v2's old bag of hatemail for 2004-2005
My original fans asked me to put up the hatemail page from 2004-2005 back up. Well here it is! I won't be posting many new emails, since 99% of my email is very positive and who wants to read what everyone's thinking? Anyway, enjoy. People's email addresses have been censored for spam reasons. My responses in gray, original emails in orange.
Guess that answers your question.
I’m all about the Do-It-Yourself mentality. 3 times a day.
What the fuck do you mean almost ?
Such kind words. Us former call-center people are like fucking refugees. Being homeless is less stressful and much more fulfilling. Listerine is cheaper than vodka, to be sure.
Fuckin' eh. What is the world coming to when we're making fun of girls for being thin? Is THAT the problem, thin? Ha. People are making fun of Lindsay Lohan for getting thin - I mean, why would you want a thin, statuesque, beautiful blonde when you can have a - you get the point.
Dear Otterman,
Don't ever fucking knock what I watch or write about. You, as a reader, do whatever I fucking say. When I say "jump!" you say "When can I land?" Oh, just to make things more interesting my article was in white, and his email was in black. Coincidence, sure, but har har. And for the record, I don't do drugs; I do chicks. Consider me "snapped out" of it, everything's coming back to the way it was. Black backgrounds. Third-rate Google Image Finder harvested images, horrible typos and all. And if you ever tell me what to do, I will do to you what I won't tell you. Jerk.
P.S. For some reason my computer automatically puts (God) after Tommy V2 (God) whenever I type it...
I am now referred to as God. It's logical, seeing as how I'm...ah forget it. All your emails only made me want to write more articles, and since everything I write is gold, it all works out. Yes, my Mazda is my time machine. It takes me back to 1996 when everything made sense. As for curing your eating boredom, just eat KFC. KFC is fucking awesome. If you feel the need to actually cook something, then I suggest just eating Raisin Bran. I eat Raisin Bran like it's going out of style. It's not classy, but you'll have the most pleasant bathroom experiences since you wore a diaper.
And as for it saying "God" every time you type my name, I'm pretty sure that's just Autocorrect in Word...but who am I to argue? God it is. V2ism. Uh huh.
The only thing I understood was "i love the sports article tom ist so true!" and even that's a bit of a stretch. But thanks. I'm awesome. Your link doesn't work, which is too bad, since I was hoping to see cheap British teen porn. Oh well, back to Limewire I go.
"Tons of distinguished, funny stories." Distinguished. My own guidance counselor didn't even talk about me like that. She was too busy trying to sneak a peek at my upgrade tool. The only thing bigger than my head at this point is...my...ah, forget it. That's more cliché than your little sister. I just write the same shit over and over. It's kinda sad.
That is the greatest thing I've ever heard.
Dear Keira,
Please allow me to have a moment to regain consciousness. You're hot (have to be, you like my site and think I'm funny), you have a hot British accent AND you know what a fucking IP is? Holy fucking upgrade Batman.
OK, I'm good now. Pictures? Sites? British girls have nipples right? I like nipples, preferably two of them. You are lucky to be dating Jack, he has great taste in websites. If you think there are better websites then obviously you haven't read my next article yet. Oh, and as for publicly stating that you don't fancy anal sex, shame on you. Don't let all the batty boys get all the bumming fun. Thanks for your kind words. Maybe if I'm ever in England on my world tour, I'll give you a little upgrade. A patch, or maybe even a service pack.
PS: You said "lve Keira xxxx". That's an extra X. I can't even imagine what that is. Hopefully it's not with horses.
From
Dear K-Man,
I guaranfuckingtee that you're a fairy. I certainly wouldn't use my hands to rip off your nads, I'd have to use an electron microscope to find them first. And then I'd hit you in the fucking face with a shovel. Ironically, that would probably increase your sexual appeal to all the little boys you chase while trying to get your rage out from being jealous that you're not me.
And as for Jack Ford, he's a dedicated fan, just like you are to the fairy club. Ha. I'm hilarious. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person who thinks I'm funny. If my appeal is broad enough to have idiots like you send me email, then I'm all set. Now, I'm gonna hop into my time machine and kick your mother in the stomach. Twice.
Dear Buster,
There is no such day as April 31, 2005.
Regret Zero was delayed because I couldn't find time to finish it between all the sex that I get and all that time spent being awesome. I promise that when it does come out, it'll knock you on your fucking ass. Your children will be studying it in school as the next great classic novel. It will be so fucking great that they'll invent April 31st, just so it could've came out sooner. And as for my ability to write, fuck you.
