Isn't it illegal for you to be that fucking annoying?

 

 

Public Service Announcement

I'd like to officially announce something to my adoring public:

I am fucking awesome.

All jokes aside, I really can't stress enough just how great I really am. I'm so fucking egotistical great that I practically get a hard-on when someone says my name. I'm practically a fucking celebrity around these parts, and I'm certainly not complaining. But guess what? Some of you fuckers still kill my buzz. Buzz Killers. BKing me is the worst thing you can do. Did you want me to be more specific? Not a problem. I made a list for you. I had a lot of positive feedback on my pet peeves article, so why not invoke some cheap sell-out sequel? Exactly.

If any of these situations make you cringe, then...good. Don't do this shit. Don't do this shit to me. I find these things more annoying than the crabs I got from your girlfriend.

 

More pet peeves and fucking annoying things

• At night I was speeding down a road with a girl driving behind me at the same illegal speed. I then approached some brutal train tracks and slowed down....hard. She was so surprised that she almost crashed right into me and swerved into incoming traffic. Sorry that my car isn't a piece of shit like yours and requires some care when crossing the grand canyon of the apocalypse. Hey bitch, do you know what these are? They're BRAKE LIGHTS, I'm BRAKING. This is one set of red lights you don't want to run, believe that. Retard.
   
• I recently saw the movie Super-Size Me. I thought the movie was excellent and make some great points, none the least of which was that McDonald's is fucking delicious. Now I crave it every day. I never ate that shit, I saw a movie against it, now I want that shit all day every day. Huge fucking marketing ploy? Maybe, I'll let you know in a few minutes, I'm off to get a Big Mac combo.
   
• I was at Wal-Mart doing my usual product research. I went to the sunscreen section to check out what ridiculous bullshit they invented now. What the FUCK is going on?! SPF 60?! You people are should be neutered. When I came to Canada, there were only two types of lotions: SPF2 and SPF4. Now we have SPF60. Let's do the math, shall we?

General burning time: let's say approximately 25 minutes

SPF60 > 25 minutes x 60 =1500 minutes
1500 minutes = 25 hours.

TWENTY FIVE FUCKING HOURS. Are you fuckers really that stupid? You do know that there aren't that many hours in a day, especially not SUNNY BEACH HOURS? Seriously, you people need to have your genitals removed for your own protection.

You want to hear the kicker? On the label, in the instructions: "Please re-apply every 90 minutes."

I personally use SPF4. It prevents any burning and makes you tan like crazy. Isn't that what you want? Well in that case, stop buying that other bullshit. See the name of the product - Coppertone? Not to be confused with Pastywhiteparanoidfucker.
 

It's only a matter of time before they start adding exponents to the SPF number...

 

• I recently had a chance to see random girls dancing. You know what? Much to my surprise, some girls can't fucking dance. Shaking your ass and flailing your arms wildly isn't a fucking dance. Your impression of a seizure is cute but that's enough for now, thanks. Seriously, find some rhythm or please get your tubes tied.
   

• Just the other day, I was cleaning out my car. In my shit-ass neighborhood this is a fucking epic event, akin to Welfare Cheque Day. Every white-trash kid and their abusive father come out of the woodwork just to see what's inside my car. You people need stronger medication. Listen to some of these comments:

"I always see you working on that car..."
"Duh. That's why it works properly and looks kickass. I see everyone's working on your daughter, too."

"You got a system in that car?"
"Would you like model numbers so you can steal it tonight?" Get a fucking clue.

"How much money have you put into that thing?"
"Not as much as I've put down your wife's panties."

"It's much nicer than your old car..."
Umm...your powers of observation would making Sherlock fucking Holmes jealous. Well, that and you're also retarded.

A group of three young thugs walk by: "Hey man, you got a spare smoke on ya?"
Let's see. I'm in perfect shape, perfectly tanned, wonderfully dressed, and I drive this. Do you think I smoke? I'm going to smoke you fuckers with a pipe, most likely.

Same guys: "You should put some chrome rims on that, eh. That would look SICK."
You know what looks sick? Your girlfriend's report from the Walk-In Clinic.

 

• Today I had a little help from a girl washing my car. I'm sorry, I forgot the main function of the water hose is to KEEP FUCKING SPRAYING WATER ON ME. Fucking infuriating. Luckily she was cute - otherwise I'd've turned the hose on her...in January. Owned. Luckily I banged her so she's allowed a few instances of being silly. Just a few.
   
• Don't bring marshmallows to campfires...EVER. You put them on a stick and BURN them. You're eating fucking charcoal. And you LIKE it! You're the same fuckers who complain that there are grill marks on their steak. All of you....get bent.
   
• You bought a new CD lately? Most of them now have that fancy copy protection on them, with the label that reads: "Warning, may not play on all CD players and devices." Thanks, guys. I just bought this CD, 'supporting the artist and industry' and it doesn't fucking work until I rip it and burn a copy. Now that's some great way to stop piracy. I see that the terrorists have successfully released the airborne retardation virus after all.
   
• You guys ever heard of a singer named Norah Jones? I haven't. She sells fucking ten million albums, wins all these Grammy awards and I haven't heard a single fucking song. If you gave me a hundred bucks to name one of her songs, you'd keep your fucking money. Who the fuck does she think she is, anyway?
   
• Guys with long hair. Seriously you fucking hippies, get a haircut. It's only $11.24 at Wal-Mart. Long hair = short dick. I know a guy that is bald. He fucked a lot of girls.
   
• See all those tabloid papers talking about Mary-Kate Olsen (of the Olsen twins) being addicted to cocaine? Because apparently that's what causes someone who is 18 to be skinny. Of course! Skinny = anorexic. Skinny = cocaine. No, it just means that she's skinny. Get a grip. She's not anorexic, she just has Chlamydia.

 

I would write more, but just thinking about more of these things makes me fucking mad. You people go the the beach and wear jeans. You people go the beach and wear socks. The next time I go the the beach I'm wearing...

...a gun. Grr. The only thing more annoying is a website article prematurely ended because the author couldn't remember half of the shit he thought up because of the inherent brain damaged by said Big Mac combo. Fuck.