ZOMG!!1! There are no wemenz on teh Internets

 

 

 

For far too long now, I’ve been too passive. Looking back at my past, I realized what I am so proud of – that I am the total package. Looks and brains, talent and humility, funny and thoughtful. Oh, I forgot to mention I can eat fur pie like it was a contest, and I can change from second to third gear faster than you knew mechanical parts could rearrange their geometric orientation in correlation to their relative positions on the periodic table of kicking fucking ass.

The problem with being all things to all people is that it starts to corrupt your mind. You start to believe there are others out there that are similar in quality, or at least damn close. Perhaps you’ve met a friend that exemplifies such qualities, and you hold them dear for that. It’s all good until you want to find a bitch slut pork receptacle input port girl that lives up to your expectations. It doesn’t seem so bad until you find out one of the dark secrets of life:

Girls that are awesome do not exist.

There, I said it. Now let’s examine this issue in typical v2 fashion: a fair, scientific approach to proving that anything that is good doesn’t exist.

The reason we imagine such an amazing girl exists is the same reason we play the lottery, pray, watch porn, and eat KFC – because fantasy is better than reality.

Remember when you saw There’s Something About Mary for the first time? I recall so many guys enjoying the concept of that movie – that there was a perfect girl out there, which was like a hot version of your best friend. I personally found the movie frustrating and it upset me, just like movies like The Girl Next Door, and to a lesser extent, any movie with Jessica Biel in it.  Who writes these movies? Men. Who watches these movies? Men. Who voluntarily releases millions of DNA samples every night? Men. <-- the joke is that I added an N

Hot, and you compete in fighting tournaments? Of course

This is where things get confusing. What about the Internet? Surely in a place where anonymity and free speech rule, you’re going to get some interesting girls. Sadly, you will not. Why? Because girls don’t use the fucking Internet to look for penii. Penises? Penii.

I’ll be perfectly honest here – I like cartoon girls. I like video game character girls. I like them because they are made by men, and therefore more in tune with what I like. Imaginary girls are always hot, always scientists, always horny, always rich, always going to shut up and wait their turn at a Chinese buffet. These comes a point where you start to actually believe that these girls actually do exist in real life…
…and you’d be wrong.

I spend a great deal of time in my teens impersonating a girl online. It was a very detailed affair, I had my own pictures, website, and I could describe the fragrance of my hair very well. I mean, what sounds better than “my hair smells like unwrapping Super Metroid for the first time”? Why did I do this thing, you ask? Well shit, you’d better ask, or you’d be weird.

Because I wanted to pick up lesbian chicks. Yeah. That’s right. I wanted to pretend I was a girl, so I could pick up teenage lesbians, and then somehow have a threesome, even though one of the girls was imaginary.  It’s awesome, I know. It never once occurred to me that anyone over the age of 18 even knew what the Internet was, let alone 40-year-old men who were using it to molest children. I was purposefully setting up myself to be molested by a teenage lesbian, but alas, I probably didn’t think things over too well. Anyway, that was like 1996 and back then all the child molesters were still hockey coaches and priests, so they posed no threat yet.

But what made the whole process so interesting was that by trying to find girls, I was constantly harassed by boys too. It became so fascinating, because I knew exactly what they wanted to hear. It started to become a game, being this perfect girl who is not only unobtainable, but also doesn’t fucking exist. Everything in the world made sense until the dark day finally came:

Girls started doing it too.

Now we had girls that pretended they were better girls. One thing led to another and we have the year 2008. Let’s take a visual tour of such girls and why it hurts us guys so much.

Cosplay Girls

Add Tara Strong's voice and I'm there

I can't read many videogame sites because they always post links that get me randy. You expect me to believe that there are girls that want to dress like game characters? Just who are these girls, and how much do I have to pay?