Well well well...what do we have here? The greatest fucking person on the planet, or what? Mr. Ford is proof that people in England are way smarter than the people in Australia. I don't even have to say anything this time. And I quote "You are an asshole, Tommy V2 is GOD."
Dear K-Man,
You're a fucking asshole and I would rip off your nads if I ever met you. Thanks for taking time out of your precious day to send me such a flattering email. Let's take this bit by bit, since that's all your brain can handle at one time.
It's not that I can have a great site, it's that I DO. My idea didn't start off as original, but if you know how to read you'll understand why tommyv2.com is going to be the next big thing on the Internet. If you're so convinced that I'm like Maddox, you're sniffing solvents. Read mine and his last five articles. Enough said. I really think my site is the funniest shit ever written by man. My Verizon Exit Interview had the maximum joke concentration allowed by law. My Diary articles are the most interesting, clever fucking things you've ever read. Everything I write is pure fucking gold. This email response should be in a museum somewhere.
Intelligent ideas? Why would I write about that? I'd rather write about retards such as yourself. Makes for a great write, an even better read.
And as for writing back when the site improves - sorry, I can't do that - my time machine doesn't allow me to go back a year and write you an email about what an asshole you are. When I go to Australia I'm personally going to rip out your fucking soul. My site is the next big thing. I guaranfuckintee it. Watch and learn.
Well thanks for your kind words. Karate kids are a special breed - sure kid, you have a black belt, but I weigh way more than you and I love hurting children. This is the kind of fan I cherish so much. Please continue to hurt people, including karate kids. I'm not sure if him being a Jew had anything to do with it, but by all means continue. I personally do not discriminate - I hate everyone equally. And on that note, I hate you and your email; equally.
No.
Before I take you out behind the tool shed, let me point out a few things. First of all, go to school. You can't spell "you're" nor "they're." A contraction is a form of punctuation, not just the muscle spasm your white trash girlfriend has when she's spitting out your demon spawn.
Yeah, I'll admit, my car is slow. I know that your mom's minivan is a tad faster, but it has to be to haul all those "girls" you hang out with. I like driving slow...so I can see the look on your face when you see how hot my girls are. Well, that and so I can throw my frozen pop cans at you. And if I had more money (and I do) I wouldn't buy something nicer because I'm a nice guy and I want to make sure your sister has money for school, you know?
So my fucking ideas are pretty sad? My understanding of women is poor? Christ, you might BE a woman, I never even thought of that. No, you said "dude," girls don't say dude, girls say "Yes v2, please fuck me." And for your information, I am not retarded looking, I am gorgeous. And as for my needing a shower, fuck you. Ha. More fucking playerhating, it's OK; I understand your need to spend all day reading my site and then spending more time emailing me. And stop staring at my hair. Fucking pervert.
I mean...look at the subject header!
Ah yes, yet another love letter from the same guy. Can we say stalker? Unlike some of you rude Internet celebrities, I love a good stalker. What could be more flattering than someone willing to waste their time and energy on seeing what kind of cereal I eat? (Special K) Girls got it all wrong - they go to the police and shit. Me, I'd take my stalker out for a beer or twelve. I mean, he'd probably pay right? That'd be awesome. Then he'd have to buy me Mazda Anniversasy Edition monogrammed floor mats and and a whole bucket of KFC. And pop. I fucking love pop. Now, on a more serious note, please keep writing me fanmail to inflate my ego so I can continue to brag about it. I mean, if you don't, there's no point in having a website now is there? Stalkers rule, as far as I'm concerned there's no such thing - just dedicated fans.
PS: You're welcome (for reading). AS IF I wouldn't read something about me. As fucking if.
PPS: Hey Jack, do you have a little sister that needs to be upgraded? I'll do it cheap. I'll do it for free if she's blonde. I'll do it even cheaper if she's of age.
He ended the email with "thanks." He thanked me for emailing me. I have nothing more to say.
P.S. As for how many girls I banged this week...it's only Tuesday.
"haha you have to be the funniest guy alive." True.
"your articles are the funniest things ive ever read and so true." Yep.
