefore bypassing the evil sewage plants. Take that, Dawson
-I will recycle more often. I will occasionally post an old article and you’ll read about halfway through it before you realize you were conned
-I will work out more often. By doing so, I’ll be able to listen to my old 2 Unlimited CDs
-I will totally ignore that there’s a frozen, dead cat buried in my back yard and focus on more positive things like the fact that he’s dead
-I will be kinder to my friends
-I will make new friends
-I will finally fucking finish my book
-I will go to the bookstore for something other than magazines
-I will stop flirting with retail cashiers (buying Magnum condoms and giggling, etc)
-I will go visit more of the world, to coincide with my “places I’ve whacked off list” from New Years Resolutions 1992.
-I will still not watch Robocop 3.

On that note, it’s time to get back to doing nothing. Remember, it’s not a comeback if you were never on top of anything. Mmm, plowing Jesse Jane.

Plowing, like a 4x4 truck with a deadline

Merry Christmas and all that commercial bullshit. Don’t buy Guitar Hero III, Rock Band, an iPod, a Mac, a Wii, Transformers on HD-DVD, anything at Arby’s, tampons for your mom, used socks, anything at Subway, etc.