The v2 Awards, 2008

 

 

 

Today just happens to be my birthday. What better way to spend it than sitting in front of the computer alone, writing for a practically non-existent audience while my livelihood disappears faster than my hard drive space?

I could do just about anything I wanted, but today is a special day for me and I’m sharing it with you like hepatitis J (or whatever fucking letter they’re up to now, thanks to my ex). It marks the first moment of my life where everything is going to be downhill from here. Yes, ladies and gentlemen – I am 26 years old. My reasons to live drop faster than my Alexa ranking, but that’s another story.

Instead of looking at the past 26 years and being all retrospective and shit, I’ve decided to just focus on 2007 and how it has nothing to do with the above paragraphs. It’s my version of the Kansas City Shuffle – they look left, you sodomize their little cousin. Let’s roll, bitches.

I could say that 2007 was the best year of my life (it wasn’t – that would be 1991) but it also conveniently makes for an arbitrary temporal frame for an awards article.

Best death of 2007

Fucking Heath Ledger had to die a couple of weeks too late to make the list. Thanks for ruining the new Batman movie for me, asshole. Now I know that Patrick Bateman kills the Joker IN REAL LIFE. That’s a new fucking dimension in movie making. Batman kills the Joker so fucking hard that the actor that portrayed him fucking drops dead. But that’s what I expected from Bateman anyway. Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard! Tom’s tip – don’t die by your own accord. It makes you a fucking idiot. Not only did Batman beat the Joker, but Darwin did too.

Anyway, since 2007 was short on cool deaths, I went back to 1988 for one of the all-time greats. There are masturbatory killing fantasies that I have that don’t have the panache this little doozy has, let alone the sheer cinematic prowess. I present to you a scene from Rambo III, where Rocky kills a bad guy TWICE at the same time. It can be done and you’re about to see it. I hate to spread hyperbole but this is really fucking super:

Runner up: Millions of starving African children

Best movie

 

Much, much better than Knocked Up with 10x the heart Sunny D

This one’s easy. It’s Juno. A movie so fucking good that its absurdly well-acted characters come off as effortless depictions of cinema I have no idea what I’m talking about. The movie was amazing. Ellen Page is the new Naomi Watts, who is the new Jodie Foster. Oh, and the movie gets a +10 to fucking awesome for having Juno wear her red hoodie from Hard Candy. That was actually inspired. Oh, and the ending is fucking GREAT. Thank you for making a movie without a fucking garbage sappy inspirational ending. I can’t wait for Juno 2: The Cradle of Life – Underworld Revolutions Redux Electric Bugaloo.

Runner up: Superbad. It’s Supergood. ZOMG I am a genius.  LOL!!!!1

Runner up to running up: The Bourne Ultimatum. The most exciting way to get to sleep since the last 2 Bourne movies. He’s a secret spy ninja, I get it. Ooooh, he’s psychic in this one too. I saw that “go north 11 meters in 8 seconds after the guy in a the blue shirt” shit when it was called The Matrix, and before when it was called Miss Cleo late-night infomercials.

 

Best Sports Moment

Ha. Fuck off. Sports. Whatever.

Runner up: Teagan taking up the ass in Babysitters. Utterly sublime, in a penis-in-anus sort of way.

 

Best Videogame

Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune – PlayStation 3

Oh it's so good. It really is

Ah yes, Uncharted. It’s Tomb Raider meets Gears of War meets Prince of Persia Ico, meets me in a dark alleyway. The only problem with the game is that is doesn’t vacuum the living room for you (but if it was on Xbox 360, it would’ve sounded like a fucking vacuum on dirty slut mode™). I haven’t seen graphics like this since I watched scrambled pay-per-view porn as a kid with a vivid imagination.

Runner up: Resident Evil 4. Every year it has to be mentioned. It’s better than a Whopper on a hangover morning after you wake up with your worst enemy’s sister in your lap.