"and the fact that your obsessed with yourself is definately hot." This is where I can sense some rampant fucking sarcasm. I hope I am dead wrong and you just plain want me. I am not obsessed with myself, I am merely displaying and writing about what God has given me. You do believe in God, don't you? If you don't you will burn in hell, so you'd better like me. By doing so, you also like God. Save yourself, post links to my site in every public place you go to. Thanks.
"who likes a guy who wants to commit suicide anyways?" Unless the guy's super rich and already married to you, I know what you mean. Confidence is sexy, especially when I'm doing it. You poor whiney saps can get back to writing ballads and poetry, I'm off to upgrade a few fans - two or three times. Merry v2.
Well well, look who it is again? You fucking bitch. You need a fucking muzzle. You think you're so special and all you ever do is bash me - because why? I have a few theories. Here's 20 questions for you.
* What is a v2 upgrade? It's that thing WHERE I FUCKED YOUR BRAINS OUT AND YOU LIKED IT. If it was so bad, why did you buy me dinner after? Amateur.
* Do you give a fuck about my life? I hope not, I hate things not being even.
* Which guy had the bigger dick? Of the hundred guys you've fucked? Yuck yuck yuck I had to get my dick sprayed with pesticide, thanks for that. You owe me $11.
* Why is your time so valuable? Because you're a prostitute and get paid by the hour. Ha.
You just think you're something eh? I never seen a girl take a phone book and write "To Do List" on the front cover. Unfortunately my name appears in the middle so now I have to make a trip to the walk-in clinic. You're just a piece of work. Now excuse me, I have to go wash my hands.
Dear Rob M.,
Thanks for your fanmail. You know, you almost had me there. Just when you think you're so clever, you fail miserably. If you're going to write a hate letter, at least be mean. Let me explain it to you.
* Your "overweight girlfriend" comment was weak. You're at least suggesting that I have a girlfriend. You'd be meaner to suggest that I couldn't get one. Good try, though.
* Your opinion about my car doesn't count, sorry. The only opinion that counts is that of the girls that want me because of it. I'm not out to impress you. You're not my type.
* "You are the only one without a vagina driving that car," you said. Can you say missed opportunity? You are so mean.
* You liked my site more the first time you saw it? You don't like my site? Well according to your IP address that you sent this email from - I checked it against my server logs - you have posted 44 hits and three unique visits to my site since November 1st. Doesn't sound like you hate my site all that much. Ha. I'm a nerd too. Don't you feel stupid now? You just got owned.
* Maddox thinks my site is cute? That's great. He should stop reading it and get back to writing articles.
Oh, and one final point. See that timestamp on your email? You sent it at 2:42 AM on a Saturday night. I was out fooling around with teenage girls and you were home reading my site and sending me hatemail. *polite golf clap*
PS: Oh, and don't make fun of my last name - one day your hot girlfriend just might inherit it.
My website's been lacking lately? What the fuck? Why are bitches girls always wrong?
I don't even know where to begin. Oh wait, yes I do.
1/2 hour? Jesus. Not likely.
I love being adored.
I love being fucking awesome.
I love fan dedications.
Wow. Maddox hatemail ripper. Get a real hatemail concept.
www.whiteninjacomics.com
Your friend,
- Buster
Stop being jealous of all my kickass stuff. Did I mention that I'm dating a former cheerleader and my rims cost more than your tuition?
You have red hair? Hahahahahahahahah. I'm sorry, that's just funny. And I technically didn't diss red head guys,
but now that you mention it...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I would say "owned" but God beat me to it.
Holy shit! I've been waiting for this day! A boyfriend of an ex playerhating on me! Wow, dude! Your time has come.
First of all, although you hate me, you are obviously a fan of my site - good work! Second of all, did you see all the spelling and typing mistakes you made in your letter? Perhaps you do in fact make way more money then me, but it must be a job for HIGHLY EDUCATED LITERATE PEOPLE only, right? I make decent money, but my claim to fame is that I don't do anything - it's not a job, it's a career. Your dick is bigger than mine? Probably, but it doesn't matter - you know why? Because I bang tight girls. Even a jumbo jet looks small flying in the grand canyon. You say you don't need a website to make yourself feel better - hey asshole, feel free to use mine! Fucking owned.
And you're getting laid by a girl I couldn't keep, huh? Oh no! You're "banging" her! What a disrespectful term, dipshit. Guess what? I banged her first. Maybe you did it more times, and better, but I did it FIRST. No one gives a shit who else was in the race, it's all about the WINNER. Oh no! You're banging my ex! And here I thought I was going to marry her!
