Oh, to be a girl!
Oh, to be a girl!
Today while at a social event (I am so social I make Lindsay Lohan look like a shut-in) I went to the bathroom. I was taking a pee in the urinal, and the guy next to me was trying to sneak a peek at my upgrade tool. He was jealous of what he saw, which is nice and all, but then it made me uncomfortable. I thought to myself, "do girls have this problem?"
Normally with my size I stand a few feet away from the urinal to avoid contact
No, girls certainly don't. Girls check each other out all the time, but it's cool because girls are hot. All their parts are made for looking at and flaunting. I mean, apart from having to sit down while peeing, girls have all the advantages in the world. It's kind of frustrating knowing that as a man we have to work hard at everything while girls have everything handed to them as soon as they are old enough to grow jugs. It's upsetting, really. Observe.
Sex
It's all about the girl. It's all about whether the girl wants you or not. It's so obvious! A girl decides within 8 seconds of seeing you whether she's going to bang you. Isn't that a little unfair? Fuck yeah. Must be nice to just get laid with whoever you want instead of the usual "Well...she'll have to do!" shenanigans. I think this is easily the worst part about girls. They just bang whoever they want - that's like choosing any car you want because they are all the same price. It's fucking nuts - back in the day I just banged whoever was interested. It's not fair.
You know what's worse than all of that? Since girls can get away with anything sexual, I had the following happen to me. I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, and she dumped me. Her rationale?
"I can't be with someone who gets into my personal life!"
Enough said. I swear to god girls think that maxi pads are a fucking get out of jail free card.
Shopping
Girls can just shop. It's an official female sport. I see girls just shopping for no particular item. I've seen girls take trips to Niagara Falls and stay overnight just to go shopping at their very modest outlet stores.
Girls scouts are awesome. One came to my door once and I just came
It's nuts, but there's some logic to it. First of all, when girls go shopping, it's always shit for them. I never had a girlfriend go shopping, "Oh my! I'm going to buy Tommy lots of great stuff! He's totally earned it by upgrading me and not writing on the Internet about it!" See, when I go shopping it's totally different. Apart from the occasional need for new clothes and beauty products, shopping is more like a catalog for shit you gotta buy for girls. Here's when us guys bleed for you girls:
Birthday
Christmas
Baby shower
Bridal Shower
Valentine's
Mother's Day
5-7 days a month for rag time
And here's when girls buy shit for us:
Never
That's awesome, eh? I last thing I remember a girl getting me is a headache. And blue balls.
The power of aesthetics
Luckily, in this world girls can be successful just because they are hot. You don't need money, talent, connections, or even kneepads - you just gotta look hot. And above all that, girls can get away with nonsense just because they look hot doing it. Ever seen a 17-year old dance when they're drunk? They look downright retarded - but LOOK! Her jugs bounce, so that's hot. Back when I was fat and my jugs bounced, no one thought I was hot or tried to grab my ass. How's that fair? In this rare example, thank god it's not. Guys have to work so much harder to get anywhere because we can't get by on our looks alone. Well, maybe I can, but I have a brain to match. And my car's hot. And I have credit cards. Did I mention my rims? Yeah, fuck I swear I have ADD sometimes with the way I get off topic. Moving back.
Only girls can get away with something like this
The fact that you can become desirable just because you're attractive is something to think about. Let's take Paris Hilton for example. She's only famous because she's "hot." Well, specifically because people think she's extra hot because of her sex tape. Have you seen this fucking thing? Paris Hilton is the worst lay in the world. She's about as kinky as a nun with genital herpes.
Porn star = fake tits. Did I miss something...?
When I watched that tape, I had my pants down getting ready for the five-knuckle shuffle, but alas the only thing I ended up doing was getting mad. I never yelled at a porn movie before. If I wanted to be this sexually frustrated, I'd have a girlfriend. Why is this famous sex goddess so awful in bed? Why does she fuck like a 13-year-old boy? Yuck yuck yuck. I've seen jungle animals have more sex appeal than that sad excuse for a whore. Have you seen her body? She's so thin that the only thing that jiggled in that video was the guy's balls. It's a porn and the blonde has no tits? I'm going to boycott that fucking video. "One Night in Paris"...what a deceiving name! It should have been called "Bi-curious Boys." That's wasn't very clever, but neither is me watching porn and not beating off. And she's STILL famous. Girls have all the luck. Oh well at least I downloaded the video and didn't pay for it - otherwise I'd be really upset. That money's better spent on suicide pills. You're better of beating off to the reporter on the Italian channel. I don't know what the fuck she's saying but at least I take comfort knowing that she slept her way to get that job.
Sexual Harassment
This is an interesting topic. Girls can't harass guys. Not possible, forget it. Every single girl that ever complimented me or came on to me, I followed through. I remember I used to say really romantic things to girls like "You have a beautiful body, I'd like to give you a pearl necklace," and as soon as they understand what the fuck I was saying, it was over. For example:
Guy to Girl
"You have great lips. I'd like for you to suck my schlong."
"Eww!!! Police! Police!!! Rapist! Terrorist!"Girl to Guy
"Do you think my breasts look perky in this dress?"
*Slurp slurp slurp*
See, that example didn't even make any fucking sense - but you got the idea. What's even worse is that girls can never be pedophiles. Here's a small chart to help illustrate this example.
Older woman likes young boys = Cougar
Older man likes young girls = Man in Forest
My dad is liable to go to jail for macking on a young'un, but if my mom did that she's liable to get jewelry. It's not fair. You girls are lucky, you can always get fresh meat while us old men have to resort to blonde wigs and hand cream.
Equality
These days, a girl can do whatever she wants. Girls want to be "equal to men." That's not a problem. A few years ago my buddy took this mantra to heart and had a boxing match with a girl. Not only did she want to box, but they also put stakes on it. "If you beat me, you get to fool around with me!" she said. His response was "OK." Obviously he was stylish (his gloves matched his vest), and obviously he won. There ya go girls, you're equal. You just got owned...equally.
After they boxed, she let him see her box
Money
It's almost 2005, and yet things are still so unfair. Us men have to work all day and give all our money to girls. I remember my dad coming home from a hard day's work and handing over all his cash to my mom. I remember thinking "Mom! At least leave him some money so he can get a prostitute!" This went on for so many years, and not a whore in sight. Nowadays women have "careers" too, but guess what happens? They work all day, spend all their money on shoes and makeup (which they only use when they go out with the girls, never for us) and then don't cook because they're "too tired from work, you fucking chauvinistic man pig!" Ladies, I hope you're happy. Just you wait until your Check Engine Light comes on...
It's just so easy being a girl. Do whatever you want and you can get money and free stuff. If I was a girl, I'd totally whore myself out for cash. Want a new CD player? Knees. Need a ride home? Knees. Need to spend the rest of your life doing nothing? Diamond ring. Damn, the convenience!
I wish television was fictional
So, in conclusion, I am providing a quick summary to help all this information sink in.
Girl Advantages
Do anything you want, get anything you want, anytimeGirls Disadvantages
Bleed a few days a month (unless you're on Depo, but then that's just cheating)
I'm really not sure what to make of it all. I think this article could go on forever listing all the things girls can do freely. Don't get me wrong though, I am a feminist. I think girls are equal to men, so they should cook, clean, work, raise kids - all while I play Playstation. There's nothing wrong with that. With articles like this, thank god I'm attractive. Whew!
