Wonders never cease to amaze me

 

 

Check it out, I'm a fucking scholar:

"To prove that there is something wrong with society, I give you this tidbit: In the English language, these is no such word as positivity, although there is the word negativity."

Isn't that fucking great? I get to be negative because it's recommended by Webster.

Rest assured, even I can find positive things to say about the world - not much, don't get me wrong - and I will share some of these things with you. Wonders never cease to amaze me! And believe me, some things are just amazing. Check it out.

• Today I was taking my well-deserved lunch break and I walked to the atrocity that is McDonald's. Usually McDonald's is pretty decent inside, until you see this god-forsaken downtown location. I feel like a Nazi just walking in there - I look decent, I am well dressed, I even have money - and of course that makes me a bad person. The way those downtowners look at me just makes me sick. I'm sorry that I have a job, I'm sorry that I don't stand on the street corner and play the tuba all day to make seventeen dollars. I'm trying to order the cheapest thing on the menu but these people keep staring at me. Why?

I wear it because it's practically an ad for my site. Believe that.

Check it out losers, it's a TOMMY HILFIGER shirt. And check it out - it's not even from the flea market either! Keep staring at me like that. Yep, I am a criminal because I have a little white and red flag on my shirt. I'm a fucking gangster. Why do I feel the need to wear such clothes? That's a whole fucking other article. Here's a preview.

September 17, 2004

Why I wear decent clothes

 

I was born and raised in poverty. I came to this country so I wouldn't have to live in poverty. I work for money. Then I buy nice clothes so I can prove to the world some semblance of success. You still dress like a bum because you are a bum. The end.

So what was my positivity trying to say amidst all that teen angst? That I have awesome clothes and you fuckers are cheap and judgemental. Awesome clothes - amazing!

• So back to these wonders of the world. Today while I was enjoying my morning race to work, some crazy fucker behind me start waving his hands and honking and flashing his high beams. What the fuck for? Because apparently I was going too slow. Can you fucking imagine this? Me going too slow in my MX. That's practically a fucking SNL skit. I drive my car fast. Stupid fast. I change lanes like an F-1 driver. I turn on my blinker and I'm in the other lane before the bulb filament gets warm. I don't even experience third gear, I'm too busy making mincemeat of morning traffic. Hey Mr. Retarded Sunfire Driver, keep waving your arms like that. Here's another idea - there's another lane! You dumb fuck. Then we pull up to a set of red lights and he goes crazy again. I could barely hear what the fuck he was saying; I think he was trying to embarrass me or something. Nice try, asshole. Look at our cars - I look rich while you look like you're delivering pizza to the homeless. What a fucking prick. People like that should be shot and killed, revived and killed again. He was acting like a complete fucking nutjob. Kids, that's what happens when you watch porno for three hours and don't masturbate - and that is a wonder that never ceases to amaze me. People that should've hugged their mom more - amazing!
   
• You ever seen a car with old foggy headlights? Ever wanted to fix that shit? No kidding. Plastex plastic polish. All encompassingly useful? I think so. Compare the left and right headlight. Plastex plastic polish - amazing!
   

Whichever one of you fuckers stole my plate, fuck you. But look at that shiny headlight!
before and after

 

• You know that Nickelback song "Figured You Out"? You know that part in the lyrics "I like the white stains on your dress!"? Man, that's just awesome. I thought I was the only person who walked into Wal-Mart every Sunday morning with telltale stains on my shirt. I guess not! Saying crazy shit on the radio - amazing!
   
• You know what else is amazing? That my favorite fruit cup snack product now comes in plastic cups instead of the usual tin cans. Let's see, how long did that take? 43 years? It couldn't have happened any sooner? Nothing, and I mean nothing brings out the taste of fresh fruits like thick pieces of semi-galvanized sheet metal rolled into a small cylinder...

Plastic makes perfect! Girls, take note.

"But Tommy, the clear plastic allows the fruits to be exposed to light, therefore the photosensitive vitamins will be destroyed in the fruits, rendering their nutritional value useless..."
You know what? You can shut the fuck up. I'll take my fruits nutritionless as long as I'm not sucking back lines of rust every morning. Plastic rules. It's good for enhancing girls' bodies, it's good for my fruits. Enough said. Plastic - amazing!

• A wonder of the world - those 10-minute oil-change places. Ten fucking minutes? Are you kidding me? You drive the car in, you walk in, and by the time you realize how fucking lazy you are, it's done. You owe them money. Did they even do anything? Twenty nine dollars says they did. Ten fucking minutes, that's amazing!

Place probably operates even faster when it's open, no question
 

When I do that shit at home, I spend ten minutes trying to find a way to get the jack under my car. I spend at least ten fucking minutes trying to convince the underage prosti-tots in my neighborhood that I own my car and that I am 17 years old so it's still legal. 10-minute oil change places - amazing!

• A wonder of the world - a girl driving my car. There is nothing in the world like my facial expression when we're driving around and people are looking at her and the car, and not me. They think I'm just some useless tool she picked up; a sugar daddy or something. Grr. Just knowing that I have enough faith in someone to drive my car (let alone a girl) should amaze you. To put things in perspective, I have beaten small children just for being in the same postal code as my car. So she's driving, grinding away whatever is left of my second gear, and I keep thinking to myself "Dude, you're so sad. Why you so mean to girls when they're obviously quite capable of doing manly things like driving stick and are every bit as equal as men?"
  Then it occurred to me. "Umm...because somehow she convinced me to drive my car around and destroy what's left of it while wasting my gas and I'm retarded?" Damn. At least the car turned her on and I was there when it happened. My stupidity - amazing!

Don't get me wrong, surely there are many other things that cause wonder and amazement to me - I just can't think of any at the moment. Maybe I'm just negative and cynical and don't like giving other people credit. Maybe I've just seen and done too much in my life to be impressed by much. Maybe there's just not enough rust in my diet anymore...