Consumerism, thy name is Tommy
In my third and final third entry in my consumerism series, I explore the very core of the problem. Too much good shit, too affordably priced, too convenient not to buy.
Here's the scenario. One day, I'm up trying to write a new article. For once, I don't have shit to say. I looked around my room for a long time, couldn't find anything entertaining. I decided that I needed more stuff. Then I looked at my nails. I wanted to cut them. I reached for my nail clipper, but alas I threw it out days ago by accident. My ex donated her clippers last year, and they were incredible. Then I threw them away by accident. Shit. Seeing as how calling her up and asking where she got them isn't a viable option (she's a little too excitable), I had to bite the bullet and get a new one.
So it's 3 in the morning and I'm no longer satisfied with the length of my nails. What's a guy to do? Fuck it, let's hit a 24-hour Shoppers Drug Mart.
No better place to pick up sluts in the middle of the night
Believe it or not, such a place exists. Usually you dirty whores are like "Oh it's very convenient, you can buy decent condoms in the middle of the night and not those hokey gas station specials." Me, on the other hand, look for a deeper level of spiritual enlightenment - well, that and dishwashing gloves. I got home around 4 in the morning and I cut my nails to a desirable length. There are kids starving in China and I just bought something because I wanted to in the middle of the night. Communism must suck.
Spent 4 dollars of gas to buy a $3.49 nail clipper? You are a consumerism whore
You know what's really satisfying? When you see the hottest girls buying acne medication. It makes for a great flirting opportunity:
"Hey. I couldn't help but notice that you're shopping for acne medication."
"You too I guess," she says. "But why you buying this? You don't have zits."
"That's because this works."
"Oh."
Owned. Pretty, but not smart.
A few nights later, I decided that although I was already beautiful, I could be more so. Around midnight, I went to Shoppers again. While I was going through their immense selection of facial cleansers, this guy comes up to me.
"Yo dude, you watch wrestling?"
"Of course."
"I swear to fucking God that that's Chris Benoit over there at the pharmacy."
Naturally, I went to over to check it out. There, in my own goddamn 24-hour Shoppers Drug Mart it's Chris fucking Benoit. He was buying medication for his son. I immediately went up to shake his hand. He was friendly.
"Oh my god!" he says.
"It's nice to meet you Chris. Great match tonight."
"Thanks. Aren't...you...Tommy v2?"
"Why as a matter of fact I am!"
I gave him my autograph and we parted ways. Amazing, meeting a celebrity in the middle of the night at a drug store. Well, that and I met Chris Benoit there. Small world, indeed.
When I got home I decided that I would no longer be a consumerism whore from now on. Until I saw Tommy Hilfiger pillows the next day. That's fucking awesome. So I bought them. I am a gangster. If they get me laid at least once then they'll be worth it. Just wait 10 minutes. Bam, they're now worth it.
Red and white to make the logo. You get it, right?
So I told myself that that was the last time for sure. Then, I checked my mail and...well what do we have here? It's the Tommy v2 Fall Collection! Check them out...
Yeah I cut the old ones up. They weren't shiny enough. I don't want to hear it, ok?
Fuck this article, I'm going shopping. I suggest you do the same.
[update] Guess what? I found the old nail clipper! You know what that means? 1) My ex is back to being useless 2) It really is WAY better than the one I bought as a replacement.
