You're not as smart as you think you are

 

 

What in the fuck is the world coming to?

Oh wait, I can tell you. Everywhere you go and everything you do apparently is designed to kill you slowly. Don't believe me? 1) then you're stupid 2) let me prove it to you...  Here is a perfectly fine example of the system fucking you over.

This morning when I got out of the shower I checked out myself in the mirror. Naturally, I was very impressed (as you are, no doubt, ladies). Upon inspecting, I decided that I was big and hard in all the right places, and perfectly tanned in all the other places. But then I thought to myself, "You know what, Tommy, I'm fucking hungry. I'm gonna hit some Tim Horton's action. Perhaps a bagel or muffin will help me maintain my incredible shape?"

DEAD WRONG, motherfucker.

Check out these fucking numbers:

A popular bagel choice: grand total 441 Calories, 62 grams of carbohydrates. Holy fuck me!

You remember that hot skinny girl who always brought a muffin into class? Remember how you thought she was anorexic because all she ever ate was those fucking muffins? Wrong again, motherfucker. I assure you, that slut was staying in shape by hanging with ME. Check this shit out:


Grand total: 425 Cal, 65g carbs. That's fucking INSANE.

But what about real shit food? McDonald's? Hard to believe but goddamn, it's almost better for you. That cheeseburger is healthier in pretty much every way than the bagel at Timmy's and much, much more satisfying. My heart is broken. As is my diet. Fuck.

Not as brutal as expected. But knowing you fuckers, you had Timmy's after Micky's. Dumbasses.

 

That's wild. A place as innocent and respected as Timmy's is killing us all in a delicious way. That's OK though, as long as they have those hotties working there I'll still be there like a sucker. Luckily those same Timmy's girls can provide the necessary physical exercise to counteract their poisonous food. It's a beautiful thing and it's Canadian to boot. Oh Canada, indeed.

But enough about me belittling women. For now.

Recently while mailing some things to one of my dear fans (and no, it's not that picture of me banging your sister to that special person who wrote me that fucking hate mail last week) at Business Depot I came across a pamphlet from Canada Post. It seemed useful and serious enough, so I took a look.

A nice, professionally produced pamphlet. Anything useful inside? Let's find out...

Inside, it lists several categories of dangerous goods - you know, the stuff you'd expect (fireworks, ammo) and some stuff you wouldn't expect (thermometers, aftershave lotion). And then, this category appears and I nearly choked:

You hear that fuckers? Don't mail me AIDS!

Apparently you shouldn't mail those things. Did anyone? Did anything even let it cross their mind once? Don't piss me off, or you'll get Hepatitis in 2-5 business days. Fuckers.

So until next time, don't eat anything and stay the fuck away from mailboxes. Tommy v2 told you so.