All you Nazi bible-thumping virgins, listen up!

 

You ever get the feeling that you're right and everyone is wrong? Me too. On a daily fucking basis.

Case in point:

I know of certain individuals that say and do things purposely to irritate life blood right out of me.

Case in point:

Let's go back many, many years. Unlike some of you more fortunate bastards, some of us guys had girl problems. We always fell in love with the popular pretty girls, crushed on the cute nerdy ones, fantasized about the tomboys - but - did some of us actually succeed in any of that shit? Fuck no. Constant rejection. "Eww you're gross!" "Go away pizza face!" "Nice glasses, window face!" "Can you, like, die or something?"

Ahh the pain. So what's a boy to do to reclaim his manhood and rekindle a single spark of self-esteem? Grow up and bang every last one of you sluts! HA!

But...what of the few people who don't have the balls to be a man and make things right? Oh I know! Turn into a bible-thumping nazi!

Case in point. A bumbling friend says:

"Tommy, you're SO bad! All you care about is banging girls. When you love a girl, there's so much more. It's better to wait until marriage."

Congrats, sleuth! You've just discovered the Caramilk secret. There's more to girls than sex? Seriously? Oh. Yeah, there is, IF YOU LIKE THE GIRL. You don't think I fall in love with girls and want to spend ridiculous amounts of time with them and share my life with them? No? Dumbass. When I love a girl I do my best to make her happy. The ones I don't care about? Time to up that bang count! Fuck, I'll do it just to decrease your chances of getting laid.

"Sex is for marriage. You should wait until then so it's special," my friend might say.

You know what's special? How you're 22 and can't get a girl in bed. That is fucking special. Good luck convincing your boss to give you a raise when you can't convince a girl to look at you funny. Let me rub my temples for a while and get this straight. You want to find a girl in her twenties, beautiful, intelligent, fun, funny, loyal AND she's a virgin? That girl? Yeah, I fucked her YESTERDAY. I fucked her THREE YEARS AGO. That was me, not you. That was me having the time of my life while you were reading your magic book and trying to find a use for your still-in-its-shrink-wrap dick.

You think you holding onto 2000-year-old values and traditions makes you fucking high and mighty? Does it make you a better person? Let me tell you fuckers something. By making your little speech about abstinence, you're doing two things: 1) you're embarrassing yourself  2) you're saying that the other 99.5% of us are pure fucking scum and we're all going to hell. Please allow me to remove your head from your ass and tell you the following facts. Please don't break down in tears just because you know I'm right...
 

• Being intimate with someone doesn't make you a bad person. It means you're using your body along with that mind you love so much
   
• Some girls LIKE sex! Imagine that! They have SEX ORGANS, along with SEX HORMONES. You know what that means? They can make decisions. Stop belittling women by making them sound like objects that you have to wait around for. Sometimes they want you. Well, maybe not you, but certainly me
   
• If you feel for somebody, all events are timeless. You CAN marry someone after two weeks and make it work for 70 years. You CAN date for 8 years, get married and divorced within months. Waiting around for things only ups the risk factor by not giving you the complete point of view necessary to make informed decisions
   
• Sex and making love are different, as is fucking someone and using them. You wouldn't know about any of that from experience, so don't fucking preach about it. Speak from experience, not from ignorance
   
• Stop living in the past. You're out trying to convince the whole world how you're pure and innocent and your friends are shit while your little sister's out smoking dope and fucking college guys
  
   

You fuckers seriously don't give girls enough credit. You playerhate me for fucking Girl A or Girl B, but do you know what you're doing? You're insulting those girls. You're saying that they make poor choices, they they were too stupid to know better, that they're easy...wrong as usual. You make it sound like I go running around slipping rophynol in every girl's drink. Fuck that. Imagine that maybe some of these girls LIKE me. And when they like you, they might want to get intimate with you on their own accord. Foreign concept to you? That's because girls don't like self-absorbed nazi fuckwits like yourself. They want someone to make them feel wanted, needed and special - not rejected, objectified and glorified like you fuckers do to them.

There's nothing quite as satisfying as dating for years, waiting for marriage and then finding out that you two have zero sexual chemistry together. Almost as exciting as that same wife cheating on you with a guy like me because she was always curious about how it would be like with another guy. Take that, you fucking nazi bible-thumping virgins. You keep praying to God for a miracle while Tommy v2 makes the ladies say "Oh God!"  I hope for your sake that you guys find the few remaining girls that agree with you before Tommy upgrades them all to Version 2. Owned.