Phrases that can easily cause an aneurysm

 

 

You ever had a decent day only to have it ruined by someone speak? I know the feeling. There are just simply phrases and expressions in the English language that can drive a person insane. Some things are so stupid, so rudimentary, so...fucking annoying. Let me share with you just a few of these jewels.

 

• "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"

Are you fucking kidding me? The only people who don't want to be millionaires are billionaires. Yeah, fuck why not eh? We all work shitty jobs for shitty pay, so of course we don't want to be millionaires. What a fucked up world we live in. Forget the millions, at this point I'll take rolls of quarters.

• "Maybe..."

This is bullshit. This is the word people use when they don't have the balls to say yes or no. When a woman says maybe, she means no, otherwise she'd've said yes. When a guy says maybe, he means "of course." It's one of those fucked up terms that society has implanted into our feeble brains. "Hey Cindy, are you pregnant?" "...maybe!" Seriously, fuck off. Don't use this word. Ever.

• "Whatever."

This is what girls age 13-19 say when they want to fucking kill you. Or be killed. Ever have a girl say this to you while you were making a valid point? Or how about when you asked permission for something? I thought so. Next time you hear this, choose murder or suicide. Either way, the pain will end.

• "We'll talk about it later..."

Why later? It's really important right? Thanks for ruining my day - now I'm going to spend the next 7 hours going insane thinking about what we're going to discuss. Phrases like this should be banned by the devil himself.

• "We need to talk."

We need to talk? I disagree. I need to get my shit packed and get the hell out of Dodge. Anytime you hear this phrase you have permission to skip town until that person gets married to someone else.

• "I've been busy lately..."

So busy, in fact, that you had no time to be a decent human being. This line is used when they feel guilty for being a prick or prickette. This line can be used for any reason you can imagine. "Sorry about not spending time with you and fucking someone else...I've been really busy," or the ever-classic "Sorry I couldn't call you back. I've been busy lately, so busy in fact, that when I spent all day on the phone with everyone but you, I didn't have time to hit the send button when I saw that you called 13 times."

• "You've got nothing to lose!"

Except maybe an arm or leg. Or time. Or money. I'm sorry to break it to you, I have so much shit to lose. I really can't think of any situation where I can just make an attempt and nothing bad can come of it. Who makes this shit up?

• "I think we should see other people..."

I agree. You will soon be seeing a person I "lent money to" to make your day a little less pleasant. People who use this line are terrible, terrible people and are directly related to Hitler himself.

• "When I was your age..."

Bullshit. You were never my age - that's impossible. You were always older. So fuck off and stop trying to relive your miserable glory days.

• "Take 'er easy. If she's easy, take 'er twice."

I'm kidding. I love this expression.

So there you go. Phrases and expressions guaranteed to ruin your day. There are thousands more of course, but you can only hear so many in one miserable lifetime. But I guess any of these phrases are better than "Hey...let's go stab that guy."