Who says romance is dead?

 

 

I decided that there's only one thing better than having your own reality show - watching my reality show. And minus the wild sex and reckless driving, what would people want to see? Guys I'm sure would want to see me kicking ass and taking names, but the only thing I do for guys is relieve them of their boyfriend duties. So for the ladies, here's what you've always wanted to see...

...so I present...

A Typical Date with Tommy v2

 

Many girls ask me out on a regular basis. They build the fantasy in their head about what it'd be like to spend a day with the legendary upgrader. Well ladies, wonder no more. Presented to you just like an early Christmas present, here's a step by step tour of a recent date I had. Just imagine yourself doing these glorious things...and who knows? Maybe one day when the time is right (and you finally grow some tits) I'll take you on a date, too! Girls watch and drool, all you sissy boys watch and learn.

 

The call

The girl calls me. I don't have to call her. She calls me and tells me that she's coming over. That saves me the question if she wants to go to her place or mine. It's always mine. In what other house is there Tommy Hilfiger toilet paper? Or an entire closet of clothes girls want to rip off me? Exactly. She calls and tells me she wants to go out for dinner and go bowling. Unless those are some kinky new terms I haven't heard yet, I'm in for a dull, dull evening. But alas! This date's about to get upgraded to v2!

Grooming

As she's on her way, I take a shower. First I use a deep pore cleanser lotion, then a water activated gel cleanser,  then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub.

 

My sister asked her dentist, "Which teeth should I floss?"   "The ones you want to keep."
 

More important than the shower itself is brushing my teeth. I only fuck with the best stuff. These days you gotta have "Extreme" toothpaste even. That $0.79 Crest at Wal-Mart just isn't going to cut it for me - I had to upgrade to the $1.87 stuff. Brushing your teeth is so very underrated. You never know when a girl wants to make out (well I do, because a stud) so you always gotta be prepared. I fact, if the girl's hot enough, I'll brush twice.

They all have my name on them so the lucky lady doesn't forget

When I'm out of the shower and getting dressed, the most important choice I make (more important than blonde or dirty blonde) is my drawers. With a multitude of choice, I always choose what I feel is seasonal. I get dressed into the rest of my (expensive) clothes, and I await her arrival.

She arrives

So she finally shows up. Obviously she's hot. Obviously. And who says romance is dead? She brought ME flowers! Can you fucking imagine? I think that tops my Olympic gold medal...just barely. What a sweetheart! I can't wait to poke her kidneys from the inside.

When I said I wanted to deflower her, this isn't what I had in mind

We immediately take the v2 for a ride. My summer wheels are off so some of my sex appeal is diminished, but luckily I've got spare sex appeal for times like this. I could make a fortune if I sold the secret to my appeal...but the only thing I ever seem to share is a hard-on.

 

Romantic Dinner

There's nothing quite like sharing a romantic dinner with my date...so I don't even fucking bother. I pretty much get the cheapest shit I can afford, so I can spend the rest of my date money on important things, like hidden cameras and K-Y.  Sometimes I'll make the dinner fancier by not masturbating in public, or removing my drink lid to simulate an honest-to-god real beverage glass, albeit frosted. For the first time in ages I bought the girl a drink as well, usually I'll allow her to drink from mine after I'm done, but only if it's unlimited refills. She must drink it all while at the place, since there is no food or drink allowed in my car. If she can't finish it, I may or may not start yelling at her until she does. I learned that nifty trick from my Mom.

"Run for the border!" isn't always an instruction to your friend Pedro

The Main Event - Bowling

I love bowling. Is there a recreational sport that's as satisfying? Short of throwing bottles at homeless people, I think not. Bowling with girls is especially fun. It lends itself to so many great lines! Oh man! These are some of my favorites:

"How many fingers can you stick in there...?"
"Honey, I think you've gained 12 pounds."
"Can you polish my balls for me?"
"You're fucking terrible at bowling."

<insert obvious joke about blue balls here>

Some girls are particularly good at bowling. My date was really quite good, so watching her bowl got me rather upset. I began to feel insecure about my performance, and she was just so damn competitive! I was losing...

 

"Take it easy on me honey!" she said. HA.

I'm fucking kidding. As if  I'd lose. Oh brother. It's the easiest sport in the world. Here's the instructions.

-Roll huge ball at pins
-Knock down all the pins, preferably with the first throw

Seems simple enough.

 

The Ikea revenge

After bowling, we went back to my place. Chateau v2. Since she was so impressed with my bowling skills, she wanted to lay me. A simple enough request, except that I was worried that my piece of shit Ikea bed would act up. Luckily, I contracted my dad to provide a permanent fix, and alas, he put in giant fucking screws. Thanks dad, this lay's for you!

ummm...awesome!

 

The Long Kiss Goodnight

"Well v2," she said to me, basking in the afterglow, "I had a great night. I was just wondering if we can do it again sometime?"
"Well," I said, "what makes you so special that you deserve another date?"
"Take me for another ride in your car and I'll show you."
"Huh? Where?"
"To the construction zone by my house."
"No way," I said, outraged. "There's fucking dirty roads there."
"Dirty roads? I'll show you dirty."

 

 

She got another date - well, after she ponied up the $3.25 for the car wash.

And who says that romance is dead?