I mean what the fuck?! You dress like a Final Fantasy character, because you know that millions of socially misguided boys five knuckle shuffle at the very thought of a girl like this? Why would you do this unless you wanted to get gangbanged by nerds? (I’d pay to see that.) It’s like going to the homeless shelter with a coat made out of hundred dollar bills. It’s like going to the orphanage with your mom. It’s like going to a magnet factory, period. I want to fuck a girl dressed like a Final Fantasy character. Then I'd use a Phoenix Down on my boner and do it again.

As if I needed more reasons to love the Japanese

So, within reason, if you do not want me to fuck you, do not dress like this. Do not even think of this. Don’t even pretend you played the games, because I know that you did not. If you had, in fact, then I would want to bone you harder. But you didn’t, so I want to bone you less hard. All this talking about bone is giving me wood. I love cosplay girls.

Car chicks

Yeah bullshit, you back into poles reversing at Applebys and cry while calling daddy

Read some car forums online. No doubt you'll run into a girl member that plasters pictures of herself all over each post, for no reason. "Here is a picture of my intake manifold before and after cleaning - oh, and I'm in a thong bikini because it was hot that day." Just how much attention were they looking for, anyway? It's like brining a razor to a suicide club. Yeah, you work on cars do, you? Well then come here and get fucked and stop working on cars. Seriously now. If I did something that brought out so much lust/envy/arousal, I’d probably think twice about making it public.

Wannabe Porn Stars

Why are you looking at the caption?

Every girl acts like a porn star on the Internet. Every picture you see of a girl is hot. They only post the good ones. They always write some kinky shit on their blogs, and then go "LAWL j/k! :-)" or some gay shit like that. They always triple-kiss and grab their friends' boobies in their bar pictures on Facebook. That’s great. Guess what? You're not a porn star, you're just a regular slut. What they really want to be is a part-time porn star.

In real porn, the fantasy sold is “Oh look, this balding old guy with a gut just got to bang a 19-year-old cheerleader and her mom. If he can do it, so can you!” but the reality is, “Fuck, I’m an old man with a gut that can’t afford to pay girls to fuck him on camera.” That’s what’s really going on here. You’re being paid to pretend you’re something you’re not, so that people who don’t pretend get fantasized about and don’t get paid.

I can count at least 14 occasions where I’ve said to a girl, “I want to fuck you. I will pay you for it, and I can pay a lot of money for what is essentially a good time, albeit short.” You know what? They never take my offer. What is the world coming to when a girl won’t take cash for sex, when they make minimum wage doing something they hate 5 days a week? Hate me, damnit, hate me. Remember, people – a girl is never slutty, just user friendly. It helps if she has a nice looking interface, but I don’t mind typing in commands once in a while.

I think I missed the point of this article entirely. Whatever. Don't talk like a whore on the Internet unless you really are one. If you are, I get paid the 15th and 30th of every month. See you soon.

French Maids

A late 90s GAP ad upgraded

I can't go to a single web site without seeing French maids everywhere. I want to do some research on dehumidifers, there's a French maid. I want to compare cell phone plans - BAM "I ze want to put zis feathzer duszter up your assz, oui oui!" French maids everywhere. I’ve yet to see one in real life (isn't this Canada? Isn't French our second official language?), but when I do, I will offer her money to do her. Surely I am easier than dusting those hideous Royal Daulton dolls. They creep me right the fuck out, those things. They’re like action figures of old, fat, dirty things. Why do they always look so greasy? There was no point in writing about a French maid in this article, but I wanted to look at the pictures.

I mean, shit, look at this, you can't even read a Tommy v2 article without seeing a French maid. I say that like it's a bad thing.

Video Game Hotties

Tanooki Mario rocks out with his cock out

Yeah bullshit, you're more likely to see this.

