Treat 'em ruff and you’ll get the muff

 

 

 

In case my awesome linguistic skills (puns, variations in spelling aka tricknology) confuse you, let me respell the title so you can comprehend it.

Treat them rough and you will get the muff.

Muff, you see, that’s a euphemism for vagina, which is the part of a woman’s body that controls a man’s actions. I looked it up on Wikipedia, which is often accurate, especially about historic matters when it’s written by angry survivors.

Let’s get back to the muff then, shall we?

Muff, and its adjoining parts

Unless you live in a cave (with Fred Flintstone’s cousin and Osama) you know by now that many girls love bad boys. While they don’t actually like the bad things they do, it’s the things that go along with their reckless abandon that makes them so damn appealing. The confidence, the spontaneity, the excitement, the way they laugh at every joke in every comedy, ever. While I do not need to psychoanalyze what makes this possible, I’ll break it down for you in a matter that even a girl could understand.

Girls are dumb.

Even if men mathematically have a lower average IQ (which I don’t believe for a second), women are much more naïve and gullible. When every action they make is based on emotion and hormones, it’s hard not to be impulsive and irrational. I’m somewhat of an expert on women because I’ve been inside several and our DNA has commingled. Sometimes our DNA became downright harmonious. Sometimes it takes me a while to get all that DNA off my face, and during that time it is when I learn something via a process I lovingly call vaginal osmosis.

If there was ever an article for pointless pics of skankasaurs...

At the core root of our existence, we all seek to complete each other. A weak woman needs a protector, someone who can put her on cruise control and own her like a trinket. A weak man needs a woman who can bring him emotional strength, and make him feel better than he really is, at the expense of lightening his wallet. Opposites attract to some degree, especially when both parties are strongly defective in their core values.

Me, being an extrovert beta male with too much free time, require a woman who is quiet, grounded, and docile. By virtue I find myself attracted to girls with my personality type, but that quickly turns to shit. Ever seen two obnoxious, egocentric extroverts having sex? There’s something ostensibly wrong with calling out your own name and looking for a mirror. Too many chiefs and no Indians makes for a lousy fuck and a worse life. However, men never let the theory of opposites get out of hand. No shy nerd guy is going to let some girl smack him around, at least not twice. I don’t even let girls bite my dick, certainly not twice. Braces are a different story but they’re disgusting. Not into fucking cyborgs, thanks. At least not until I finish up all my other fetishes first. Mmm, aluminum foil and packing tape…

Sadly, they probably get more pussy than you (even if it's from each other)

I can’t believe how many girls are gravitationally drawn to assholes. It all stems from the most important piece of relationship advice I’ve ever heard – “Show a willingness to walk away.” It seems that if a girl is afraid of losing you, she’ll work harder to keep you. Depending on how weak she is, some guys take it to the extreme. You hear constant stories about how guys beat the shit out their girlfriends and the girls bake them a cake after. I’m proud to say I’ve never dealt with a girl like that. As a strong-willed male, I cannot understand what makes a girl stay with a guy. Money – can’t be that. A girl can make money any time by coming to my house, for instance. Love – can’t be that, since that usually doesn’t involve beatings. It’s disgusting that it’s still happening today. Guys get away with everything it seems, and it’s sad. Not as sad as the loading time in early Playstation games, mind you.

Women, here’s some advice for you, complied in a handy little list. Read it, and read it hard. Then slow, then fast, yeah just like that. Oh yes.
-men are physically stronger than you, so run like hell. I don’t fight robot ninjas for that very reason.
-99% of crime is perpetrated by men.
-99% of violent crime is perpetrated by men.
-99% of stupid things are done by men.
-50% of things men do are for pussy. The other 51% is for money, which is to impress pussy. That brings us 101% pussy cause and effect.

It’s hard to argue with the facts. Men are the scum of the earth, but only because so many of you girls condone it. Ladies, be strong and don’t let those backwards-hat wearers treat you like shit. That’s my job, and I don’t don a hat for anyone.

If it worked for this asshole...

While the theory of opposites works for attraction, it doesn’t always hold up. While the sweet, lonely girl and the bad@$$ motherfucker dude seem to click, that’s not how it works. What makes them work is that they both have something in common – they’re both weak. A symbiotic parasitic relationship ensues. In just the same way, eventually all the strong people end up together too. Let me save you a few years of experimentation – find someone who has your core values and elevate each other instead of letting one side run the show. Control is only fun when you have it, and you can’t both have it. Someone’s going to get hurt. I find it hurts it they keep rubbing after you finish, but that’s just me.

...and oh boy does it ever work.

The good news is that you can manipulate various aspects of this lesson to get desired effects. For example, when a girlfriend refuses sex, make various comments about hot you find your slutty ex to be. It will upset her, but only for a while. Eventually her competitive spirit will have her trying to one-up that slut. Likewise, girls – tell your boyfriend about all the things your ex used to buy you, even if it isn’t true. Relationships are like eBay – the competitive spirit makes it great for the seller. Everything averages itself out in the end, though. Frigid girls think I’m a sexaholic, and easy girls think I’m impotent. Girls think I’m cheap while eating their $16 salad. They might as well go munch on some carpet, then.

Back in the day I used to be pretty good at knowing how to appropriately mistreat a girl to get desired results. One great trick I came up with is called the “pretend you’re busy so they compete for the time you’re not actually using.” I can’t give away the concept because, quite frankly, it’s a secret. I should probably come up with a better name, though. Another great one is the “I want head. Here, borrow one of these bobby pins for your hair.” “Thanks. Wait, whose bobby pins are these? These don’t look like the kind I buy…” “Well the other girl did it often enough to warrant leaving some here. Keep sucking.”  Once again, a name change is in the works. As I get older I start to forget some of the tricks, but now I just let my wallet do the talking. A $60 steak dinner seems a lot more reasonable when it comes with sex and a 15-minute-temporary gym membership.

Do you like Phil Collins?

A lot of you have now started school again, which is prime opportunity to put it all to the test. Just remember, all you need is to find someone pathetic and weak to latch on to and you can walk all over them forever. All you need to do is pretend that you’re worse than you really are to make them easier than they really aren’t. If I had to follow my dad’s secret recipe, I’d also throw some mixed drinks for good measure. Never for you – always for them. Why get drunk when they can? It’s like riding in a limo instead of driving it, you know what I mean? It’s never “Wow, you’re really hot,” but always, “you remind me of a girl I once knew, but she was thinner and more financially secure.” Eventually you’ll wear them down and their low self-esteem will net you maximum poon profit.

In conclusion, treat ‘em ruff and you’ll get the muff. One last bit of advice: Don’t let them read this article. They’ll be on to you, and the last thing you need is a literate girl with self-worth. On that note, if my article dissuades girls from putting out, then I apologize to all men. On the bright side for you, the next time your sister goes out, it won’t be with me.

...but then again, I can just go out and buy a hat to put on backwards and prove my every word. I got a $60 steak dinner with your last name on it, pal.