Exes' boyfriends are really quite a special breed. Enjoy going back to school boys! I'll fly right past your short school bus in my "ugly ass piece of shit" car. Better luck next time.
P.S. Tom, what I was going to say is OBVIOUSLY I am still your number one, as I am keeping it real and you're going all warm and fuzzy playing Taxi Cab on a Saturday night. WTF? V2 would be so disappointed, but you can count on me. I'll keep it on the DL...as for that $30 CAR of yours...you must have saved a lot of nickels to buy that one!
Stupid bitches, beware...I hate you and your sexually-impaired boyfriends. But that's just me...V2 style.
I'm definitely feeling the love now. It really is a rough life when you have this many fans trying to get in your pants every chance they get. What she means by me playing taxi is that I picked up just as many hot skanks as the cabbies downtown at 3 AM. Obviously. I love when girls bitch each other out. It's usually about me, because I have "more charisma and stature" than most.
Oh, and as for this thing about my car being $30...well yeah, for one fucking lug nut maybe. Nickels? I use those to feed ducks so they no longer fly south for the winter but fly south onto a plate for dinner. I hate animals, but I do eat them.
Dear Stephanie,
Now this is interesting. Before I say what I need to say, I'll make a few key points. Observe, retard:
* My car is amazing. Even you think so. That's awesome.
* My crash pics - I didn't crash the car. I bought it like that. Why would I crash my car? Duh.
* Tommy shirts are cool. I'd say only about 3% of the population are cool enough to wear them, including me. They were cool in 1994, they are still cool. Just because you probably dress like a cheap prostitute doesn't mean you know shit about fashion. Chillmax.
* The designer is racist? Did you know Tommy Hilfiger sold his company to a BLACK man? Hail Hitler, I guess.
* Tommy is cheap? There are only 2 common brands that are more expensive than Tommy. Doesn't make it cheap.
* I don't have a job. I have a career. I don't work at Burger King, but I'm sure you're a regular. Shows in your fine physique.
* People don't call me Tommy. That's my marketing name. By that logic, your name is "Hey you skank."
* I was molested as a child? That's none of your business. I asked you to stop but you couldn't help yourself.
* My website is in depth, thanks.
* I don't need to pick up curious underage girls when I have mature, responsible girls such as yourself around.
Have you ever seen anyone make so much effort to bash someone? You make fun of me for having too much time, and yet your hatemail is longer than 85% of my articles? Good one, champ. Why do you sound so bitter and cynical? Is it because you're jealous that I can write something on a regular basis and have intelligent people enjoy it while you call up every guy you've ever wanted and have him laugh at you? It's OK Stephanie, one day even Uncle Jimmy will want you. Keep plugging away. Hell, since apparently you say I'm an alcoholic, even I'd fuck you under the right circumstances! Be warned however, those circumstances include having the lights down awfully low and wrapping a Tommy shirt around your head to help with the visuals. I'd use a paper bag, but you say those shirts are so cheap...
This has been a public service.
Jesus. Very impressive.
...
A pair of holes eh? I have *no* idea what you're talking about, although that sounds kinda hot. I'm not surprised at this new wave of bitching, though. Typical playerhatette starts hating on Tommy v2 just because he's all top shit now with his own dot com. The way I see it, you're just worried that I'm a fucking celebrity now and that things will change between us - I assure you, they won't. I'll still smack you and put you in your place, still remind you how fucking awesome I am and get obscenely mad when you mistakenly refer to my CD player as a "Pioneer." And before you get all menstrual on me again, let me assure you that that AmEx Platinum buys you all those expensive and exuberant things that you keep getting from me. So in closing, continue to know your role and keep being my "#1".
Oh how clever. Although I enjoy seeing your photos from prom, there's no need to send them to me. Thanks.
Oh great, just what I wanted - more fucking whining pansies writing in and complaining about the site. You want "quality articles"? Take your local newspaper, check out the announcements section - the article about your girlfriend having a baby - with ME. You fucker. Owned.
It's hard to tell if someone is being sarcastic or not - except in this case. The good parts are obviously gospel truth, and the part about me being "only OKAY" looking is clearly sarcasm. When a girl tells me shit like this (and I fucking pray that this was in fact written by a girl...although this is obviously the case, and she's hot too, for the sake of reference) it's like the world finally makes sense. See, concerned parents, your kids ARE learning the right stuff in school after all.