Video game hotties. They have entire websites dedicated to female gaming. They have all-girl game clans. They have collections of pictures of girls wearing gaming apparel. Yeah sure, uh huh, as I belive any of you girls actually exist. I was once returning something at Future Shop, and the girl was like, “Oh yeah, I have an Xbox.”
Naturally I called bullshit, so I’m like, “You play the new Mario game on your Xbox 720? The go-kart one where you rape the villagers?”
And she’s like, “Oh yeah, I love that one.”
And then I’m like, “You are everything that is wrong with the world. I hope you get malaria.”

No, that girl in every hot game-related Internet picture does not, in fact, masturbate with a vibrating Xbox controller. What she does do is get mad at her ex-boyfriend for posting those pictures on the Internet they took when she accidentally drank Pine Sol, and he molded her body into those poses when she was misfiring neurons. A girl who is hot who knows what a controller even is is as fictional as the bible the plot of Armageddon, or to a lesser extent – Deep Impact. (One makes for a great porn title, the other makes for some fucked up German goth shit, although I’d watch it.)

A Funny Woman

Ha! Got you there. They can’t even pretend. I have an easier time pretending I’m an adjustable wrench with a chrome finish. If you ever read anything funny on the Internet written by a woman, she hit Ctrl+C on some dude’s website. Yeah, just imagine the website now, if girls actually were funny - Tammy v2. Yikes. I bet it would’ve been made on a Mac, too.

Freaky hotties

You want some hair gel? Gimme a minute

Ah, freak women. Goths, emos, and regular freaks. There is an entire Internet sub-culture of these chicks. There is so much of this shit, I can't believe it. I mean, some guy finds these pictures and then writes blogs pretending to be these girls. They build entire lives based on some obscure German modelling pictures (from a new Uwe Boll movie, I'm sure). I’m sorry, every time I see one of these girls, I can’t help but think how great they’ve be in the new Castlevania game. Is there any reason you’re dressing up for Halloween on a daily basis and then posting those pictures on the intarwebs? Don’t even say these girls exist in real life – they maybe do, for about 3 months (or you confuse them with those hot hairdresser chicks). Then they’re back to working at Tim Horton’s with sexy blonde hair and pretty lip gloss, texting new info into their Facebook page. Being a weirdo for attention is a fad, they grow out of is faster than the Internet does. A girl can’t go very long before she misses being whistled at and treated like a piece of meat, not like a vampire hunter. Being fake in real life to be accepted is one thing, but to do it where there is no prejudice? That’s just crazy talk.

Online chats and personals

8-10 years ago, when I was hitting the online chats looking for girls, I already knew the secret. What you really need to do is go to rooms like “Cute Chubby Chix!” 95% of the girls on the Internet are fat, you might as well start off with some honesty. How many “blonde, tall, blue eyed, Tommy Hilfiger wearing” monsters have I met that blatantly lied about their appearance? Too many. It’s amazing how many personal ads I read that are utter lies. How do I know this? Because some of the girls on there I know/know of from real life. Body Type: Average. Average, for what? Shamu? A bulldozer? Oil Drilling equipment? Body type: Athletic. Yeah, professional buffet inhaler. Moooooo, you fucking lying pig.

More frighteningly, you know how when you play on Xbox Live, and a girl enters the game? She gets verbally raped by anyone else playing. Either the guys mack on her like it’s going out of style (“I’ll help you, sweetheart!”), or she gets verbally assaulted. “Get in the kitchen, you damn slut. This is a man’s game!” It sure is a man’s game, because that girl is also a man before puberty. That’s why every girl on Xbox Live sounds like a 10-year-old boy – because they are.

Despire her best efforts, Achivement Points are not edible

Eventually, I grew out of my pretending to a be a girl online phase, and actually started being myself. I met some decent girls, but some of them were dead giveaways as fakes. I always asked them to talk on the phone as proof of their gender, and sometimes some old guy would answer the phone, panting. “Hello, is Jen there…?” I ask.
He continues to pant and I can hear a zipper operating.
“No…um….ahhh…yeeeeeah…Jen…she’s…mmm, yeah…she just stepped out, yeahhhh.”

