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Today, I think I had an epiphany. I'm not even sure what that means, but I think I had one.
I present to you a chronicle of one of my most epiphanized days yet...

• I woke up early that day. I fell asleep playing with cards. That should tell you just how entertaining cards are. Poker is huge these days. Magic is huge these days. Both use playing cards. Although I participate in nor enjoy either, I've taken a liking to playing cards. Since Tommy doesn't fuck around and always gets the quality shit, I obtained some Tally Ho cards. What's so special about them? They are the Ferrari of playing cards. They are smoother than me at the bars, and almost as white. They are better than whatever you're using, you cheap fuckers. And going to Wal-Mart to pick these bad boys up won't do the trick, either. Nice try.

No. 9. That's my lucky number. Just so happens. Coincidence? Hardly.

Look at the fucking Ace of Spades. That's fancier than KD in foil wrap!

 

• After I got my ass in gear, I checked the mail. My new license plates came in. Finally. Did you know it takes 52 days to make a sheet of aluminum white and blue? I did not. You can replace someone's defective heart in around 4 hours.

 

• Later that day, I decided that I am no longer a consumerism whore and that I would fight back against those media-savvy fuckers. Although secretly I will always be a whore (consumerism or otherwise), I decided that I will be closer to being complete if I destroyed my pride and joys. Please partially cover your eyes to protect yourself from what you're about to see.

Scissors: $6
Camera: $520
Cutting up a Mastercard for no reason: Priceless

Scissors: $6
Beers needed to do this: $12.35
Seeing your face when I cut up a platinum card you wish you could get: Priceless

Confetti for successful people

At that moment, I felt relief wash over me in an awesome wave. I felt a power I could not explain. I felt lethal. I felt there was just a little more to do...

Visa: accepted in more places worldwide than any other card - including my garbage
 

If seeing this makes you sick to your stomach, you should see your sister's diary

I loved my credit cards. I remember being able to go out to dinner with the most beautiful girl and not worry about looking like a chump. I remember that look of contempt on that waiter's face when he realized that I had way more money than he did. Oh well, who needs beautiful dates anyway? Your girlfriend's taste in food usually consists of Tim Horton's, and I can find nickels in the street to pay for that. It's a win-win for me.

 

• To reward myself for being so fucking rebellious, I decided to check the fridge for a prize. I found Yop. I don't recall ever buying it, but I'm told it's delicious. I ripped the cap off and started chugging. What happens next is the cool part.

Guess what? Expires September 8th. Too bad it didn't mention 2003. Fuck...

After the first swallow, I could finally taste it. It tasted like swallowing liquid disease. I consider this to be a strong way of being BKed by fate. After promptly heaving, I brushed my teeth seven times and gargled a bottle of Drano. Whether this was a way to clean my mouth or attempt suicide, I'll let you decide. You wanna know what my biggest worry is? That this Yop wasn't expired and this is how it's supposed to taste. Fuck.

• After that personal act of terrorism I sat down and decided to chillmax. I felt that my day was complete. But was it...? There was one last thing I've always wanted to do...

...but it was illegal. Ha.