* Just in case you're not following, let's just take this step by step:
- "...you're OKAY looking" - Wrong. I am gorgeous. Only way you can prove me wrong is by staying with your much-better-looking boyfriend. Yeah, that's what I thought.
- "...you drive a DECENT car" Wrong again. It may be decent, for, say, a billionaire. To you, it's practically the second coming.
- "...your make a FAIR amount of money" Wrong. I make thousands! of nickels
And as for the rumours...rumours? What fucking rumours? Mwahahaha...
Jesus! I haven't heard this kind of abuse since Sunday school. Typical playerhatette! Self esteem problem? Isn't that showcased by putting other people down by sending them hate mail? Oh shit, I made a typo! Oh no! I'm not perfect after all. My attempts are sad perhaps, yes, but at least once in a while I get a smile out of someone. What's so wrong about bragging and having very biased viewpoints? Ever listened to the radio or watched TV lately? This is no different. I like money, sex AND my poor self...imagine that. I'm like every other guy, but I'm open about it. I don't bullshit anyone like most of you fuckers out there. You fuckers seriously have to lighten up. Don't like my method of advertising? It worked on you, didn't it? Owned! It's a statistic - curiosity is the best marketing tool ever. Now if only I made money off this shit...
Did you see my grade 8 report card? Did you see my math mark? Exactly. Don't hate on me because I have a learning disability. Who needs math skills when you're this fucking great? Go play with your change or something - I'll stick to my American Express Platinum, thanks.
Fuck! In an ideal world, this is what would've happened. She was damn cute, though. In retrospect, I do regret getting her fired - before I banged her, of course. While wearing my sandals no less. Ha. I think I'm going to jail.
Ouch. Two things. 1) She did have taste. She loved them, just was too ghetto to afford them. She was jealous that I would pay so much money for such crap. 2) 1500 nickels? Did you count what that amounts to? Ha. Dumbass. Your math teacher (and English teacher for teaching you how to spell "you're") just got owned. Booyah.
Goddamn you people are getting mean. Complaining about my ego? Clearly jealous of my slightly-above-average-size package and my wheels. Clearly. And how do you figure I have an ego? Is it because I write a website devoted entirely to me and everything I do? Is it because the only reason I exist is so that people talk about me? How superficial you are! By the way, here's a pic of my new plates. They kick fucking ass and are better than your plates. If you don't have any, then they're better that those as well.
I feel that I need to explain myself before this situation gets out of hand. First of all, the only reason I was at Wal-Mart because I wanted to shoplift everything in the store. The only thing I bought were tools to help me shoplift...I was going to return them for a refund later on, of course. Secondly, that change I had I stole from an old lady that I mugged earlier. Last of all, that charity dog statue, I thought it was a real dog. I was either trying to to feed it change so it would die, or drive the coins right into its brain, also causing it do die, perhaps again. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
PS: As for the wheel gap, it's been taken care of - much like the gap between your sister's legs. Fucker.
Well you spelt your name wrong - it should read "retard." And yes, my website is actually exempt from all rules. As for poor spelling, there's a few things you need to understand. First of all, I am an immigrant. Second of all, all my articles are written at night. Since I have a black keyboard and I don't know how to type, I keep making mistakes. And third of all, fcuk you.
Well it's good to know that I'm still loved. A lot of people been saying that my stuff is too offensive and they are starting to get upset. That means only one thing...they're fucking wrong. Needless to say, at this point, I am almost prophetic. (look it up, genius) It seems that every thing I say touches someone in some way, and obviously I'm bound to piss a few people off. And now I owe you new articles? Well shit, why didn't I think of that? Fuck, new articles for everyone! I write all this stuff for ME, you're all just lucky enough to read it. Don't ever forget that. But not to worry, I always please my female fans, with new articles or otherwise. And you take Paypal? That's just awesome.
Instead of a long-winded response, I guess I'll just sum it up by saying this...fuck you.
This is what happens when you don't breastfeed your child. I'm not even going to mention the fucking spelling in this one. It sounds like someone's a little jealous that I am literate. In a very bold statement, I think you are fucking special. So how'd you enjoy that 50 Cent concert? Oh, wait, they didn't let you in. It costs money to get in you know. Oh, but I know how you kids like your trendy shit. Dissing my ride? How's your mom's minivan? The only thing about you that's 2 Fast 2 Furious is the way you bang your little brother. Peace out? The only piece I get is out of your sister.