Sick fuck. If I wasn’t so flattered I would’ve been so creeped out. Even better is if you call that number again another day from a phone booth and you’re like, “Hello, is your daughter there?”
“I don’t have a daughter. This is a biker house, motherfucker.”
I fucking love it.

All of the shit you read and see on the Internet about women is either written by men, or paid for by men to write. Show me this magical being that plays video games and can suck the orange off a pylon. Show me this magical being that can change a timing belt and apply make-up in the dark. I can show you these things, but then I’ve have to post pictures of men in dresses. It’s gotten to the point where when I see a girl’s avatar on gaming forums, I don’t even blink. I’m just like “Well, Allan is going through a phase.” I’m on to you, Internet girls – you don’t exist.

All right, I'm done giving you my scientific proof. Now let me take a few minutes to profess my love to all things weird and imaginary. The best part about no one reading my web site anymore is that I can write shit like the following and get away with it.

I Have No Shame, continued...

As a kid I grew up reading those Babysitters Club novels because I found them so erotic. I imagined they’d all be about late night sleepovers, curiosity and teenage experimental hijinx, but it was mostly about how annoying little brothers are. What a bummer. I kept reading new ones hoping this was the one where they finally discover another use for that cucumber but alas it never came to fruition.

It's not quite Penthouse Forums, but it's close

Things were so much better when you were a kid, because nothing was wrong and perverse. My thoughts of teenage experimental hijinx have been replaced with worrying about my tax bracket and how to optimize my network infrastructure. At this age I can read one of those Babysitters Club books in about 37 minutes, which is still shorter than taking a chick out for dinner, and nearly as satisfying. Yet cheaper. Oh and did you see that Babysitters Club movie? That had that girl who played Gia on Full House as an equestrian, and that bitch is pure heat. It turns out that girl is Marla Sokoloff, and I knew she was hot from the moment I saw her. You know, fourteen years ago. That makes her way older than I am. All of a sudden I don’t feel nearly as dirty, and thus less interesting.

Mmm...DOA girls. To be fair, I'd rather nail the animated one because she doesn't speak English

I can't be alone in liking cartoon and videogame girls though. I just love the Dead or Alive girls, and they make a Hollywood movie of it with real girls. Someone thought it would be profitable to make this movie, and not just whack off about the idea of said movie. Someone spent millions of dollars for real girls to pretend they're pretend girls who fight and play volleyball. I mean shit, the real life girls aren’t even as hot as the cartoon ones. (Oh all right, the girl who plays Helena is hotter than your mom at the beach) Only rarely do you see some girls do the whole cosplay thing and look as good as their animated counterparts. But, at the end of the day, those are just costumes and the real fake girls are still fighting dragons and wielding swords, which is way more appealing than some cocktease dress-up artist. Mind you, I’ve never stuck my dick into a cartoon (as of the time of this writing) so real girls get a slight advantage. Slight.

Robots never say "maybe later" or have a conveniently-timed headache (and they have an asjustable tightening mechanism I imagine) Oh and they say shit like "Affirmative" which is hot

I mean, just today, like the day it is right now, I read a story on MSNBC about the top 5 sexiest video game characters. That’s a semi-respectable news site, and they’re admitting that there’s sex appeal to imaginary people. Well, I’m Tommy v2 and I admit there’s nothing like whacking off to a hentai .gif file. 256 glorious colors (and some alpha channels) of things that could never happen in reality. Surely that’s no different than pretending you’re a rock star in the shower. Oh, why am I trying to justify my fantasies to the Internet? I’m not the guy who pays to look at websites about girls with shaved heads and hairy bushes. I guess if you 69 her, it wouldn’t be that weird, but that’s another website.

 

If any of the images on this page violate copyright, please email me and I will remove them; slowly, one button at a time, yeaaahhh...just like that. Oh don't stop.