Those retro-fad and old-school loving kids should get neutered

 

 

Key kids! Guess what's so fucking cool these days? Being retro. Being old school. Being fucking irritating. Old clothes, styles, hair, videogames, movies, cartoons, music, wrestlers, cars...shit, the list goes on and on. Let go of your glory days, you goddamn burnouts.

I can't express strongly enough just how much I hate people thinking that retro is in. It's not, it's just fucking old. It's a part of history - history that you were part of, so what the hell is so special about it? Let me explain. If you lived through it in a completely casual way, it can't be all that special. Especially since everyone was doing it. I never once sat on the toilet and said "Oh man, remember when Cottonelle used to come in different packaging?" or "Oh man. Remember when they used to have just powdered Tide and not Gain-scented High Efficiency Deep Clean Ultra Tide tablets? That's so old school!" Don't wax nostalgic just because your brain came up with enough power to remember something old and trivial from the past. Use that newfound power to do something productive, like run into traffic or join the army.

Let's just say that I was working at a video game store. Let's say that it was the best one around, and that store had like a million fucking games ranging back to games so old that the Egyptians themselves were playing these. You're some washed-up college dumbass, and you are checking out the selection. You might say things like this:

• "Holy shit! Mario Bothers 3! That game is money! I used to play that every day when I was a kid!!!"
   
• "My god! Dude, check this shit out! That's fucking Contra. We used to stay up and play that shit for hours when we were kids..."
   
• "Is that fucking Sonic the Hedgehog?! Remember when we used to use that Mike kid just so we could go to his house and play that shit?"

Seriously, all of you, get a fucking CLUE. If those games were so fucking great, what in the blue hell did you do with them? Your whole childhood and you sold that shit for what? A six-pack of Coors Light? You threw them out? Gave them away? What the hell were you thinking? You didn't. You're retarded. You're trying to re-live glory days...because a mere 13 years ago you were playing this shit and now they're "collector's items." Right. I personally have anything decent from when I was a kid. Those hard-to-find games that you masturbate about? Yeah, I own all of those. I'm not lucky, I'm not psychic, I'm just not dumb like you fuckers and don't pay $80 per game as a kid and then sell them for quarters a few years later. Feel stupid now? You should. Tool. And now it's also cool to hate on new games. Example:

• "I hate those new games. It's all graphics, no gameplay."
• "The modern games are too complicated. Too many buttons and shit."
• "They don't make them like they used to."

Well no shit, Sherlock. The games have advanced, your feeble brain has not. Those people who made those games years ago still make games and I assure you, they think their new stuff is pretty great. Play something like Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner and then go play your old-school Contra game. Seriously, fuck off. You're either just plain stupid or just jealous because you spent your money on crack instead of decent games. Crack is retro though, so it's cool. Who needs that dextromethorphan anyway?

Clothes about old games?  So it does get worse

Old School shoes. This irritates the shit out of me. I see all these kids buying these shoes styled after shoes from the past. Hey guess what? You're 14. The new shoes look just like the shoes 14 years ago. The old style shoes? Your DAD perhaps wore those. You aren't relating to history. You're not retro, it's not symbolic - those are just fucking ugly shoes. Shoes aren't like videogames even - old ones always have some merit - shoes do not. New shoes are superior in every way. Old clothes are fucking awful. Want to buy NEW clothes at NEW prices based on shit that was born at a thrift store? I didn't think so. So stop buying that crap. You were born in 1991. Your idea of old school is a car without neon lights. Blah. May you all contract cancer.

 

My brother had a pair of these. The difference was, we were poor and you are willing to pay for embarrassment

Retro cars. Jesus. That's just fucking expensive! Don't buy the same car you had as a kid again. You could've just kept that car and spend the rest of the money on much-needed therapy. Let me explain in pictures so even the slowest of you can understand that retro cars are a fucking sham.

Price $4500
Old beetle. It's fine, they didn't have any taste back in those days anyway.

Price $4800
1990 Toyota Celica. Still looks pretty kickass.

2004 New Beetle. Oops! 1990 just called, they're laughing at you. You paid $29,734 for this? Is this 2004 or has hell really frozen over?

 

Don't even get me started on retro music. I won't. Music is timeless - thank God. Luckily, you damn trendy kids are not. Hurrah to that.