Bar Advice Volume 3

 

 

Let it be known that sometimes, just sometimes, going to the bars is a terrible and tragic experience. This may or may not be fucking exactly the case that happened to me recently. Sometimes people get the wrong idea or are just so full of shit that perspectives get skewed and misunderstandings happen. Let me do all of your a little favor and let you know what all of you are doing wrong...

 

For the ladies:

• When Tommy v2 shows up, just leave whatever guy you're with and come to him. Get it over with now while your boyfriend is still staring at your much hotter friend
• If a guy you like pulls your friend aside for half an hour, buys her seven drinks and feels her up, he's really talking about you and how we wants to get to know you
• When you've had too much to drink, it's your duty to not watch your purse so those less fortunate can roll you
• When you're with a guy having a great time and his ex shows up and he goes to her and quickly takes her to a hotel...nope, sorry, you're fucked on that one
• Impress other girls by buying drinks that they wouldn't drink because they are too girly; ie: tap water, beer, pop, anything without a little umbrella
• When on the dance floor, always dance as if you're a diva like Christina Aguilera. Too bad you're not hot like she is, though
• Your best friend is telling all the hot guys not to go for you because you have genital warts. Just tell them it's from her brother
• Your best friend is also stealing from your purse. Joke's on her, you got the money from her dad fair and square
• Always remember the mathematic rule when flirting: Add the alcohol, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and don't multiply
• If at first you don't hit it off with the guy you're interested in...then it means you're too ugly. Sorry.

For the boys:

• The hottest girl there, she wants you. Obviously
• You never know when you might get some action. That means you have to be nice and clean, that includes not having any magazine ink rubbings all over your porn banana
• Your buddy is trying to mack the girl you're interested in. Joke's on him, she's pregnant
• If you ever run into your ex and she's single, it means you're in. Just don't forget to pull out
• Don't ever playerhate on a guy who's smoother than you, or his friends will greet your car outside with a cinder block
• When on the dance floor, pretend you're Usher. Take away the talent, money, skin color, connections, a future, hope and any chance of a girl banging you, and BAM, that's you
• When it the bathroom, you've no doubt run into some drunk guy you don't know who's just rambling on about something.  At that point, you should pull your pants up
• The really hot girls aren't looking at you because they're intimidated by your handsome good looks. Keep telling yourself that
• That one girl who pulled you out to dance - let her buy you a drink. She earned ten bucks from that bet as it is
• When Outkast comes on, go crazy. Not that you have much of a choice, really, unless you're deaf

 

Another weekend, another bar experience. Make the next attempt the best ever! Let me know how it goes. But don't ever, ever playerhate. I wouldn't approve...