Oh, to be a boy!

 

 

Girls, it ain't safe no more. Us guys, we're on to you. I was at another social event today (I'm extra social this time of year) and then I realized, isn't this the best time of year? Just when you think I'd write a predictable article about Christmas and why it sucks, giving presents, consumerism, parking lots, blah, blah blah, I decided to take yet another moment to bash women. Being a chauvinistic pig; the gift that keeps on giving! Check it out Mrs. Kennedy, my high school English teacher, I just used a semicolon in a sentence properly - and to bash women, no less. I bet she'd be so proud! if she wasn't such a dyke.

My last article got me thinking. If women are so great, then why are men that much better? The answer is simple. In fact, the answer is simple, presented in sloppy HTML code, and poorly written. And with bad grammar. But, alas, the answer is here. Let's explore it more thoroughly.

Bathroom Technology

Jenny McCarthy can make this look good, most of you girls cannot
 

Yep, a girl has to sit down. I can stand up, sit down, lean out a window of a moving car, squat, bend over backwards, dance in circles, etc. I can urinate freely, and I can use my underwear to prop up my upgrade tool so I don't even have to touch it (I do that enough already, two or three times a day).

 

Double Standards

Possibly the best part about being a guy is double standards. Quite simply, it is ok for men to do things but not for women. I could go into a long list of things, but quite frankly it's also Christmas and I'm busy wrapping gifts for all the girls I love. You know how hard it is to wrap a venereal disease? Exactly. Fucking there goes that ADD again. So back to this short list.

Woman
Has a few drinks and has a good time = drunk easy slut

Man
Has a few drinks and has a good time = The same guy that invented the cure for cancer

Man
Sleeps around, experienced in the sack = Ladies man

Woman
Sleeps around, experienced in the sack = Internet porn star

 
A man makes weapons a thing of danger and excitement, a woman puts on makeup to kill someone

 

Man
Does whatever is asked = model employee, servant, butler

Woman
Does whatever is asked = wife

It's so awesome being a man. You're allowed to fight, steal, murder, be an alcoholic, etc, etc, all the good stuff. Women are supposed to be made of sugar and spice (and sometimes yeast) so they're not allowed to be cool. I can deal with that. If I ever ran into some smartass bitch that called herself Tammy v2, I'd run for the hills. Well, I'd try to bang her first, then I'd run for the hills.

 

Entertainment

This entire concept is so plain to see that it's not worth writing about.

Men
Comedian, actor, playwright, author, singer, producer, director, artist, illustrator, designer, etc.

Women
Porn star

I mean I like porn just fine, but it'd be nice to be involved with other things too. Being a man lets you do that, whereas a girl can only get by on her looks alone. Oh, to be a boy!

 

Clothes

Women's clothes come in so many styles and varieties, that it's just a giant joke on their wallets. I see young girls running around the malls trying to nab the trendiest styles. "What's the in colour this year, Julie?"  Ladies, the in colour this year is WE DON'T CARE WE'RE LOOKING AT YOUR RACK. And shoes. Holy Chrizist, what's with girls buying shoes? Every girl these days is obsessed with having the newest Steve Maddens or every colour of DC Shoes. Here's an idea! Cut that shit out! Girls spend more money on shoes than they spend on tires for their car. That's insane. Stop walking everywhere. How much walking is it from the bedroom to the kitchen anyway? Seriously.

Being a man and looking good is so simple. Get yourself one decent suit, and you're done. No one can tell the difference between a good suit and a great one, everyone will just think you're a lawyer and stay the fuck outta your way. That's the best $400 you've ever spent. I mean, why go to school and get an education, slave at a job you hate when you can just borrow your dad's suit and look important? Just like that.

 
If I were as handsome as these two, I wouldn't need to write a website about how great I am

Men's clothes are awesome. Unless you're insanely fat, decent clothes gives every guy the same body. Do your hair (30 seconds is the maximum allotted time), and you're a stud. You don't need a perm, an up-do, painted nails or fake lashes - you just get to be a stud ASAP. I remember going to prom a few years ago. I changed into my clothes while the girl brushed her teeth. I looked just as good as she did, minus my obvious lack of breasts and blonde hair.

