Bar advice volume 4

 

 

 

Do I actually have solid advice like before? Not really. I mostly have a story that will educate you in the way that only your dad's belt can.

 

With the majority of college and university students back in town (groan. School is for losers, don't you fuckers ever learn?) the bars are fucking packed again. No longer can me and my buddy pick up girls that sit in groups of two - now they're groups of...oh fuck, hundreds. This is brutal! The hottest girls as far as the eye can see, but they're in packs! Damn it all to hell. Girls in groups are really brutal. The ugliest ones in the group are always the bitchiest too - they know you're talking to their group because of the hotties and they get jealous and try to ruin it for everyone. Talk about buzzkiller. Some of these bitches could kill my buzz just by waking up in the morning. It's harsh.

Normally I never have to use any lines on girls because they have one look at me and everything is taken care of. This one time, there was a group of 4 girls inside the bar. Funny how there's a thousand people outside, but only these 4 girls inside. Maybe they were so drunk that they thought they were outside? Regardless, I made my approach.

"Hey ladies."
They all looked at each other to decide which one would bang me first. "Hey," they respond.
"I couldn't help but notice that you're the only girls here and you all happen to be hot."
They giggle. "It's hot outside."
"No it's not. It's almost two in the morning. It's freezing outside."
"Yeah eh? We didn't think it'd be that hot this time of year!"
I didn't know what to say at this point. I decided that they were all cocaine-snorting lesbians and it wasn't worth my time. I hate lesbians. I went back to the bar when I saw a sight that made my eyes bleed.

There was this guy. He looked like a complete loser. Skinny, dirty black hair, unshaven, studded belt (a sure-fire fairy alarm) tight T-shirt, and pasty white skin. Normally these type of people I pass by and throw my change at them, but this was different. Standing talking to him were three gorgeous blondes. They were hot. They all had on those hot low-ride pants that showed ass cleavage. Every last one of them was eyeball fucking this loser and totally transfixed with his conversation. I fucking had to know what this was all about. I moved a little closer so I could hear this.

"So what do you do?" the hottest girl asked him.
"I'm a network engineer," he responded smugly.
"Oh wow!" she responded.

Although I had no drink in my mouth, I almost spit it out. A fucking network engineer? Are you fucking kidding me? That's what *I* do! You can't be one too, asshole Fucking prick.

"Yeah, I have my CCNA, my MCP, my CNA, my..."
"Wow..." the girl said again.
I was going to fucking flip. He was using my cool to score. I invented that shit. Fucking poser.

I kept listening until the following was said:
"Do do they call you doctor then?"
"Yeah, sometimes."

I fucking flipped. I checked my hair and quickly walked over to the girls and this loser.

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you're a network engineer."
He looked puzzled. The girls immediately wanted me.
"Yeah, who's asking?"
I quickly looked at all the girls. "Ladies, whatever he's telling you, forget that shit. I got everything he's got, plus fucking ten times that. He probably works at some call center answering questions about printer cables. Fuck that."
The girls continued to look puzzled, as if they were wondering why they weren't naked yet. "You want the real thing? That's me," I said.
"Oh yeah, why's that?" one of the other girls asked.
I quickly whipped out my wallet and showed them all my credentials. "See how this loser dresses, girls? He couldn't buy you sluts anything. Seriously. I Could. I could buy every last one of you implants! You want details? Fine. I work at a major stock trading firm. I do nothing. That's my job. I get paid tons of money to do nothing. This fucker answers phones. I call people. I call sluts to make dates."

Their faces grew erotic. I could see their awe.

"This fucking guy here dresses in black because he has stains all over his shirts. Fuckssake, I wear white clothes. In fact, when they get dirty from all the girls' makeup and drool, I just throw them away and buy new ones. I have a Platinum American Express, a Gold Visa and Platinum Mastercard. I own my own dot com dedicated to how fucking awesome I am. I drive a ridiculous car. This fucker here, the only thing he drives is his dick through a blow up doll. Of a male, no less."

At this point all the girls were all over me, eyes glazed with sexual tension.
"Ever had three girls at one time before?" the least-attractive one asked me.
"Yes, of course. But you're all sluts and gold diggers. Seriously, stay away from me."

I left and went to the window to wait for my ride. Shit, I even have businesswomen drive me to and from the bars. While I was looking out the window, two hot girls walked by and made eye contact. I kinda raised my hand to wave, maybe it was more like three fingers. The less attractive girl instantly opens her shirt and flashes me. Can you imagine that? That fucking loser has to tell his miserable poser life story to have girls even look at him, and all I have to do is raise my hand and I see tits.

So the advice I was supposed to give you? Be more like me and less like that fucker and you'll do fine in bars. That's it.