Stress - it's not just for the hard-working anymore!

 

 

Welcome to Tommy v2 Dot Com Edition!
 

Look dude, Tommy v2's a sell-out! He now has a dot com! Before any of you get too excited, let me assure you IT'S NOT SELLING OUT IF IT COSTS *ME* MONEY. Dumbasses. Now I'm no longer confined to being a fucking novelty site. No more restrictions on content. I can now litter my site with bestiality porn and phrases that would make a sailor cringe. And for the record (and I don't mean to BK you), bestiality porn does not refer to the videos you made with your girlfriend last weekend. Owned.

After recovering from Sunday's traumatic events I got inspired. Inspiration led to hard work, and that led to stress. What kind of stress? Worthy of the great fucking Stresszilla. Here's a picture to give you a better idea.
 

No caption necessary

They say a picture is worth a thousand words so technically my word count just doubled. (Don't cut and paste word count, loser)

You wanna know what else is stressful? You know how kids play that retarded punch buggy game? You know, the retarded game where if you see a Volkswagen Beetle, you smoke someone in the arm? Yeah, that retarded game. I was recently doing that with a girl since girls want to be equal (and therefore abused). It seemed like a dull game, until we upped the ante: instead of Beetles, we switched to Ford Focus and Pontiac Sunfire. Never has there been a more rewarding game invented by man. That bitch was practically a giant red cylindrical bag with "Everlast" written on it. Every time I hit her hard enough, her tits would jiggle. That's awesome! I owned her. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I got so into the game that eventually I was just hitting her because she blinked. Then, just as she started recovering, I drove with her past a Ford and Pontiac dealership and took care of business. That's what you get for not talking about me enough. So what was my point? Something about stress I think. Basically I just wanted to brag how I can hit people and not get in shit because it's in the context of "a game." Sucker. I'm going to make a game called Rophynol Slipper and Break Your Fucking Window.

So back to this stress thing. Okay, let's say you've got a day off work and you're just chillaxing around the house. All of a sudden a doctor calls and tells you to come in for a procedure. Normally this concerns you very little, except:

"Can you come in for a procedure Mr. Smith?"
"No problem. What's the procedure?"
"It's just a routine Bone Mineral Densitometry."
"..."

I'm not sure what that is, and fuck knows I never want to find out. Anything that involves bones gives me stress. Bones are internal, therefore not easily accessed. Therefore, fuck off and don't touch my bones.

Stress wouldn't be anything without a well placed BK once in a while. Imagine this next scenario. You either fall into one of two categories: This HAS happened to you, or you never WANT this to happen to you. Observe:

Christmas Day. You're at the tender age of 11. As you wake up, you make a mad dash for the presents in the living room. You also own a dog or cat that loves playing with the Christmas tree ornaments. As you run down the stairs skipping every other step, you reach the floor level. Your cold, bare foot stomps right onto:

 

This fucking thing.

The ultimate Christmas morning BK. I'm willing to mail you fuckers one of these things just so you can appreciate the feeling of premature enlightenment. Seen Fight Club? Chemical burn has nothing on Christmas Lights Bulb Cover Star of Fucking Misery.

At lunch today I saw on the news that a famous women's tennis star left the tournament due to medical reasons. More specifically, a viral infection. What in the blue fuck does that mean? That's why I never go to a doctor - what you don't know won't hurt you. That's doesn't mean I have various diseases, it just means I don't know OR care. It's a great system. My ex used it and look where it got her!

You know what else is stressful? When advertisers try to get all tricky on you. Seen that new commercial where the guy's trying to tell his dad not to eat his cereal because it's crap? (He likes it, he's being reverse psychological or some shit) Then the ad ends with a shot of the product and the tagline "You won't like it." Thanks guys, you've mad my cereal buying decision easier. I was about to buy it the other day, but...I won't like it. I wish girls were as direct as that. "I won't put out." Thanks babe, you just saved me the ten dollars and forty-seven cents on condoms.

My point in all of this? Avoid stress. Do nothing all day and get fat. Congrats! So far, so good...