Best multiplayer game

Playing chess with old people down at the retirement home. If you ever wanted to pwn some n00bz, here’s your chance. Bonus point if they piss themselves after seeing your Queen to E2 move. Triple points if you pretend to be their grandkid and make them smile over memories they never had. Yes, grandpa, that is my hymen! Tee hee! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: MAKING OLD PEOPLE HATE OUR GENERATION MORE.

Runner up: Probably that Call of Duty 4 game. I guess.

Man of the Year 2007

 

How do you not love a guy who self-publishes a "stolen" sex tape for desperate publicity?

Fred Durst. I don't give 3.14159 shits what you think of Fred Durst, he is my hero. He is my celebrity idol. He is literally the Tommy v2 of the music industry - hated by everyone, fucked Britney Spears and sold over 60 million albums. I mean, what the fuck right? I worshipped Fred back in the day. I dressed like him, I rapped with every black person that would look at me, I even screamed randomly. In all seriousness, I love Fred. I don't know why everyone hates him so much, but admit it - all you pieces of shit were rocking out to Limp Bizkit at some point. Who invented Pop Metal music? Uh huh. Like myself, Fred is misunderstood by most commoners. He's about the only person who really believes in his work and continues to press on despite everyone hating him. That's what it's all about, people - keeping it real. I am proud to say that I am a Bizkit fan for life. Back before there was the modern sad emo bullshit, our emotion was just 'anger.' Fred wrote songs about bitches betraying us, and I don't know what I would've done without them. Every lyric was written by my own fragile teenage mind, and it was exactly what I needed to survive. Mr. Durst, this Bud's for you. Did I mention he fucked Britney Spears and wrote a song about it? I would totally spear Britney.

Runner up: My dad, because no one can fry fish like that motherfucker can.

 

Best TV series

Much better than the books, by the way, so don't bother

Dexter. It’s not often that a second season is better than the first, especially when it’s THIS much better. I guess it’s easier to sustain this type of quality when a season is only 12 episodes, but season 2 of Dexter was the bee’s knees, the cat’s meow, the priest’s handjob. Ridiculously entertaining, vividly imagined, excruciatingly well-written and acted. Every episode was better than the last, until it all culminates with an ending so satisfying that you might need to wipe up afterwards.

Runner up: Gossip Girl. A great follow-up to The O.C. that should’ve been called The N.Y. An absurdly attractive cast and the best teen acting since I went to high school. Great plot and relationships expand beyond any other teen show, and that includes Saved by the Bell. You know, the good ones, where that Showgirl acts like a fucking priss only to do lines of coke and eat cock a few years later.

 

Best I-told-you-so moment

Remember how I told you that PlayStation 3 would take over the world despite what everyone else says? Uh huh. It’s starting to happen. Just thought I’d remind you of how I know the games industry and you’re jerking off to Xbox sales figures. Just in case you missed it last time. Final Fantasy + Metal Gear Solid + Gran Turismo = the same results as the past 13 years. Thanks for coming out. Nintendo, you’re next.

Runner up: I told you that Guitar Hero III was shit. Now you’re all playing Rock Band (and hey! It’s not fucking hideous like GHIII is!) and you agree with me. Fucking kids never listen. I played it all before when it was called Um Jammer Lammy. Remember that, kids? Of course not, you ignorant wastes of a good blowjob.

 

Worst Rip-Off of the Year

People stealing my strikethrough joke. You know who you are. That’s my thing, ass turkeys, stop using it. What you gonna steal from me next, my mot@%#fucking censor joke? WTFuck man, that shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S (you have to spell it out for effect). They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery – and at this point it feels like you’re stroking my poon snake, as well as my ego.

 

Worst Dating Moment of the Year

I repeat to you as a man first, and as an Internet superhero second. DO NOT take a girl to go see Shoot ‘Em Up with you. She will not enjoy it. At all. You will never hear the end of it, and you’ll have to watch shitty chick flicks for a long time. I do volunteer to watch Amanda Bynes movies, because her handsome boyish looks fucking great ass makes her movies bearable. and she looks like a boy and it might be weird that I want her.

Easy man test - did you like this movie?

Runner up: Getting caught fucking a pie – before it cools down. +2 to ouch.