 

Tools

Tools are so important that they get their own section. Tools are men are so varied and amazing that there's just no limit to what they can be used for. Tools for women? Not so much.

Tools for men

Tools for women

This morning was a complete nightmare when I got outside. It was so much snow that my MX looked more like a fucking snowbank than a Japanese Porsche.  I realized that we had tools to get rid of snow and I was so proud that a man invented them.

When Americans think all Canadians live in igloos, this is what they picture

One day in history, it snowed heavily. Immediately men and women put their brains together to come up a solution to get ride of the snow. This is what they invented:

Men

Women

 

You see, men are more physically able to do work. So what did we do? Invent tools so we don't have to work as hard. Women just cook for us when we get home. We get to play with big machines and we come home to servitude - and that's nothing wrong with that.

 

Toys & Accessories

Men and women both toys made specifically for their needs. Sometimes, toys border on the edge of usefulness. Sometimes, however, we just enjoy things that can be abused. I mean, who hasn't had a fantasy of coming to work with a gun and plugging every last coworker for no reason whatsoever? That's when I'd wanna work Wal-Mart. That's a lot of employees, dude! Bam bam bam!

Men

A humble killing weapon

Women

A weapon of mass destruction

 

Women, of course, don't get to be quite as menacing. You heard of the movie Monster? They make a big deal about it because a women kills a man. Have you seen the movie Hard Boiled? A guy brings a machine gun into a hospital and starts shooting handicapped people for no reason. It was become socially acceptable to behave badly. For this reason men are allowed to do stupid things. Our best excuses are "I was drunk", "I was insane at the time" and the ever-popular "It's wasn't me."  What do women say? "Sorry, it's just that time of the month."  Oh please. I didn't know the average girl's PMS was 365 days long. I never seen a person so excited to get a leap year.

Gender Roles

This is a touchy subject - except that I'm a chauvinistic pig and I could care more. See, nowadays guys can do whatever they want, without being made fun of like in the old days.

Next time your sister gets her film developed, just know there was another roll

I can wear pink (pictured) if I want to even though I'm a man. As a matter of fact, I can wear a goddamn skirt if I want to (not pictured). I can do anything a girl can. What's more, I can do it standing up. The best part is that gender roles are expanding in only one direction. You see a male lab technician, you're fine with it. You see a girl firefighter, you're baffled (I am). Next thing you know you're doing to see female race car drivers! No wait, they'd have to be able to back out of the driveway first. And not hit grind the reverse gear. And not do their makeup while changing lanes. And not put perfume in the cup holder.

One of these pictures doesn't belong! Hint:  Unless it's a telephone, girls are deaf

 

See, it is becoming more and more disturbing how women are trying to be like men. Here's an idea...NO. I don't want girls burping, farting, punching each other for fun, seeing who can bleed the least, etc, etc. Girls, just be cute and cuddly. I hate tomboys. I hate dyke girls. I think I hate lesbians worst of all - you make some terrible porn. Just how am I supposed to relate to girls getting it on? I wouldn't want to join in. I can't even satisfy one girl, let alone two. I enjoy watching porn as an extension of my fantasies, and my fantasies usually have me IN it, not watching man-hating witches lick each other. Yuck.

Sex Appeal

And last but not least, the best part of being a man is this:

Women are better looking.

We men get to look at you and like it. 

 

vs. 
Although I won't specify which one, yes, that is the hottest body you've ever seen

A guy's body is utilitarian. We're big and strong so we can drive faster. Women's bodies are pretty so they can be looked at while we drive fast. It's nice being the worse looking of the two genders - it takes a lot of the pressure off. Santa Claus is fat - so he's jolly. Mrs. Claus is fat - so she's been divorced. It's awesome, really. Girls, all you really have to do is look pretty; don't get mad at that.

Well there you have it. I could write a whole book about how great it is to be a man, but like I said before, it's Christmas and I got nothing better things to do, like <insert predictable little sister joke here>

Merry Christmas, by the way. May all your wishes come true and all your girls be blonde. Ho ho ho, but don't ever tell her that's what you think of her...it's a leap year.