Save the smalltalk - I still hate you

 

 

 

You ever wondered about those sad pathetic fuckers you went to school with? They usually fall into several categories:

• people you made fun
• people that weren't worth making fun of
• useless girls you occasionally masturbate about
• everyone else

If you're as social as I am, you no doubt run into said fuckers all the time. Nothing BKs your mall adventures like running into people from the past. We had this sign at a party that I was at this weekend, and upon looking at it, I think I need to turn this into a shirt so you fuckers can stop BKing me when I'm trying to enjoy my fucking day.

Don't you just love the inherent conversation that ensues with those awesome people from your past? Let me demo:

"Hey Tom, I remember you!"
"No shit, Sherlock. It's been only 3 years."
"What you up to these days? What are you saying?"
"I'm actually doing well for myself. And you?"
"Oh that's cool. Oh I work for my dad's shop."
"Oh...I see. Hey listen, why you talking to me now if you didn't make an effort for the five years we were in school?"
"What do you mean?"
"Hey listen, I have to run. I have girls to bang. Good luck with Burger King and all that, eh."
"I said I work for my dad!"
"Yeah, he's on Drive-Thru right now."

Those people seriously piss me off. "What you up to these days?" "What you saying, bro?!"   Jesus Christ, I'm not your brother. Nothing is "up" these days. Why make small talk? Why talk to me at all? Make a head nod and let's leave it at that. The only people from the past that I make conversation with are girls. Why do I bother? Just in case there's a small chance I'll bang them. Normally this isn't the issue, but most of them known me since I was Tommy v1, so things can be a little embarrassing.

"Oh hey Jessica, it's been years!"
"Nice to see you again... (thinks about my name, for once not in the context of masturbating about me) ...Tom!"
"Actually it's Tommy now. Version 2, to be exact."
"Oh that's cool."
"You were the hottest girl in school, eh. I always wanted to get with you, but I couldn't afford it."
"Oh that's cool. You still drive your mom's Dodge?"
"No..."
"I heard you work at Canadian Tire. How's that?"
"I don't work there..."
"Is it true your girlfriend's pregnant?"
"Hey listen...you're really K-ing my B, here..."
"K-ing your B? What does that mean?"
"Hey listen, I have to run. I have to...go fuck your sister."

That always shuts them up. Girls can be annoying, but still better than those small-talk making losers formerly known as men. Sometimes I just want to punch them right in the face while they're attempting to make conversation. I want to punch them right in the face, then throw my gold and platinum credit cards at them as well as pictures of my car. Then, just when they're crying from sheer jealously, I want to show them pictures of all the girls I've upgraded. They'll be so impressed and they will never talk to me again. I can only pray.

"So what's up bro, what you up to these days?"
"Slitting my wrists, almost on a daily basis."
"Cool, cool."
"You didn't even hear what I said."
"Not much, just going back to school in the fall."
"What the fuck? Are you programmed or something?"
"I was thinking of changing my major."
"You're a major asshole."
"I work at the public school board."
"I never asked you..."
"Anyway, hey listen, I gotta run. Nice seeing you again, Alex."
"Tom."
"Yeah you too man. See ya."

Next time I'm at a mall, I hope I run into someone from high school. With my car. Only small talk you'll be making is with the ambulance staff, fucker.