 

Worst Television Moment

All that presidential election bullshit on CNN. Every candidate is going to promise you the world, and only the one who gets voted in will ruin your life. Americans confuse me sometimes. The spend years trying to kill Osama, now they want to vote Obama? You have any idea how many fucking redneck jizzhoovers are going to not vote Obama because they think he’s a fucking terrorist on account of his name? Oh, and that Hilary woman – just you watch! Years after her term expires, her husband will run for president. And that McCain guy – why would the president of a french fries company, errr….Superfries company want to be the president anyway? There’s more money in frozen potatoes I reckon. You might as well move to Canada now while you still have a chance. Come see how awesome it is to spend $8 on a Big Mac combo, idiots.

Runner up: A commercial for anything to do with Friends, Adam Sandler, Maroon 5, or Apple products.

 

Best Day of my Life, 2007

The day my cat died. That was sweet. All those days of feeding him food laced with Windex finally added up. 9 lives, you say? Uh huh. Streak-free shine says I. Now, it’s not good that he’s dead (that’s a little cruel, to be fair) but it is awesome to be able to run down the stairs in the dark without expecting the crunching sound of feline ribs beneath your feet. I swear I run around in the dark like a motherfucker now, if only because I no longer fear being the bringer of gravitational physics a.k.a. meow meow what the fuck have I done?

Not how he died, but this probably didn't help

Runner up: Pretty much any day I went to Tony Roma’s. If that guy’s kids aren’t fucking whales then I have no idea what’s wrong with them.

 

Worst Movie

Did Cloverfield come out in 2007? No? Let’s pretend it did.

Runner up: Shrek 3. If this is what appeals to kids, let me put some pesticides on my condoms. A lot of pesticide.

 

Most erotic experience

Unboxing my PlayStation 3. If something that weighs 15 pounds can emit this much sexual energy, then lock me up for forced entry. It was my first inter-racial experience, and once you’ve gone black, you can’t go back. Well, I lied, a Super NES is grey and spanks every other gaming system with a gaming dick so big it needed my ex to take it all in. That poor girl, being the butt of so many slut jokes. That’s what you get for embarrassing me in public and throwing me that surprise party which ended up with me crying you fucking skank whore. Oh well. Slut. Loose. Yeah, I went there. (If you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably wrong. But since you don’t, you probably didn’t and so it’s likely that it was you I was talking about, unless it wasn’t, but it might have been when you didn’t think it was. Bam.)

Can't let the kids see the naughty bits

Runner up: Having sex some time in 2007, I suppose. It’s hard to remember the specific times when comparing against unwrapping Japanese consumer electronics.

 

Worst fashion trend

Girls with no jugs.

I wouldn't want to be stuck on a pirate ship with that

Runner up: Girls with no snack trays, 2006.

 

Worst invention

It’s hardly a 2007 invention, but the auto-flush toilet. You get up to pull your pants up, and the toilet flushes itself, spraying filthy shit water all over the back of your pants. It’s called a 7 second delay timer, get with the program. I want to meet the engineer who put that in, and auto-flush his wife’s face with my cooter harpoon. She always wanted a pearl necklace, didn’t she? Booyah.

Runner up: It’s not a 2007 one, either, but the pre-pay gas stations. I don’t know how much fucking gas I want! Are you retarded!? I give you $20, then I decide I want $25 and I have to make another 2 trips if I change my mind to $30? Fuck you all. What if I only fit in $18.91? Then I have to see you again to get my change? Seriously, go rape my dead cat. Gotta pre-pay, though. Luckily in Canada this is not the case 99% of the time, but I imagine that it’s another shitty American tradition we’ll inherit soon, just like Chlamydia and MTV.

 

 

That brings another year of awards to a close. Hopefully 2008 is a lot better than 2007 was, although that seems easy at this point. So here I am, at 26, on my birthday, still wasting my life just to bring you some entertainment and enlightenment for no reward whatsoever. There’s something so satisfying about spending all your birthday money a week later on Valentine’s Day, you know? There’s only one way to fix that:

A lot of pesticide. 26 years plus 9 months ago. Sigh.